I made it thru the holidays, which was a miracle..I sat back away from every one and just observed..They were all laughing and having a good time..All I could think about was I wanted to go home.. I am an isolationist and can't be around people..I've been this way all my life.. Now that the holidays are over all I think about is ending it.. I have my method already figured out..I haven't been replying to threads because I have nothing usefull to say.. I have been locked away in my bedroom for the last fifteen years.. No contact with the outside world other than appointments and the grocery store.. When I do go out I have to wear a hat and sunglasses..I can't handle the idea of someone trying to talk to me..I was in therapy for four years and had to quit going because of bills.. All I keep thinking about is ending it.. I try to medicate myself so I sleep most the time..I won't go back into the hospital for personal reasons..I don't know what to do.. I am so sick of my life..I don't usually post my problems.. I keep everything inside of me.. I know I need help but have run out of options.. If I keep going on this track I will END IT!! I don't know what made me speak up now.. Maybe I am closer than I thought.. Your replies would be appreciated..Keep in mind I won't go to the hospital, and I can't afford therapy anymore.. Thank You!!