-=don't know what to type=-

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Robert_Todd, Nov 21, 2007.

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  1. Robert_Todd

    Robert_Todd Member

    Well that's one less drama in my day.. not much of a title for a forum topic though.

    How do you know if you're crazy? How do you know if you're really suicidal?
    I think I'm suicidal?

    I had a nervous breakdown & went to a hospital for the mentally ill a few months ago.

    I get happy.. so happy I could sing at the top of my voice in Public.. but then I got so sad I cried for a week.

    I don't think that Men shouldn't cry. I think it's OK to cry.

    I don't know how to be normal.. or what normal even is? ..I think?
    Maybe I am normal, and this is all just some stupid crap I'm pulling for attention?

    I'm happiest at home in front of a computer.

    I don't like to go out. - I avoid going out.

    I can talk normally to people, but I hate it. It's a chore.

    I'm sad at typing this because I think I'm defective.

    I don't think my wife loves me.

    I don't want anything. Not food, not anything.

    I sleep 16 hours a day sometimes.

    I stay up at night because I can't bear the pain of my wife leaving for work in the morning. - If I stay up, I usually sleep through her leaving.

    My wife said she was going to leave me in 2002, and then again in Jan 2007. But after begging, and crying hard she changed her mind.

    I cut myself with scissors - on numerous occasions. I have cuts on my face at the moment.

    I put a rope around my neck to see if I thought I could bear to be hanged. - I don't think it would be that traumatic a way to die.

    My father has Alzheimers and is getting so bad he threw his teeth in the bin - I don't think he'll live much longer and that makes me sad.

    My wife hates my Mother & won't visit my dieing father with me. - I have to go alone.

    About 2 Months ago, I got sad & angry & tried to kick & hurt my wife. - She forgave me. I haven't hurt her physically since, or before then.

    I hate myself for hurting her.

    I say horrible, spiteful, hurtful things to my wife sometimes.

    I feel a bit better for typing this.

    My first business went bankrupt. - It cause me & my wife to go personally bankrupt.

    Why do I bother with trying?

    I don't know why I'm sad.

    I just tried to tell you all my problem, but I don't know what it is? All I do know is that I feel like my wife doesn't love me because she chooses to work away from me, and she's trying to have a life of her own now - not necessarily without me.

    Our children are old - 14, 15. I think she will leave me when they leave home. She doesn't want any more children.

    I don't know what to do, but I'm still here. I can't force my wife to love me, and I can't bring myself to leave her. I can't live with her in a normal manner (not being depressed about us) without hateing her.

    I love her dearly.

    I miss my wife.

    I'm not allowed to feel upset or depressed about this, because it's not really my emotions, it's just the depression talking. There's nothing wrong with my wife getting a job. Even if I can pay her $1,000.00 a day, she should be allowed to go out & work wherever she wants!

    But what if it's not the depression? Why doesn't she want to work with me? Why am I defective?

    This is so insignificant & pathetic. I'm pathetic & deserve to die. What a petty insignificant little person I am for thinking this way. Why do I think thins way?

    I just want to be normal.

    But I don't know what normal is.

    I should die.

    Till death do us part. That was a promise.

    I want to die, but I can't do it.

    I hate myself for can't doing it.

    I hate me.

    Sorry for drivelling on.

    OMG, I don't know where to end.

  2. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Hey Robert, im sorry you are hurting so much. I can understand you very well :hug: Not quite sure how to tell you how to improve things. Do you have any kind of therapy? you sound terribly depressed. to stay up all night in front of the computer seems like evading for the confontation with your wife. do you have any hobbies? anything you would like to do, anything you would like to work or study? Please stay strong, suicide is not the answer.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I have come to realize there is no normal, "normal". It is different for every person and every culture and every race. So how can there be just 1 normal that we all are trying so hard to achieve? If there was the world would be a pretty lost cause. You are right. It is the depression talking and that is one of the "normals." So see for a depressed person you are "normal". We are normal here. If you want the "normal" that everyone is seeking out there, you have come to the right place. Everyone here suffers from something, some demon. But we all want to help one onother get through it. I am 42, suffer from depression, bi polar, anxiety and panic attacks. I lived with an abusive spouse for too many years. So yes, please stick with your promise not to hurt others any more. It wil only hurt you more in the long run and you may very well lose the things most important to yo. I have a 16, 14, 12, and (oops) a 2 year old. They are the only "normal" thing I have got going for me. Sure they are grown but I cling to them for my life. You should possibly look into some sort of support group. There you are with other people just trying to get on with their lives. It is like being here. It really helps you to be surrounded by people who share your pain and can help you . Once you can find some hope for yourself, then you can start wokring on your marriage and be a part of their lives again. Please stay safe and keep reaching out to others. It's not pathetic it's NORMAL.
  4. Robert_Todd

