I need help and I'm not sure how. Much has happened in my life but for a few years now I have been deeply depressed and contemplate all aspects of just checking out: First, how do I do it? Everyone, even if you want to die, is afraid of how those last seconds will be. Or at least I do. Will I end my life in pain? How long does it take (given different methods). What will happen to all my unfinished business? What about my family and friends? People care about and love me... but that doesn't help. I mean, it does, but it doesn't conquer the hopelessness. And then there's just plain fear. I never thought I would do this. I never go on forums. I barely use Facebook. I have been to a psychiatrist who is obviously close friends with Pfizer. I went to a therapist who did nothing accept ask the questions that I am very aware of the answers to. I have had terrible things happen in my life which have left me feeling broken with a bleak outlook. But I think (lost my memory... hence "terrible things") that I also felt this way before. Not sure. Pre "brain wipe" I am not always sure of who I was versus who I am now. But being a workaholic (former, don't work at the moment) and an extremely active pothead, I've managed to push everything down. Getting sick and loosing all my memories and ability to store new information sent me into a spiral that has greatly, massively, majorly contributed/fanned the flames of where I am. (Brain Infection) But now here I am. Call me bipolar or erratic, but I get these spells I cannot shake: anywhere, anytime. The thoughts just keep running even when I am in a social setting surrounded by people who are all having fun. I am trapped in dark, self-destructive and pointless outlook in life. So distant and isolated. That's a good description. I think a text book one too. Duh! I tell myself all the things I can do: become more active, meditate, journal, go join clubs to meet new people, go on hikes by myself, pursue my arts and passions, think, reflect, learn... blah blah blah. But then everything goes dark again. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think about killing myself/how to kill myself. I read over a long list of symptoms regarding suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I suffer from everyone of them. This made me cry more. I fit the profile. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I am having a very hard time weighing the two out. Again, I don't know why I am writing this. Even now I think pessimistically about doing this. What's the point? Is anyone going to read this? Seriously, is anyone going to tell me anything I don't already know about myself and how I feel and my background, etc.? Is some magical switch going to be flipped, simply because I am reaching out? Am I just going to be fed coping mechanisms that I won't end up practicing? I feel like I can't breathe sometimes or that I am in a separate, distant world from all those around me. They're out there, and I'm in my own space. Not usually a good one. Trapped in my head in a very bad way. I don't know how to cope accept continuing to self medicate with weed and hide out from the world which I seem to have no interest in being part of. I don't know where to turn. I don't know what to do. I don't want to no longer be here, but I don't know how to be part of here. I don't know anymore. If you read this, thanks for taking the time. Take care and I hope that if you feel or identify with anything that I am saying that you have found a better, happier, more optimistic outlook on life!