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Don't know what to do..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pogue, Aug 29, 2009.

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  1. Pogue

    Pogue Member

    She doesn't know everything I've done. It will destroy her to know. But, I cannot tell her. I cannot put that kind of emotional pain on another person, so I try to bear it all. It is my fault. She should not suffer because I am stupid and was lonely. I love her. I don't want to lose her.

    I'm sorry. That's all I am. Sorry I'm not a better person. Sorry I let it happen. Sorry I didn't stop until it was too late. Sorry that I've let years of systematic abuse from internet whackjobs reduce my self-worth into a hollow shell. Sorry these people have turned my name into a personal joke so I am afraid to use it and something I once took pride in is now something I wish I could slip off as easily as I do a dirty shirt. Sorry that they drag my family into it, that I was lonely enough to talk to these snakes in the first place, and that I went back after they almost killed me once. Sorry that I lash out at people who cannot, must not ever know the full extent of what has happened to me. And sorry, most of all, to the self still inside who screams desperately for any hope, any hope at all. From years past I can hear it, across memories that have long since gathered dust. It sounds like the world did before I helped lay my dreams to rest.

    I have thought of suicide every night for a year. It comforts me. It makes me imagine that I would redeem myself by doing it. That all the stupid things I've done will be swept aside, made right. I just.. I just want to be a good person again.
  2. Polar

    Polar Account Closed

    Hi Pogue,

    Welcome to the forum and thank you for having the courage to post.

    First of all, anybody who is able to write like you do is not stupid. The message you wrote was very emotive and contrite. It demonstrated to me sincere humanity. This is rare these days.

    I know what it's like to have your self worth demoralised to the point where you feel there is no point. There is a meaning though for your life. I don't know what you've done but everything which has happened is in the past. Maybe look at it like you have a new breath on life.

    You are very sorry in your words and that also indicates compassion. Suicide is not a redemption at all, as all those who love you in your life with be devastated. I think if you can depict such compassion which you have and you are sorry for certain things, you must have people in your life who love you and see you as a valued human being. Otherwise, you probably wouldn't have written what you did.

    It's not easy and I understand that but sometimes as I've learned we are sorry for things that are not necessarily our fault. Maybe you haven't done anything wrong and you are only sorry because you are feeling the after affects of what has happened.

    You talk about snakes and people on the Internet, perhaps hurting you. Maybe without knowing the full extent, you have nothing to sorry about. On the other hand, if you do, you are very remorseful anyway so I can't see how you are a bad person on either counts.

    Welcome to the forum again and please know that if you ever need to talk there will be so many people here to listen to you. You are a good person and things will get better.

    Take care.

    Kind regards,

  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey pogue you are only human. And all humans make mistakes. It's whether we learn from them or not that counts. And I say from your post that you have. So please stop being so hard on yourself. I can understand how you dont want to hurt someone else that you love. But trying to keep your mistakes to yourself will only make things worse. You can not be who you truly are if you try to keep secrets and pains deeply buried inside. They will surface again and usually when you least want them to.
    You have so much pain. You need to talk to someone about it. Can you get a therapist or counsellor? Or even a support group that relates to what you are suffering through? Sometimes being in a room of other people but still strangers can help to open up. Being in a room with others that are going through the same pain as you. And you will find resources that will further help you to deal with your pain. And one day you may find the way to explain these things to the person you love. Because the person that loves you is entitled to love all of you, both the good and bad. You can't build a lasting relationship on half truths and hidden pains.
    And please keep posting here. The members are wonderful people that will help anyway they can. Above all else you have a safe place to open up. Let the pain out. It could very well be your first step to ending a lot of agony for yourself. PM anytime you like hun.
  4. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    You are a good person and it shows in your post. Please forgive yourself and allow your heart to heal.

    I am glad you joined here and hope that we can help you so please keep posting as we care.

    Hugs Bambi
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    What ever you done or think you done to hurt others suicide will only add to their pain. Everyone faulters makes mistakes but it is in trying to undue the harm we redeem ourselves. Become a better person today change do what is right now No one can change the past but we can change the future we can make things better. Please continue to hold on to what hope you have left continue to fight because you certainly deserve to have a second chance. Dont be so hard on yourself because everyone here has regrets everyone we can only move forward please keep posting for support okay
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Pogue,

    welcome to the forum.
    What is it that you have done? :unsure: Maybe it would help to talk about the issue itself?
    Like everyone else has said , we all make mistakes. Please forgive yourself!
  7. Pogue

    Pogue Member

    Just want to thank everyone for their kind words... I'm still here. I want a cigarette. I want to forget.

