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Don't know what to make of these comments...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Lone_Wolf, Mar 4, 2018.

  1. Lone_Wolf

    Lone_Wolf Well-Known Member

    I can't get these comments out of my mind.

    1) My mom and I were discussing my "generation," which I don't like doing in the first place since to do so is to make a generalization that can't be realistically applied to everyone, and she said something odd. That you all don’t even talk to your families anymore or visit them which I thought was a broad and assuming thing to say about a whole generation. Then she made it more personal and said I don’t talk to any of my other family or visit them. I think that's what she wanted to say to me all along.

    So now I’m to blame for my parents moving states away from where they originally lived and me never meeting those family members? I’m to blame for them not talking to their families? I’m to blame for being an only child?

    I told her I don’t even know the family members living in the state where she used to live and she said “exactly!” That people like me are different than they "used to be."

    What? I don’t get it? My dad won't speak to his father and fights with him when he does, he didn't want to go to the funeral of his mother, and I recently found out I had some family living a few cities away that I've never seen before. My mom won't talk to her siblings and I don't even know who most of my family members are? I didn't grow up around them so I'm not close to them?

    2) My mom on several occasions has given me permission to kill myself. I don't think she wants to be involved with me anymore. She has told me before when I was suicidal "to just do it then," to go home and just do it. Or before when talking about the voices and the suicidal feelings and the fact that I need medication (which was another really long discussion) she said she can't keep me here if I don't want to be and she isn't going to try anymore. Also, she rather me just kill myself than take the medication apparently. She doesn't want to be to blame if it causes me to have "brain damage."

    3) She told me that she rather I just drink away my problems than take a medication.

    4) I have this memory that keeps coming up from when I was a child. My mom said that she could shame me into feeling better so she would always threaten to tell my dad about my self-harm (I could write a whole story about how afraid I was of him growing up) so that I could feel shame. Also I remember when I was 12 and we went on vacation and I had made this salve out of things I don’t remember anymore but I was using it for the scarring. Two things happened that made me feel really violated. My mom told my aunt about me self-harming in order to “shame me from not doing it anymore.” She told her “he’s being cutting her arm” and my aunt just looked at me with this really weird expression that I still can’t read in my memories. She was just silent. I had scars on my arms from the self-harm so people at that house would just grab my arm randomly and look at the scars in silence when I was sitting on the couch. I looked at my mom and she gave me that same expression. Never have I felt so humiliated before. It’s like they were shunning me or expressing disappointment. Also, I don’t remember if it was the same day or not, but sometime on the vacation she found my salve and asked what it was but she found out and did that “silent treatment” as well.

    Thank you for allowing me to vent here. I have a lot on my mind right now. I feel that my mom doesn't care for me anymore and I would like to move far away when I can...
     
  2. I've learned to avoid my mother for a lot of really good reasons. But mainly because no matter how hard I tried or what I did, it was never good enough. I constantly went out of my way to try to understand what I was doing wrong and why she neglected me emotionally...why when I felt like shit all she did was tell me to get over it, why she put so much fucking pressure on me about grades to the point that she would use my vulnerabilities against me, why she treated me like a piece of shit when I didn't measure up to her standards, and why she refused to protect me from the constant verbal abuse of the rest of the family as well as those little fuckfaces at school. But the answer was simple:
    That's how she grew up. It was all she knew. She was constantly neglected herself by my crazy bitch of a grandmother. When our parents end up with such seemingly strong biases and raise us thinking these things are okay, it's usually because it was all they ever knew. When I finally figured this out, I was on a new mission...instead of trying to measure up to her fucked up standards, I tried to make her see that the things she did was wrong. Needless to say, I would have had better luck trying to explain this to a fucking wall. In her mind, everything was merely my fault because I made my own choices and she did no wrong. She's halfway right. I did make some shitty choices as an adult, which I accept that I'm at fault for, but only after she took the liberty of making shitty choices for me, and instilling shitty values into me as a kid. But it's easier for her to believe the latter, because if she didn't, that would mean she fucked up as a parent.

    Do what's best for you and ignore your parents when they spew that sort of bullshit at you because chances are, you can't change it.
     
    weirdjen, Dawn and Lone_Wolf like this.
  3. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    I would guess that your mother feels guilt and shame over her behaviors. She personalized your self harm as a reflection of her competency as a mother. And when you talk of medication or suicide it reinforces in her mind that she has failed you.
     
    weirdjen, Bassettherapy and Lone_Wolf like this.
  4. Lone_Wolf

    Lone_Wolf Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your advice and I'm sorry that you went through that.
     
  5. Lone_Wolf

    Lone_Wolf Well-Known Member

    I've never thought of it that way. It makes it easier to process if I think of it that way, thanks.