Don't know where I'm going...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Ferret, Sep 17, 2013.

  1. Ferret

    Ferret Well-Known Member

    I can never remember a time when I was ever truly happy. For the most part if I ever looked happy I was faking it. I'm 29 now, and it saddens me to see all those years go by without ever knowing what it was like to really feel like a person who's here for a reason. I've been battling with depression since I was a kid. I would get verbally abused all through junior high and high school, and after coming home, often physically abused by my brothers. That led to shyness, and not wanting to work in groups at school. I always wanted to do things on my own, it was a lot better that way because I didn't have to try to prove that I was a useless person, which I was always told. Fast forward to 2013 and I have mild to severe anxiety, and really bad social anxiety. I often don't have the motivation to do anything, such as go to my pool league nights, or take my martial arts classes. I don't have a lot of friends either, and making them has been difficult. Some of the ones I trusted turned against me and that has hindered my ability to really trust anyone else. A lot of people know I'm depressed though, but don't try to help. It's hard to meet anyone in this town of 200,000, because there are no social events, no singles clubs. Just the bar scene and friend circles. I'm really lonely, and would love to go on a few dates, even if they didn't turn out to be anything but. I tried some dating sites but I don't know what expectations are set on there, so I end up being really disappointed about it in the end.

    This summer I backpacked across Europe. Nine countries and 13 cities in three weeks. A lot of people think that would be an amazing feat, but I don't think much about it. Some people have asked about the journey but for the most part, no one really cares and it's just awkward for me to mention anything about it. I also went to Colombia for a week, to Bogota, and stayed with a family there. Haven't really had any conversations about that either. Seems like I'm expected to listen to the things going on in everyone else's life, but no one is interested in me.

    I also scuba dive and have about 20 dives in so far. I've done some deep diving, visited various shipwrecks and have caught fish. I've met some like minded people that way, but at the end of the day I am on my own again. Most of those guys have their own families, and are in relationships and whatnot, so I can't relate.

    I've been drinking a lot throughout the summer and up until now. Almost every day, sometimes 6 bottles of beer a day or a small bottle of rum. I should probably get help with it, but I don't see much point. Sure I want to get better, but I'm not happy. I don't know what it would take to make me happy. I recently bought a house, thinking I could rent it to someone so that I wouldn't have to pay the full mortgage every month. That hasn't been so successful though, and now I wonder if I made a big mistake. The house needs some cosmetic work, and I'm trying to do some myself but it gets exhausting and I become unmotivated. There's no one around to help, or offering to help. None of my so called friends care, and why should they I guess.

    I've lost a few friends over the years, including a woman in Croatia, who I fell in love with but didn't really try to pursue anything with her. For a brief moment she was interested in me too back then, but she's married now and has a little boy. We got into a fight about my past interests with her and now she won't talk to me anymore. I guess I deserve it. I think about her a lot though, as it's just nice to know someone from another country, and I love Croatia. That's no more now, and I feel like a small part of me has died. Every day I think that I'm going to be alone all my life. Every year as I get older, it gets harder to meet people, especially women. Confidence is an issue but I think if there were more out there for me to meet I could overcome that somehow. A friend of mine met a girl from Colombia and they've been together ever since, and I envy him and think about something I could have started with my Croatian friend. His girlfriend wants me to meet someone down there. I'm sure it wouldn't be difficult, but I don't have the money or the energy to pursue something like that.

    So everyday I feel lonely, and everyday I drink. I feel lonely at work, and sometimes I leave work to drink. My anxiety is bad, and it's making me hate myself so much that I want to cut myself repeatedly. After all I feel like I deserve this pain.

    I know some people's lives are far worse than mine, but I'm struggling with a mental illness that makes me feel like my life is crap.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 17, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You said it hun struggling with a mental illness Depression is just that and with help you can beat it ok different meds newer ones therapy Until we do something different nothing will change right You have accomplished much really more then i would even think about doing hun but you do need help now to get out of that dark hole ok so talk to doc and get the help to get you moving forward again hugs
  3. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    I read your story. I understand. I understand your feelings.
  4. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    Ferret - you are depressed. Your feelings are natural. Many people are in the same situation as you are. I was in the same situation as you are.

    You are a great writer. Your writing is flawless which tells me that you are OK. Your writing is very good. You also are good at analyzing things. You are good. I am sure you will survive.

    We all face difficulties. We should learn to overcome them. Let us pray to God to give us strength to battle the problems we face.
  5. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    1 of my biggist fears in this life, is becoming nothing, and losing everything- i'm 25 now, and i'm seeing it happen before my very eyes... year, after year, after year...

    i do understand

    i also feel very bad because i've missed out on so much. i've been very ill since a very young age.. even had the end of my childhood spoilt because of that
  6. Ferret

    Ferret Well-Known Member

    I guess between chat and posting on this forum, there's not much advice that can be given to help me. These are real things I'm facing in my life, and I can't seem to overcome any of these obstacles. Meh, I guess life goes on.