Don't know where else to turn.....but feel really stupid!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tamerak2, Oct 20, 2008.

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  1. tamerak2

    tamerak2 Member

    I really don't know what I am doing here.....other than the fact that I have been having suicidal thoughts lately and when i went onlne in search of help.....I landed here.

    I am a 35 year old mother of 2 who frankly has no business having these kinds of thoughts. I realize how incredibly selfish and dramatic it sounds to say...."I want to take my own life." Even as I write it I am struck by how ridiculous it sounds! And yet, that thought is always there lately....

    I have never in my adult life felt that way until recently. I have always been a very successful person. I accomplished everything I set out to do.......give or take....

    I wanted to get married and start a I did. I wanted to build a new/better house for my I did. I wanted my children to experience the best things in life, vacations, dance lessons, soccer, sports, a nice home, guilt free shopping, a little pampering, they did. I wanted them to grow up in the country where they could have horses and kittens and responsibilty and be surrounded by nature and learn to appreciate things like a gravel road, the sound of birds in the forest and the smell of we moved to our dream home in the country. Our little 8 acre parcel of Heaven!

    Don't get me wrong. We were never "rich" by any means. But that was always the goal and in the meantime, we were quite comfortable. It seemed like nothing was ever too far out of reach. I was always dreaming of the future and what new business adventure I could join or start on my own. I was always reaching for the stars and it really never occurred to me that they were simply too far away or that I couldn't get there.

    I didn't know that my life was going to fall apart and that I was going to lose everything I had ever dreamed of and accomplished and also lose myself along the way.

    It started when my Mom died in November of 2006. That was the beginning of the end of the person that I once was. Her death was the first thing in my life that I had absolutely no control of. I could not stop her from dying. I could not "wish her well" or "positive think" my way into a cure for her disease. She died, in spite of all the efforts I made, both physically and spiritually, to save her.

    That was when I first lost a significant amount of confidence in myself. That was when I first realized that maybe life is not at all within my control and that all of the things I had thought I had accomplished, were not really MY accomplishments at all........maybe NOTHING is in our control and everything that happens in life is just pure dumb luck or worse.......maybe it's all a predetermined fate of which YOU have no say.

    It's ridiculous right? OF COURSE, you have no control over someone's death. DUH! But nonetheless, that's how I felt.

    It was only a few short months after her death that the next significant loss happend. And then it was an avalanche of losses to follow...... The next thing to happen was that I lost one of the businesses that I had been working so hard to build. Clients began cancelling appointments. Customers began cancelling or returning orders and the money I was starting to make, dwindled down to bare minimum and then soon....nothing!

    Then, I lost our beloved dog. My husband's dog to be exact. And when I say I lost him, I literally lost him. I let him outside and he never came back. I finally tracked him down at an animal shelter (over an HOUR away). I was very excited to have found him, but that was short lived because I was told that they had just sold him the day before to a new family and there was no way I could get him back.

    I did everything I could to get him back. I offered to BUY him back......I took my case to the highest level possible and even brought my story to the media... I never got a response. I never got him back. The OLD me would have not only gotten a response, I would have had my dog back the next day and my children would not have lost their beloved pet. But no. This was just another HUGE blow to my already wounded self confidence and my even more fragile self esteem.

    After the loss of my first business, I decided to start a second. A cleaning business. After all, my husband and I owned and managed several rental properties and we always did all the turn over cleaning ourselves.....why not take that a step further and turn it into a business.

    Long story went really well in the beginning. I managed to turn a profit within the first 6 months and was set to make it BIG with this new adventure.

    Then, the real estate market crashed. And when it did, it took my rental properties, my cleaning business, and all of my hopes and dreams along with it. We were forced to foreclose and sell short all but 2 of our properties. And, since our lovely, country lifestyle was supported almost fully by the rental income, we lost our home too.

    I went from being on top of the world, to having the weight of it on my shoulders, to finally being crushed by it.

    The worst part is that my children have had to move for the 4th time in their short lives and this time...NOT for the better! And, it's MY fault. It was MY dreams that started us on the course of investing in the first place.