    To answer some questions... yes, it would probably help to get it off my chest entirely, but the wound is still too raw to explore fully. I'm also terribly afraid of being judged.

    No, I have no access to a therapist. No money, and I wouldn't even know where to start looking for one regardless. As for medication... I've never had to take it before. This is the first time in my life I have ever felt this low..
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Pogue, No one here will judge you :hug:

    Please share what you're through with us, we really might be able to help. I promise you definitely won't feel worse for talking about it, not here at least, we're very understanding :)
  9. Madison_Rose

    Madison_Rose Active Member

    Hello Pogue. I understand why you don't want to talk to your - girlfriend? Wife? But everyone needs someone to talk to, and you sound like you need to talk really bad. As others have said, you can post about it here. Alternatively, if you live in the UK, you can call the Samatritans on 08457 909090, or visit their website here. If you're outside the UK, you can find a similar helpline through www.befrienders.org.

    Please keep posting, just to let us know how you are :)
  10. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Most countries have government sponsored help like therapists or mental health workers that also act as counsellors. Please ask your doc about any info he/she may have about it.
    I can understand about the pain and how raw it still is. But please dont worry about being judged. Not here, everyone undertands the depth of pain that one must feel to find their way here to SF. And no one elses pain or demons are any less or greater than another member here. It is what you are suffering with so it makes it real and something that needs to be heard. So please, as you feel a little less vunerable, post a little more about what happened. If nothing else getting it out there and making it real to others, having others see what you are suffering with, will start to break away at the power it holds over you. We will be here when you are ready hun. Keep posting and be safe!
  11. Pogue

    Pogue Member

    Thank you, everyone.. for your kind words.

    I've tried to shed my depression for the New Year.. but this has marked nearly the second year I've been struggling so hard with it. I hide it away, because I have no one to turn to about it. One half the problem I am prepared to tell.. the other half, no. I don't think I can ever tell anyone. There's certain people who would use the information to further humiliate me, but.. here goes.

    In plain, brutal words: I cheated. I was not together with the woman I am now when this "affair" began. I never cheated phsyically, I just continued talking to a woman I knew online about certain kinks that I would not expose my lover to, because I do not even like them. They come from a place of hate in me, as I only ever practiced them in an abusive relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Yet, I could not get over them, as much as I tried. Then, little by little, the pieces started falling away and I was left with only a pit of sadness at the betrayal I had committed. That was a turning point for me, and that happened two years ago in June of this year. The woman and I had a falling out because I wished to severe contact, and we have not spoken since.

    I feel disgusting, loathsome. Undeserving of the love my girlfriend gives to me. I look online for resources about cheating, and all I see is it being verified what a monster I am.. how she should leave me and never look back. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I'm not like that. I love her, and the potential of being caught isn't what frightened me. It was realizing that I was hanging on to a black spot on my soul instead of scrubbing it away.. I did, but it was too late. I'd done the damage.

    I want to.. I don't know. Feel normal again. I want to open the window on a warmer than usual winter night and feel at peace. It all seems so far away now..
  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Pogue welcome back!!!

    I'm glad that you find yourself comfortable enought to talk about this. Thank you for trusting the members here enough to share something so hurtful to you.

    Regardless of whether you are right or wrong for what you did, it happened. And trying to keep it bottled up and hidden deep inside is never letting you have a fair chance at really working at making things better for yourself.

    At this point I think you need to find ways to forgive yourself for what happened. You cant make it go away but you can work on stopping the pain from what happened. You had the courage to let some of it out here. I hope that it help you on some level. Now keep finding help by letting others try to support you through this. You deserve to be helped. You made the decision to carry the pain. Now make the decision to find ways to stop letting it destroy you emotionally and mentally.
  13. Pogue

    Pogue Member

    I... well, I just thought I'd check in and again thank everyone who had kind words for me.

    I'm feeling better about one part of it. I realized that what I did was bad, but what would be worse would be doing it again, which I never intend to do. She is my everything and I am determined to show her that with every waking moment. I wish my life was as good and pure as it used to be, but it will never be. I can only work towards a better tomorrow for myself and my love, however long she remains by my side.

    What still causes me to have suicidal thoughts is a complex story of cyberbullying. About ten years ago, I frequented a chatroom. I was well liked, a nice person. There was a rogue element in this room, an abusive, mean spirited clique. After a few years, bitter about how my ex-girlfriend from the room had treated me and still reeling from perverted hauntings that wouldn't leave me for many years and hating myself for them - thinking I wasn't right in the head, was dirty and unfit to live - I fell in with this clique. I thought they were my friends. I told them my secrets, let them into my real life. I helped them do horrible things to people that I wish I could atone for. Not for a selfish need of being absolved by those I wronged, but so they know that at least one person gave a damn and is truly sorry for what happened.

