I can never remember a time when I was ever truly happy. For the most part if I ever looked happy I was faking it. I'm 29 now, and it saddens me to see all those years go by without ever knowing what it was like to really feel like a person who's here for a reason. I've been battling with depression since I was a kid. I would get verbally abused all through junior high and high school, and after coming home, often physically abused by my brothers. That led to shyness, and not wanting to work in groups at school. I always wanted to do things on my own, it was a lot better that way because I didn't have to try to prove that I was a useless person, which I was always told. Fast forward to 2013 and I have mild to severe anxiety, and really bad social anxiety. I often don't have the motivation to do anything, such as go to my pool league nights, or take my martial arts classes. I don't have a lot of friends either, and making them has been difficult. Some of the ones I trusted turned against me and that has hindered my ability to really trust anyone else. A lot of people know I'm depressed though, but don't try to help. It's hard to meet anyone in this town of 200,000, because there are no social events, no singles clubs. Just the bar scene and friend circles. I'm really lonely, and would love to go on a few dates, even if they didn't turn out to be anything but. I tried some dating sites but I don't know what expectations are set on there, so I end up being really disappointed about it in the end. This summer I backpacked across Europe. Nine countries and 13 cities in three weeks. A lot of people think that would be an amazing feat, but I don't think much about it. Some people have asked about the journey but for the most part, no one really cares and it's just awkward for me to mention anything about it. I also went to Colombia for a week, to Bogota, and stayed with a family there. Haven't really had any conversations about that either. Seems like I'm expected to listen to the things going on in everyone else's life, but no one is interested in me. I also scuba dive and have about 20 dives in so far. I've done some deep diving, visited various shipwrecks and have caught fish. I've met some like minded people that way, but at the end of the day I am on my own again. Most of those guys have their own families, and are in relationships and whatnot, so I can't relate. I've been drinking a lot throughout the summer and up until now. Almost every day, sometimes 6 bottles of beer a day or a small bottle of rum. I should probably get help with it, but I don't see much point. Sure I want to get better, but I'm not happy. I don't know what it would take to make me happy. I recently bought a house, thinking I could rent it to someone so that I wouldn't have to pay the full mortgage every month. That hasn't been so successful though, and now I wonder if I made a big mistake. The house needs some cosmetic work, and I'm trying to do some myself but it gets exhausting and I become unmotivated. There's no one around to help, or offering to help. None of my so called friends care, and why should they I guess. I've lost a few friends over the years, including a woman in Croatia, who I fell in love with but didn't really try to pursue anything with her. For a brief moment she was interested in me too back then, but she's married now and has a little boy. We got into a fight about my past interests with her and now she won't talk to me anymore. I guess I deserve it. I think about her a lot though, as it's just nice to know someone from another country, and I love Croatia. That's no more now, and I feel like a small part of me has died. Every day I think that I'm going to be alone all my life. Every year as I get older, it gets harder to meet people, especially women. Confidence is an issue but I think if there were more out there for me to meet I could overcome that somehow. A friend of mine met a girl from Colombia and they've been together ever since, and I envy him and think about something I could have started with my Croatian friend. His girlfriend wants me to meet someone down there. I'm sure it wouldn't be difficult, but I don't have the money or the energy to pursue something like that. So everyday I feel lonely, and everyday I drink. I feel lonely at work, and sometimes I leave work to drink. My anxiety is bad, and it's making me hate myself so much that I want to cut myself repeatedly. After all I feel like I deserve this pain. I know some people's lives are far worse than mine, but I'm struggling with a mental illness that makes me feel like my life is crap.