This may sound a bit off the wall as I'm not suicidal as in I'm planning on doing anything to myself but today has been a massive wake up call for me and I've been forced to acknowledge the fact I've been once again experiencing severely intrusive thoughts of a suicidal nature for almost 2 months. In many ways I feel like I should be proud that they've only been thoughts this time round and I haven't acted on them, but in other ways I feel like I've been slapped around the face with a wet fish as the enormity of the thoughts I've been having has really hit me during a lecture on suicide this evening. I suppose it's just a trigger, but right now it feels big and I know I've experienced so much trauma in my life my immediate inclination is to minimise it all and focus on what's good in my life as that's what I've had to do to get by. Tonight though, I don't know how I feel about it. Uncertain? Nonchalent? Ambivalent? I just know I don't want to feel right now. I want to sleep but I can't. I'm not in any immediate danger and that soothes me, but at the same time I'm aware my buttons have been pressed and I don't feel wholly safe. Probably not making much sense at all but that's just me right now.