Don't know what to do...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jdom, Dec 13, 2010.

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  1. Jdom

    Jdom Member

    A few months ago, I ended my relationship with my wife of 6 years. For some reason, I felt good about the desicion and found it easy to move on. We have a daughter that is 3 years old, and is truly the joy of my life. It was hard dealing with the bickering over getting to see my daughter, but I think I accepted it as my new reality. I started taking coarses at a local community college, and felt positive about my new direction in life.
    Shortly after my divorce, My grandmother past away. I toke it pretty hard, but when I was home I saw alot old friends. I spent alot of time with my best friend from high school. We talked about what happened in my failed marriage, and he agreed that he felt it was best for me. He told me that he never saw me with her originally and actually thought I would have ended up with on of my friends, Alice. I lost contact with Alice due to my relationship, My wife didn't like that fact that we were friends since we had a past history.
    I looked up Alice through facebook, and we immediately connected like we had never lost contact with each other. We spent the last few months together, spending every oppurtunity we had with each other. A few weeks ago, We got romantic with each other and things started to go down hill. We were both reluctant to get involved with each other, because we were both scared to losing each other. We tried taking it slow and going back to the way it was, but we always came back to being romantic. I truly feel like she is my soulmate if such a thing exists.
    Our insecurities started getting the best of us, and we started fighting over nonsense whenever we were not around each other. She started voicing concern that I would end up leaving her like every other guy in her past. I sympathized and felt similiar, Like perhaps we were doomed for failure because we both carried high expectations of each other. Anything short of death due us part would be unexceptable. This weekend was a breaking point.
    She told me she wanted to just remain friends, but It was hard for me to accept that since we had already crossed a point of no return. We couldn't go back to the way things were. So I told her, I would try my best. We spent the weekend with each other, me sleeping at her house, with plans on leaving sunday afternoon, 8PM. Around 1pm I started getting anxious and felt like I should just leave early, to get ready for the week. I wanted to hold her, kiss her, and confess my love but respected her wishes to remain friends. I may have came off alittle cold, but I was trying my best to act like it was "normal". When I left, she knew something was wrong. I tried to tell her nothing was wrong, and I would call her later. She then began getting upset with me, saying "Thank you for confirming my fears. You will leave...". Then she told me, "I'm Done." We texted back and forth, but her mind was made up. I tried calling her, but she wanted no part of it.
    I now feel like I have lost a lover and my best friend. This is possibly the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I have felt suicidal in the past, but never like this. I just keep saying to myself in my head, "Don't do this. This will pass." Repeating it over and over, like a mantra. I need advice, but have no one to turn to. Can someone please help me. I know one of you can help me through this. I don't want to feel this pain, and I know I can get past this with some help. If you are out there reading, and feel like you can help please email me @ jay_bevil@yahoo.com
     
  2. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    Hello Jay. I am not sure whether I am the right person to help you through what you are going through emotionally right now but I do think - from what you have written - that I can identify with Alice and I think she hasn't been entirely honest with you.

    Straight out, I think the issue is with the physical side of the relationship and that is not working for her - maybe try to get her to talk that more through with her. Do you really think you can just be friends with her? I don't think you will be able to maintain that - so in some ways she is helping you both make the break... She, for reasons of her own, is not comfortable with the sexual side of the relationship and you will not be comfortable without it.

    I am sorry for all your feelings right now. The brain has some very powerful chemicals it can flood the body with when it feels hurt ... someone else will be able to help u better than I can.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 13, 2010
  3. Jdom

    Jdom Member

    Thanks for your response, Maybe you are right. She has always been so honest with me in the past. Why would she feel like she couldn't be honest now?
     
  4. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    Well because sex is a complex subject - and I can't speak for a man but for me ... even if it works physically if it doesn't work connectionally/spiritually it is a kinda agony actually - I can feel like crying, kinda bursting into tears after sex but it seems to touch such a sensitive part of me that although I am writing to you about it, I never once discussed that with those individuals where that situation came up - u couldn't for some reason.
     
  5. Jdom

    Jdom Member

    Interesting... What do you think I should do about it?
     
  6. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    I could have it all wrong of course.

    And only she knows why it isn't working for her - and anyway this isn't doing anything to help you. I don't know what you can do except walk around half-doubled up in agony - I don't know any cure... you already know that fortunately, - as powerful as the brain is, it can't maintain the intensity indefinitely. Oh I am sorry for your hurt.
     
  7. Jdom

    Jdom Member

    Thanks for the help. It helps to envision other perspectives... well atleast to me. Maybe you have it wrong, but maybe you have a point. I feel like she has abandoment issues, and it may lead her to be dishonest. Maybe she feels like the truth will hurt me.
     
  8. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    I think you should ask her to be BRUTALLY honest with you - although I wonder whether I would still lie in that situation because it is such a tricky subject to talk through... that is if you really do want to know of course, as well. Sometimes maybe it is better not knowing and not dragging these things through the mud
     
  9. Jdom

    Jdom Member

    Well, I want her to be honest. I feel like there is 4 people involved in this dispute. 2 jilted lovers, and 2 best friends. When we fight, we always come back to each other to talk about everything. I feel like even if she hurt me romantically, I would run back to her to tell me best friend I just got my heart broken. This is she is unwilling to talk. So honesty is irrelevant right now.
     
  10. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Hi and welcome to the forum. I understand totally where you are i think and have gone through very similiar thoughts over the past two years.
    There are ways to deal with this, like you i am a dad too. No one said it will be easy, but with work on yourself things can get better. I am often in chat and around the forums, please come and find me if you wish. I just missed you in chat, but will look for you again. regards Pete
     
  11. Infortunatus

    Infortunatus Guest

    Sometimes it's a good idea to take a break from relationships for a while right after a divorce.

    Your daughter is young so it will be very important that you are always there for her, making sure she understands that you are her real father as she grows older and establishing a bond of unconditional love. Then no matter what your ex wife does, you and your daughter will always have a solid relationship that no one can take away from you.
     
  12. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    she is unwilling to talk.

    Give it a little time. I think she is right by the way. It is better to break off if one wants a sexual relationship and the other doesn't. As hard as it may seem, otherwise you are either going to be pushing for it or frustrated by it and she will feel guilty for accepting all the emotion and love you are directing her way but rejecting you for sex. It's hard.
     
  13. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Well said Chjones, relevant or not to this post, well said
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 13, 2010
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