I can't get these comments out of my mind.
1) My mom and I were discussing my "generation," which I don't like doing in the first place since to do so is to make a generalization that can't be realistically applied to everyone, and she said something odd. That you all don’t even talk to your families anymore or visit them which I thought was a broad and assuming thing to say about a whole generation. Then she made it more personal and said I don’t talk to any of my other family or visit them. I think that's what she wanted to say to me all along.
So now I’m to blame for my parents moving states away from where they originally lived and me never meeting those family members? I’m to blame for them not talking to their families? I’m to blame for being an only child?
I told her I don’t even know the family members living in the state where she used to live and she said “exactly!” That people like me are different than they "used to be."
What? I don’t get it? My dad won't speak to his father and fights with him when he does, he didn't want to go to the funeral of his mother, and I recently found out I had some family living a few cities away that I've never seen before. My mom won't talk to her siblings and I don't even know who most of my family members are? I didn't grow up around them so I'm not close to them?
2) My mom on several occasions has given me permission to kill myself. I don't think she wants to be involved with me anymore. She has told me before when I was suicidal "to just do it then," to go home and just do it. Or before when talking about the voices and the suicidal feelings and the fact that I need medication (which was another really long discussion) she said she can't keep me here if I don't want to be and she isn't going to try anymore. Also, she rather me just kill myself than take the medication apparently. She doesn't want to be to blame if it causes me to have "brain damage."
3) She told me that she rather I just drink away my problems than take a medication.
4) I have this memory that keeps coming up from when I was a child. My mom said that she could shame me into feeling better so she would always threaten to tell my dad about my self-harm (I could write a whole story about how afraid I was of him growing up) so that I could feel shame. Also I remember when I was 12 and we went on vacation and I had made this salve out of things I don’t remember anymore but I was using it for the scarring. Two things happened that made me feel really violated. My mom told my aunt about me self-harming in order to “shame me from not doing it anymore.” She told her “he’s being cutting her arm” and my aunt just looked at me with this really weird expression that I still can’t read in my memories. She was just silent. I had scars on my arms from the self-harm so people at that house would just grab my arm randomly and look at the scars in silence when I was sitting on the couch. I looked at my mom and she gave me that same expression. Never have I felt so humiliated before. It’s like they were shunning me or expressing disappointment. Also, I don’t remember if it was the same day or not, but sometime on the vacation she found my salve and asked what it was but she found out and did that “silent treatment” as well.
Thank you for allowing me to vent here. I have a lot on my mind right now. I feel that my mom doesn't care for me anymore and I would like to move far away when I can...
1) My mom and I were discussing my "generation," which I don't like doing in the first place since to do so is to make a generalization that can't be realistically applied to everyone, and she said something odd. That you all don’t even talk to your families anymore or visit them which I thought was a broad and assuming thing to say about a whole generation. Then she made it more personal and said I don’t talk to any of my other family or visit them. I think that's what she wanted to say to me all along.
So now I’m to blame for my parents moving states away from where they originally lived and me never meeting those family members? I’m to blame for them not talking to their families? I’m to blame for being an only child?
I told her I don’t even know the family members living in the state where she used to live and she said “exactly!” That people like me are different than they "used to be."
What? I don’t get it? My dad won't speak to his father and fights with him when he does, he didn't want to go to the funeral of his mother, and I recently found out I had some family living a few cities away that I've never seen before. My mom won't talk to her siblings and I don't even know who most of my family members are? I didn't grow up around them so I'm not close to them?
2) My mom on several occasions has given me permission to kill myself. I don't think she wants to be involved with me anymore. She has told me before when I was suicidal "to just do it then," to go home and just do it. Or before when talking about the voices and the suicidal feelings and the fact that I need medication (which was another really long discussion) she said she can't keep me here if I don't want to be and she isn't going to try anymore. Also, she rather me just kill myself than take the medication apparently. She doesn't want to be to blame if it causes me to have "brain damage."
3) She told me that she rather I just drink away my problems than take a medication.
4) I have this memory that keeps coming up from when I was a child. My mom said that she could shame me into feeling better so she would always threaten to tell my dad about my self-harm (I could write a whole story about how afraid I was of him growing up) so that I could feel shame. Also I remember when I was 12 and we went on vacation and I had made this salve out of things I don’t remember anymore but I was using it for the scarring. Two things happened that made me feel really violated. My mom told my aunt about me self-harming in order to “shame me from not doing it anymore.” She told her “he’s being cutting her arm” and my aunt just looked at me with this really weird expression that I still can’t read in my memories. She was just silent. I had scars on my arms from the self-harm so people at that house would just grab my arm randomly and look at the scars in silence when I was sitting on the couch. I looked at my mom and she gave me that same expression. Never have I felt so humiliated before. It’s like they were shunning me or expressing disappointment. Also, I don’t remember if it was the same day or not, but sometime on the vacation she found my salve and asked what it was but she found out and did that “silent treatment” as well.
Thank you for allowing me to vent here. I have a lot on my mind right now. I feel that my mom doesn't care for me anymore and I would like to move far away when I can...