Don't know what to do.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gothicangel69, Oct 3, 2010.

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  1. gothicangel69

    gothicangel69 New Member

    My life has been a downward spiral for the last 7 years. This past month has been extremely depressing- to the point that I'm contimplating ending it all. I don't want to hurt my family, but I just don't think I can deal with the stress, hurt, and dissapointment.
    I have no friends, they either died, used me and left me, or moved away and lost touch. I feel so alone, and just want someone to talk to, but am affraid of being used and hurt again.
    I lost my best friend three years ago last month. Had to watch him die in my arms. It kills me a little inside everyday, and gets worse as time goes by.
    I got pregnant four years ago, but someone what I thought I loved, and who said he wanted a family, just to have him abuse me verbally and physically. I delt with the abuse for a year before I finally left him. Now I'm raising a child all on my own, and its upsetting and hard. I have a good job, but can barely afford his care. I struggle every day. My depression has started to effect how I talk and act around him, and he thinks I'm always mad at him, which breaks my heart. I love him to death, and don't want him thinking that I don't like him, but I can't control my sadness and grief.
    I just want my best friend back, and someone to act like they love me, and care about me, but I know that will never happen. I just can't trust anyone anymore.
    I have absolutely no money, and my son needs food. I'm having to sell my stuff just to feed him. I wonder if he would be better off without me.
    I don't want to kill myself, but it seems like the only option to end the pain.
    I have been living in agony for the last 7 years, and its just too much. I can't deal with it all anymore.
     
  2. dreams4life

    dreams4life Well-Known Member

    HI, glad you expressed your feelings here. Sorry about your friend. I personally did not have any "best Friend". But I do have a lot of friends. But many times I felt lonely in schools and colleges. I found my comfort in my Faith. Suicide should not be an option. You should survive.
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Oh sweetie, I know too well your situation. I'm a single mom with 4 kids. The 3 teens over the last several years have all moved in with their father. My youngest(he's 5) is with me. His "dad" (he too loved me was going to be there yadda yadda) after my son turned 1 decided it wasnt his. So it just my little guy and me.

    I havent been able to work for years now. My pdoc keeps saying maybe in a few more years. Money is so tight. And oh yes, I hate how my mental health issues cause me horrible moods that reflect back to my son that I'm always angry with him.

    Each day seems to get harder and harder to deal with him. He's only being a 5 year old but each day I pray that someone else could walk in and take over long enough for me to find some rest. Some help. Something!

    I have huge trust issues. And my biggest need in life is just a real honest hug from someone that understands. It's as if that hug would erase so much pain.

    I'm so glad that you find SF. You really have stumbled on to a very helpful site. Please keep posting. Letting out all the stuff you can in real life. We understand and we do care. Keep posting and let those that can help do just that. You dont have to fight alone anymore :arms: Feel free to drop me a private message anytime if you want to chat about things.
     
  4. gothicangel69

    gothicangel69 New Member

    Thank you for the kind replies. Its comforting to know that I'm not the only person feeling these things.
    I started cutting again last night- havn't done that in 10 years. It helps, but I know how addictive it is, which makes me feel worse in a way.
    I feels like I can't do anything right anymore.
     
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