    They deserve so much better than I am able to give them now. For the first time I truly feel like they would be better off without me because I can't seem to get over all of the loss. They don't need that. They need a mother who can rise to the occasion, pick herself up by the bootstraps and go on to make an even BETTER life for them. But I have tried to do just that, and I can't. I don't know what else to say......I just can't.

    My children deserve to have a mother who is happy. Not someone who cries everyday......Not someone who is so miserable all of the time....Not someone who has to deny them almost everything they ask for now.....Not someone who is too stupid to see the changes in the market and do what it would take to protect their investments.....Not someone who has taken away everything that was good in their lives....

    I am a shadow of my former self. I am an overweight, 35 year old, nobody with no education, no business to be proud of, no home to be proud of.............nothing to show for herself whatsoever. I have absolutely nothing of value left to give to my children or to the world. Nothing to leave behind that says......."Hey, I was here and look what I accomplished! Look what I had to offer the world and give back! Look at the wonderful legacy I have left my children and my childrens' children!"

    I just want to start over as someone new.
  2. Pingu

    Pingu Well-Known Member

    Listen, your are a much better mom than you think you are.
    And believe me when i say this, doing suicide will hurt ur children for the rest of their lives.
    There are no perfect mothers in this world, and from what i read, your actually a good mother, atleast you try and want the best for your children.
    I havent had the best parents in the world, but i know this, if one of them did suicide, it would hurt me so much that i would actually do suicide myself.
  3. tamerak2

    tamerak2 Member

    Thank you for that. I know the impacts.......I know that it's the worst thing I could do.....and still......I can't shake the thoughts.

    I can't get out of the funk. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have felt this way for going on 2 years now and it just keeps getting worse.

    Everytime I look at my kids I think...."God they deserve better!" I am not the person I once was.....not even close....and I don't know that I ever will be again.......and they deserve better.
  4. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    I think you need to think about the fact that you are not wonder woman, you're a human being who has tried very hard in her life. Not only this but misfortune gets us all sadly.

    I know a family of rich people, the father a stock broker the Mum a teacher. Their house was huge, beautiful garden, it was going so well for them. Then their eldest child got cancer, luckily they caught the cancer in time but it just shows how no matter who you are, there are some things you simply have no control over happening, it's how you deal with them that matters.

    The family had the forsight to take their child to the doctor when she was unwell, they were strong enough to pull through as a family. There is nothing you can do about the past but the future you can come prepared for.
  5. Shit happens, Hon - some of us get it in spades. Top of the world, yet destined for a trip down a mountain of razor blades - and often worse than us judging ourselves - is the peanut gallery (real or imagined) working hard to make us feel even worse.

    You've done some some AHmazing shit, woman. Priorities matter now - not the fringe benefits and their seeming loss. Your kids will learn to recognize the difference. Screw The Jones'. Do what YOU gotta do. Do it before your apparent resilience wears down. Cry when you gotta...let it out. Do it here if you must....

    Baby, I don't say this to many - I despise shallow platitudes...but it ain't over yet...

  6. tamerak2

    tamerak2 Member

    Thank you for your replies everyone. I truly do appreciate your advice and kind words.

    I know without a doubt that I am suffering with depression right now, but I need to determine if this is just situational or if it's something more.

    There are definitely circumstances that have brought it on, but is it "normal" to feel suicidal in this situation or does that mean there is something wrong with me?

    Yes, I know...a therapist (or counselor) can make that determination.....but to tell you the truth, my hubby and I are in marital therapy right now, and so far we have not found a good counselor. And I am getting sick of looking for one.......
  7. Danny Crooks

    Danny Crooks Well-Known Member

    I was in awe at your positivity at being able to succeed in every area which you wished to, and found it inspiring, to be honest.

    I really think you need to talk this through with your husband, and potentially a therapist, to get this feeling off of your chest, .. I'm sure your husband will be supportive, as it seems you have a strong bond, and have enjoyed good times together, .. but lest forget, marriage is, as they say, "for better or for worse".

    If you do need a rant feel free to drop me a PM.
  8. tamerak2

    tamerak2 Member

    Thank you. I just may do that!
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