    I eventually grew up and started growing apart from this clique. I realized they were hateful people, and one of them was so demented he was and still does keep extensive records of everyone in the chatroom, mining their information for blackmail and harassment. I'd had enough. I told them so. What resulted was them phoning me relatives and claiming I was gay and needed to be tested for AIDS immediately and shouldn't be around my little cousins for fear of spreading the infenction, fake calls under my name to a suicide hotline, and a phone call to the police that brought the SWAT team to my door and almost resulted in me being shot and killed.

    This was a few years ago and they are still at it, a group of men in their 20's attacking my 16 year old female cousin and putting up fake websites of me that are impossible to get taken down and fearful of outing my real name ANYWHERE, lest someone find these pages.

    I'm scared to death of these people but I cannot stop them. And then I start thinking of what a burden I am to my family and friends that got caught up in this, and how they'd be better off if I never existed at all, and how it would stop if I finally died, so that anyone with the misfortune of sharing my last name they happen across wouldn't be hounded day and night by sociopaths...
  14. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    Everyone is so into what others think about them, I only care what my gf thinks about me lawl. Btw if you are different person how come you still look like the old you? I look at myself as a total idiot that looks nothing like me now every year of my life. Like a year ago I was a retard, if someone comes up to me and tells me that a year ago I did something wrong, I will just laugh and say that that person is no more.
    As long as you know you have changed and you are not the person, others will see that too. The fact that you are still embarrassed means you have not left the old you behind.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 29, 2010
  15. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Why don't you go to your pastor or rabbi and tell him what is in your heart, so you can unburden yourself and he can help you to start afresh.
    God does forgive all sins, you know.

    And if this will make you feel better, people like the ones who are bothering you, have short attention spans, and will move on to other things soon. You have to outlast them. Most people in the modern world have poor memories for scandal and negative information, as there are always newer ones cooking up. Soon, no one will remember. As for girlfriend and family members, time will take away the pain and your good deeds will replace your errors. Wishing you the best.
  16. Pogue

    Pogue Member

    Talking to a pastor is hard for me. I believe in God, but I don't believe in the Bible. I have my own thoughts on God, and a pastor might react unkindly to them, or me to his thoughts on the subject. God, the one I pray to, has forgiven me... I know that, deep inside. But there's a place even deeper than that who whispers how I'm only using that as a excuse, how I think I can sin and cleanse myself clean anytime I see fit. That I'm abusing the kindness and enteral gentleness, and that's even worse than being turned a blind eye to and disowned.
  17. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    Religions are all just philosophical books about how humans should treat each other really. God is there, he is watching. Your sins are but an illusion, are you intentionally hurting others? No, then you are not a sinner.
    Do good, as god helps them who work on his behalf. If you are trying with all your heart to do good deeds and live your life to its fullest, then you wont need no religion for proof. As he will be guiding your every step.

    If you see people treating you bad its them who need help not you, as they are not who they think they are.
  18. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    To really get forgiveness, you have to be sincere, make reparation and begin anew. Forgiveness is not lying to yourself, or self deceit. It really is turning away from the old and resolving to do good.
    Of course, you fall again, we are only human. But we get up and try again to do right.
    If we delude ourselves with the easy way out, of just saying nice words and sweeping our sins under the carpet, we will be only fooling ourselves.

    But we turn to God, because He is bigger than ourselves. Self cannot overcome self. So, asking God forgiveness is how we can start a new life.
    You have to be sincere and mean it, or else it doesn't work. Or at least you have to take steps in that direction.

    To not be able to get forgiveness, means leaving yourself open to accusations and depression and self-recrimination. Sometimes it is the soul that needs the healing. When God forgives you, no man can accuse you.
  19. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    No One is beyond forgiveness no one. Im praying for you. Maybe this will help from the Brothers Karamazov:

    "Fear nothing and never be afraid; and don't fret. If only your penitence fail not, God will forgive all. There is no sin, and there can be no sin on all the earth, which the Lord will not forgive to the truly repentant! Man cannot commit a sin so great as to exhaust the infinite love of God. Can there be a sin which could exceed the love of God? Think only of repentance, continual repentance, but dismiss fear altogether. Believe that God loves you as you cannot conceive; that He loves you with your sin, in your sin....If I, a sinner, even as you are, am tender with you and have pity on you, how much more will God. Love is such a priceless treasure that you can redeem the whole world by it, and expiate not only your own sins but the sins of others."
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