Don't know what to title this.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Baine, Sep 7, 2009.

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  1. Baine

    Baine Member

    Hi, I'm 18 years old and I live in Norway, every second I'm writing this I'll have in the back of my mind that I just just X this and do something else, but I know that doing something else feels just as meaningless anyways, so I'll continue anyways. Nothing matters tbh, but I guess we all feel that way. And there are a lot of things in my life that are great, so I don't understand why I'm bitching about my life so much. But yeah...

    A quick yell about how my life is would be like this: I've grown up with a famous father who I didn't see that much while growing up since he was in different countries on tours etc, my mother was a very emotional, but at that time a very kind person, I felt very loved. I think. I've always been different from my siblings, some say the difference is like night and day between us. But when I was around 10+ I started to notice that my father favorized my older brother, and my mother favorized my younger sister, I'm the shit in the middle. For years I've been trying to convince myself that it's just me feeling sorry for myself, because I know people love doing that, feeling sorry for themself. But I've had grownups tell me that they saw how they treated us different and they didn't like it, my stepfather (when I was around 14) said I was his favorite, but that changed quickly.

    I've been diagnozed with ADHD and Bipolar Syndrome, or something. Which my parents aren't really 100% aware of, well, now my father is, and he's actually for the first time caring about me, telling me I have to use him more(for money etc).

    I've done GREAT in school, but now I'm starting to slack because I don't care. I've worked as a tattooist, I finished being an apprentice after 5 months, but I quit right after because of shit that happened at the studio + I quit everything I do, because of depression. + they kind of fucked me over at the studio.

    I don't know why I'm writing all of this, maybe because I'm looking for someone to talk to.

    I hate a lot of stuff, when I take the bus I get thoughts of just killing everyone because I get filled with so much hate, for everything and nothing. I've become a racist, but yet again I hate everything, so don't know if it counts as racism.

    I have suicidal thoughts all the time, and I'm tired of quitting everything, I lose intrest in everything, even the things I do good. I've been stupid and done lots of drugs, self medication or something, I honestly don't know. But I'm currently not doing anything like that anymore, but I will if it keeps me alive.

    I'm 100% aware of my depression, and how it ruins my life, and I know how stupid it is, and that I should just ignore it, but I really can't.

    Feel free to ask anything about my exiting meaningless life. I guess this is a cry for attention or something. The beauty of being anonymous:)
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It's good to have you here Baine. Have they put you on meds to help with your ADHD and Bipolar. Are you in therapy of any kind? You can't really ignore depression. It doesn't let you. I am glad you found us and can lean on us a bit for extra support. :shake:
  3. Baine

    Baine Member

    To gentlelady

    Nah, I've gone to this shitty place for help, but it's going nowhere, so I'm not going anymore, I've had to ask my father to pay for it since the place I used to work at fucked me over. No money.

    Just talked to a guy for ages, then he assigned me for someone else or something, no meds, no nothing.

    And the hardest part is that I have a girlfriend in sweden, stockholm, 8 hours away by bus. I love her a lot, and she loves me, but she doesn't really think about my depressions as something serious it seems. I guess I expect more from her, which is my mistake, we're not that old, it requires a lot of experience or A LOT of social intelligence to understand how to be around me to avoid making me more suicidal/depressed.

    I demand too much, I'm tired of being a burden.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I would check myself in to hospital and get help for my depression and get on meds for your ADHD AND Bipolar condition. You won't get better until you are on proper meds If parents won't do anything then you do something go to emerg dept and tell them you need help. call crisis and tell them you are having sucidal thoughts make things happen to get help you need.
  5. Baine

    Baine Member

    But I have, I have gone to this special thing in Norway where you first talk a lot to someone, and they give you some forms and stuff, and out of the talk + the forms they diagnose you, but all of a sudden the guy I was talking to had to leave that place and another one would take over=starting all over again, and I have to pay... Not much, but it's a lot for me considering I'm broke and my 2 last jobs didn't pay me.
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