Don't know where I am heading!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jell, Oct 16, 2013.

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  1. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    Ok so suicidal thoughts are around all the time at the moment the minute I wake up to the time I am asleep even briefly, I laugh and joke with my son in the morning before school and the minute he walks out I am a gibbering wreck, yesterday I was going to go to my taekwondo class but I go to the bus station find a random bottle containing some pill that I have no idea what is was, so I pick it up I then go on a bus ride for an hour go get a drink and travel back on a different bus for 2 hours to grab a drink for my son and then travel back to my home for an hour, in all this time I was looking at places to act on my thoughts, I am trying to resist these all the time I am exhausted. I am purely living for my children as I do not want them to suffer and I know they love me I know they wouldn't want me to die, I know it's selfish, I am in agony, I need a break from my head constantly popping images thoughts into my head that I can do ......... Or ............ With whatever I see, be it building person or inanimate object it really doesn't matter, I put happy, joyful music on to drown out these thoughts but all in all I am planning my own death. I have lost all hope at the moment I feel alone in this world and I know I am not, I know my children need me and love me, I know my brother loves me dearly and they are having a new baby next year, my heart aches my body is in such deep pain I don't think it's ever got this bad before, I have attempted it before and failed but I know if I was to do what my head is saying it won't fail. It's not that I am going to do it I'm trying my very best to keep going hence I go to taekwondo and do volunteer work with the homeless, I feel so so ill at the moment but can't explain why, hospital isn't for me I've been detained before and it's not good. I have responsibilities out here and I can't let my son miss school because his mother can't cope with life. He's missed the first few weeks due to me being detained under the mental health act, but I got out and have him with me I love him dearly and my other ones but I am struggling big time, the thoughts to sh are high but I know this will achieve nothing so I abstain from that, I want to drink alcohol to block it all out but it will make things worse so I keep going I just don't know what to do anymore aghhhhhh
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi jell sorry your thoughts of suicide won't leave you be. If you talk to your gp and just explain to gp that you need some meds to help you Tell gp you don't want to die but the thoughts won't leave you alone and get on some antidepressants. If you are on them ask for them to be adjusted ok or changed Glad you are talking here with us Know you are not alone ok
     
  3. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    Yeah I'm on meds at the mo, mitazapine and Prozac, along with mood stabilisers quietiepine I would do anything to change my thoughts I see a psych dr on tues next week it's just getting so so bad I am constantly thinking of suicide even when I am talking with my kids about future plans, I'm scared because I want to be there for the children yet these thoughts and images aren't leaving I seriously have had enough and then I feel so guilty for feeling this way, my mum is planning a get together for my birthday and I just struggle to any sort of enthusiasm towards it, I'm finding it hard to just get through each individual day at the moment forget future things
     
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I can hear that you are a really good person. A caring and loving parent, for sure. Will you be sure to tell the pdoc about the thoughts that are so intrusive and difficult to drown out or make stop? I think its very important to let the pdoc know this so he or she can come up with the right prescriptions. Please be sure to let him or her clearly know how pervasive and invasive they are. And what they seem to want you to do. Which you do not want to do.

    This is a great community. i hope you will use it as a place you can come to get support on an ongoing basis. Medications are most important, as you know. Then hopefully you can get counseling. Then coming here to post, if you want. It really is a community of caring people. or thats what I think anyway :hug: for you.
     
  5. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    Thanx
    I have been speaking to people About these thoughts, they have got the crisis team involved for the weekend I'm trying so much
     
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thanks jell for posting. I have been thinking about you. I am relieved to hear that they are all taking this seriously. It means you are not in it alone. Please feel free to use this place as part of your lifeline. Some people do find it useful to post here while they are working with a team to hold on.
     
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