Don't Know What to Do

I've had clinical depression for two years and am suicidal alot. I tried to do it last night again but couldn't. I've discussed everything alot with different people (parents/psychs etc) and I've finally reached the end of the road where I am no longer going to discuss any of it, as it gets nowhere, except arguments and differing opinions. I don't know what to do now, I'm sort of stuck, because I cant kill myself and I dont want to do anything. I can see that my parents are also just fed up at this stage and have nothing to say or do. I was up all last night and was meant to be doing work experience in a garage, but in 3 weeks i've managed to do 3 days, as I flake out on it after sleeping really badly the nights before...cus I have stupid dreams about unrealistic feeble, pitiful desires, and I'd rather just not sleep. Any realistic suggestions ..i.e stemming away from the idealistic bs... I'm just asking to see if theres anything to do other then just waiting, because I'm getting sick of waiting and failing

 

Hi E.D.,

I have no help, unfortunately, other than my sympathy because I am in a very similar place.

I am probably a lot older than you (30) but still haven't managed to deal with my 'mental disorders'. In contrat to you, however, I haven't talked to professionals about this because I was never brave enough and I still am not. Also, I live by myself, all alone and it's hard to do these things on your own without support.

May I ask you what it is that makes you so sad?
For myself, it is the feeling that I am so uncapable and stupid. I have no friends and no partner and no job. And I am so old now and still don't know what to do or where to go. All I managed to do in my life is get high academic degrees. That's all cause I could just work for myself.

Anyway, just know that you have my sympathy.

 

I find it hard to say why I get sad when I don't feel it. I am numb most of the time, and sometimes mistake the numbness for wanting to live. I just feel I dont deserve to live, as I dont deserve what I have. How I treat people, my desires (no matter how selfish or unrealistic), how I make other peoples lives hell, how I dont do anything, how I waste peoples time...etc etc etc....

I had a lengthy discussion with my dad last night at 2am. From what he said I deserve to live because I am intelligent and 'a nice guy (for the most part'. I then realised I have even less meaning to live. I'm not particularly smart, its a common enough trait, so its nothing special, and its fucking hugely overrated. And me being a nice guy for the most part is me trying wih everything in me not to be a dickhead..and i even fail at times wher i try my hardest..its pathetic. theres millions more 'nice guys' so i dont see anything particularly worthwhile in that either...especially since this characteristic is based off me pretending and not being me cus when I am..im just a general dick to all...

 

E.D. I'm so upset and sorry to hear you're going through this. Life sure is a difficult journey.

Please do your best to hold on; It's okay to feel the way you do, but please don't let go. Keep reaching out for the help you deserve; Know that you are loved.

Anytime you need anything, my PM inbox is open.

Take care. <3 x