my first attempt was in 5th grade. 7 years is how long i've been dealing with this stuff. i've gone through therapy, gone through so many therapists, and it never worked. i tried, i really did. i asked all these questions and they gave me suggestions to help, and i tried but it didn't work. i'm back in therapy because a month ago i attempted again. thankfully i didn't end up in the hospital again. i've been to the hospital twice. both of the times were terrible. i've been through many anti-depressants. i'm on medication now and it isn't working. every time i tell my psychiatrist that i feel worse, he doesn't really do anything. he just upped my dosage last month for the first time in like 4 months. honestly, i feel like there is no hope for my recovery. other people may be able to but i don't think i'll be able to. i've been dealing with this for 7 years and i haven't changed. i've been trying. nothing changes. it's not fair. i want so badly to just be happy and not think about death, but it doesn't happen. i don't even need a trigger to be unhappy, i just get that way and i fall into a deep hole and i can't find a way to get out. i just keep sinking deeper into the darkness. i don't know what to do anymore. my therapist recently told me that i'll have this depression for the rest of my life, that we just need to stabilize it. yeah, well, obviously that isn't working either. i don't think i'll recover from this. it's been too long. i'm still unhappy. yeah, i get neutral at times. but that's just feeling nothing. i dunno. it's just not fair.