Don't Know What To Do!!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Stranger1, Jan 8, 2010.

  1. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I made it thru the holidays, which was a miracle..I sat back away from every one and just observed..They were all laughing and having a good time..All I could think about was I wanted to go home.. I am an isolationist and can't be around people..I've been this way all my life..
    Now that the holidays are over all I think about is ending it.. I have my method already figured out..I haven't been replying to threads because I have nothing usefull to say..
    I have been locked away in my bedroom for the last fifteen years.. No contact with the outside world other than appointments and the grocery store.. When I do go out I have to wear a hat and sunglasses..I can't handle the idea of someone trying to talk to me..I was in therapy for four years and had to quit going because of bills..
    All I keep thinking about is ending it.. I try to medicate myself so I sleep most the time..I won't go back into the hospital for personal reasons..I don't know what to do.. I am so sick of my life..I don't usually post my problems.. I keep everything inside of me.. I know I need help but have run out of options.. If I keep going on this track I will END IT!! I don't know what made me speak up now.. Maybe I am closer than I thought.. Your replies would be appreciated..Keep in mind I won't go to the hospital, and I can't afford therapy anymore.. Thank You!!
     
  2. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I don't have any good advice, just a :hug:
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Then you turn to the people that you can trust. Your friends that you made here. Joseph, we all understand pain. We all understand not being able to move forward anymore. And we all keep reaching out even when we think there is nothing left to reach out with.

    You know I"m a pm or email away. Please dont feel like you cant talk or open up. Remember waaayyyy back when, when we first "met". There is a special connection there. So please talk to me. You've been there for me and so many others. Now it's your turn to lean on someone. Besides just typing it all out in an extremely long email, might help you to lift the load, see things from a different perspective and once you start you might even find yourself talking about things you thought werent bothering you but now realize are.

    C'mon big bro. You can do this. You can get past this. You have friends that care and need you to pull through.
    x's & os
     
  4. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    Well doing it here is definitely a positive thing. Keep writing. Don't let it fester and fuel the suicidal urges. We love you Joseph :hug: :heart:
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    We all care about you! :hug: I'm glad you posted. You don't have to keep everything inside. It's okay to let someone know what you're going through.
     
  6. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey Stranger remember me!

    I heard someone call it the "curse of the strong once" and I totally related. You are there for so many, I have seen it, but have trouble reaching out in your time of need. Most of the time people don't suspect you are struggling because you seem to have your shit together and you don't voice it.
    Does this sound like it fits you?

    I for one am here for you at anytime and I agree with Spencer let it out here as much as you can it helps. There are folks here that love you and are here for you.

    I don't go to therapy myself right now as I find the friends here more of a comfort, they help me cause they want to not because they are paid. I seem to be doing okay and besides at our age we sort of know what the deal is but that is not the problem.

    Are you wishing to go out more? It is okay if you just want to be a reclusive, many people are and I think there is nothing wrong with it in many cases but society gives a hard time...just trying to say not all loners are unhealthy by staying alone.

    Not sure what else to say other than I sure am glad you posted and I am here for you. I am be an old lady but I have lots of life experience and can relate to much of how you feel so please lean on me as much as you like.

    Take care my friend and keep posting so we can be there for you we all love you,

    Bambi
     
  7. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Hi Joseph, you know you can always talk to me via pm also if you want to.

    What was happening all these last few months where you were always doing fairly well? Were the holidays a trigger for you? If so, that should pass Joseph. We are here for you.

    Please pm me!

    Mike
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey me too i can relate so well I am glad you posted and let the pain out the sadness out. Christmas was so hard and Newyears even harder. I hope you know that the people here all care and you have a connection here. This is where it is safe to be the real you okay Keep posting here don't isolate from us okay. I think calling a crisis or help line just to talk to a real person helps there is no fee for that. I have done this twice and both times i had someone who just listen and help me through the bad times. Maybe that can help you. I am glad you made it through now try to just relax and do something just for you okay just for you take care :cheekkiss:
     
  9. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    come on darling, nobody made it through the holiday & you made it, you can made through other boring days.i know how you feel when you said laughing and having a good time..All I could think about was I wanted to go home.. cos i always feel the same, you are not the only person.also im in isolation in the last 9 years so dont worry about those things.

    since i joined here,you are one of few people who enter my heart from first day i read posts here.I LIKE YOU & I CARE about YOU.please stay with us & keep writing, hope you feel better soon :hug:

    take care :hug:
     
  10. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hello there Joseph. We've not 'met' before but I read your posts with interest, I think you have a lot of powerful and insightful things to say. I've also noted that your support for others stems from a profound awareness of your own pain. And I'm guessing that you hardly ever post for support for yourself - and that your own pain goes unnoticed.