    Robert_Todd Member

    I've got to go see the Doctor, but what if he commits me again?

    I'm afraid.
  5. Robert_Todd

    Robert_Todd Member

  6. Robert_Todd

    Robert_Todd Member

    My hands and arms are tingling, wet tears run down my face, tracing pathways of dried tears that flowed before them. I'm physically shaking, and my head is slightly tingling. I have almost no energy, and movement is slow and shaky.

    Do you know what it's like to laugh while you're crying? The hah-hah-hah air movement is there, and you're smiling, but tears are running down your face and you're making a sort of whiney crying sound. It's really strange.

    I don't know how to write this, and it's annoyiong me that this is taking so long, so please excuse me if I'm a little incoherent at times.

    Today is the 22nd of November. 22-11 Those numbers have always had significance in my life, but I never knew why. I was born on the 22nd March 22 - 3 so I never knew why I liked those numbers. I think it's because that's the day I'll die.

    I came back from my Doctors appointment, and I spoke to my Psychologist (on the phone). Oh, get this... I drove about 50 Kilometers along the freeway today, in an unregistered car at about 140 - 160 Kilometers an hour to try get there with time to see my wife on her lunch break. I told her I couldn't face my Psychologist (that's what I was supposed to do after the doctor) and that I was jus going to go home. She asked me if I was going to leave, and that she didn't care if I did. Is it emotional abuse when your wife is harsh to you?

    I'm so sad at this, I cried all the way home. She just walked off from me and left me. I'm so sad.

    I'll kill myself today, so I better leave some sort of note. Sorry to drop it on you all like this.

    For you cluedo fans... Mr. Todd will do it in the Bedroom with a Bottle of pills.

    To my wife.. I'm sorry. You knew this was coming for ages. Hell, you've even asked me why I haven't done it yet, and when I'll likely do it so you can get on with your life. I do love you, but I don't think you'll be hurting too much from this. I got more to say, but there's no point. You won't listen and I won't take up these good peoples time.

    To Dominic...
    I've just realised I don't know what to say. How can I cram the next 20 years worth of advice into these small words?

    To Alexander...
    (Dominic.. I'm writing Alex first because he's the oldest, and his name starts with "A") ..hmm, I'll write Dominics first lol

    To Alexander and Dominic...
    I'm sorry boys. I love you both very much. Maybe it'll be you that save me, I don't know if I can do this now.

    To my Dad...
    I'm sorry Dad. I would never do anything to hurt you, but I know you won't remember this (alzheimers) anyway. If I go to heaven, I'll see you there. I think I've got a whole world of pain waiting though. And I do prefer the cold to the heat. Maybe hell is cold. Ice cold. How does anyone know it's a fiery hell after all?

    To my Mum...
    I'm sorry Mum. I love you very much. I know you love me & wanted me to do good, but remember.. I did do good. I'm a good person. I don't hate you, but I'm easing my conscience by thinking that maybe this is God's punishment for you for being so cold to Michael (My adopted older Brother).

    I'm sorry Michael, Jacky, and all you other friends and family out there. I want to tell you I love you and that I'm sorry, but my time is short, and I'm really weak. I haven't been eating for the last few days (as little as possible).


    Well, now that I've typed that out, I feel a bit different. More relaxed, and very at ease. I don't need a will because everything I own goes to my wife.
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