    I guess I'm trying to say that if you talked some more about what is going on for you, even if you think you've said it already a million times before (maybe you haven't?) - that's almost as good as therapy. I'm no therapist, but I want to know what's going on in your head, I want to hear you. And it's pretty clear that others do too.

    What about it? Feel up to talking some more, maybe telling more about those holidays that set you back so badly?
     
  11. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    I find SG very helpful. I have days I only read & don't post anything. Just escaping to SF daily has helped me more than the meds I take.
    I am sure you can PM most anybody, including myself. It really helps to talk about things.
     
  12. jnine

    jnine Well-Known Member

    the holidays or any days can leave a person feeling emotional bankrupt and physically exhausted and that only makes things worse, what could you do that would bring some energy back into your soul?



    here is some extra energy, i found it laying on the sidewalk and have been saving it for a special occasion, i hope it offers you a smile



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  13. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Thank you all for your support...This has always been a bad time of year for me..Each time I have had a breakdown it was this time of the year.. I have been in the hospital ten times..I won't go back now because they want to zap my brain.. I forget what it's called.. I told them no way!! I lost everything when I had my first breakdown..My job of ten years, my house, my truck, my fiance' who ripped me off for $18,000.. I was in the hospital for two months..They almost sent me to the state hospital..I am trying to cope the best I can.. I really need to get back into therapy but can't afford it right now..Your support here has helped keep me from going thru with it twice before.. Thats why instead of holding it in I let it out..Thank you again for your support it means alot to me..
     
  14. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hey glad it helped a bit. You know you can keep talking, treat us like therapy until you can find a way to get yourself back to see a proper therapist. You give so much on the forum, maybe you can be brave enough to let those you've helped try and help you?

    No doubt it's been suggested before, but have you thought of opening a diary on here? I find it helpful to get out things I'd like people to know, without expecting replies. It may be useful for you, don't know.

    Ten times is a LOT of times to have been in hospital. I don't blame you for not wanting to go back - by now I guess you will be at the point where you know exactly what to expect, and that it doesn't help. And brain zapping (is that ECT?) sounds frightening. Why do they want you to try that? Is it a 'last resort' or do they genuinely believe it could help?

    I hope you do keep hanging in there, keep letting yourself reach out on here. :hug:
     
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please don't try to cope alone!!! :hug:
     
  16. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    joseph . . .

    how many times have you been there, for me?

    i can't count them. .
    daily, since we became friends.

    whatever it is, that you have to do, in order to get through this low point, i am with you all the way.
    i will not let go of you and you are not going to fall. nor stumble.

    i cannot do without you....all the world is better with you in it : )

    love you . . . :handinhand:
     
  17. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    And bro we are going to help you through as many more times as it takes. Promise. So grab on to all those that treasure you. Alone you are going to falter. But together we can get you through. You are precious to so many here. And yo're my bro!!!! So come on. Let some more out. Pm if you cant talk or send me an email. Joseph just break that protection wall you have built a little crack. Just big enough to let me and the others that want to help, in. Cuz if you dont, we'll do it ourselves anyway :dry: and that aint gonna be pleasant. Imagine the mess!!! :arms: always there for you hun.
     
  18. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Hi, Joseph. Is there a state or county sponsored mental health agency nearby that can enroll you with a therapist in a subsidized mental health clinic? My brother is alcoholic, virtually homeless and terribly troubled but he is just starting to get psychiatric and psychological help at a state run clinic. He, like you is a former US Marine :patriot:.

    If your nerves can handle it, please try to force yourself to get out in public especially with family and in a quiet nature preserve. I imagine Florida is never unbearably cold though you do have them 'gators to contend with. Isolation makes for an idle mind and an idle mind is the Devil's Disneyland.

    As for the Electroconvulsive Therapy, I've had four separate rounds of it (at least forty treatments) and benefited from it each time- I'm a walking Tazer gun now. (Big laffs!) Seriously, I would recommend it but it seems highly controversial here.

    I hope you find wellness very soon. You are a SF gem! :console::arms:
     
  19. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Hi Joseph -

    I'm not in much of a state to help anyone right now, but just to say I care....

    You are such a kind, strong, heart here...

    I know about holding stuff in, for me it gets to be like a pressure cooker that explodes or destroys if I don't let off steam somehow...

    Keep venting here, know people care...