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Don't know where to put this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Failure, Jun 2, 2015.

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  1. Failure

    Failure Well-Known Member

    Trigger warning - mention of suicide and self harm (no methods involved)

    A lot has happened in the past few weeks. It is too exhausting to even think about, so I will only write a few things. So I finally attempted suicide on the 31st of May. I wrote a note and sent messgaes to a couple of my friends telling them how they have helped me out so much throughout my life. I will not talk about methods for obvious reasons but I did not have to go to hospital and as far as I know, my friends and family do not know a thing about it. I saw my therapist yesterday and told her, and she said she would have to tell my doctor and I may be sent to a hospital to be put in the mental ward. I asked about missing out on school I and said something about the minimum days staying there is about 3 days, but she corrected me saying it was about a month or a few weeks. She said one of her clients recently went and it helped him a lot, although he is not fully recovered yet. I said that I would not refuse to go but I do not necessarily want to go.
    Then today my mother told me that she got a call from my therapist about me having an appointment next week with my doctor. (My therapist did not say anything about me being put on medication, by the way). My mum then proceeded to talk about how I do not need medication, that I can have it if I want but I will be numb and have no emotions and will turn into a "zombie", and threatened that if I do take them, we will not get our first dog until I am better. I explained to her that antidepressants do not obviously work properly if you feel numb and emotionless. But no, she told me that's how she felt and that's how I feel. We basically fought about my doctor having a degree in medicine so therefore she would know what to do, but then my mum yelling at me, etc etc.
    I also was made to promise to my therapist that I would not self harm until I saw her in a week, although I already felt the urge to do it an hour after I left her.
    It feels very strange to be alive now. When I woke up the day after my attempt, I felt very very strange. Like I was in a trance. Like I was not in control of my body. I felt like I was on autopilot, I did not even know what I was doing. I cannot do schoolwork or homework - I cannot concentrate at all. I feel numb. I feel like a failure. I failed my attempt. I am a failure. I feel like I do not deserve to live.

    Sorry, I just had to let that all out. I'm not sure who I can tell. I'm not sure I want to tell anyone. I'm not sure about anything really, sorry, I just needed to write this down somewhere.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear you and i am sorry you are suffering so much. Can you put a hold on your schooling for now go to the teachers and see what can be done so you do not lose your school year ok then that won't be a worry for you
    Listen to your therapist ok please i know your mother means well but medication is different now then what it used to be
    there are less side effects and if you were to become numb on meds then a lower dose is all that is needed

    I do hope you continue to talk to your therapist ok you deserve help and care hugs
  3. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    To have attempted suicide, I'm sorry that you went through that.
    First off, I'd like to say that you should be grateful that your attempt failed. In failing at dying, you succeeded at living, and now you have a chance to turn your life around.
    You might not feel happy about it yet, but I'm going to do my best to try to convince you to choose life- with reasons that work for me.

    As was subtly noted earlier, failure isn't always completely bad. You may fail at a lot of things in your life- everyone does, but you can usually get something out of a failure. You could learn that you're going about something in the wrong way, or you could learn your weaknesses (which are beneficial to know), or learn to not make the same mistake twice, etc. Accept that people make mistakes, and move forwards. Don't beat yourself up so much for being human.

    Don't let yourself dwell on the past. You're constantly changing, with every experience. The more time passes, the less you match the "you" that was in the past. Your past holds less weight the further away it gets. That person before, the one who made mistakes, is not you anymore. What's done is done, it cannot be changed, and there's no use worrying about it either. Just as revenge doesn't bring back the dead, dwelling on the past won't change events that have already occurred.

    There are things you enjoy and love in the world. It seems you enjoy music, and you've got friends you care about to an extent (I did go back to look at your older posts, to try to learn more about what you've been going through). And there are other things too, but you're forgetting about them. When you are going through depression, everything will seem like it's against you, and you will forget to look at the things that bring you happiness. A depressed person doesn't try to look for reasons to live, they look at every reason why they're suicidal.

    Also, you may find something in the world that you enjoy more than anything you've ever done/seen. As long as you keep experiencing new things, you're bound to find more about the world that you enjoy. Be open minded, try things you wouldn't normally try.

    A sunny day, a cool breeze, your favourite activity, a warm drink when you're chilly, a gift that someone made for you. There's a lot of comforting things in the world, and a lot of beauty. Sure it gets ugly at times too, but don't ignore the good parts. On a day where I was crying my eyes out, intent on killing myself before the morning, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful everything looked. Nature really is pretty, and it's something I felt I was going to miss.

    Of course, there's the fact that the world has unfathomable amounts of evil as well. The thing is, good things really wouldn't be "good" if bad things didn't exist. Only through knowing pain, could you appreciate happiness. The deeper a pain you experience, the sweeter a comforting moment feels. There's a balance to the world, and if you can accept that there's good things and bad things, and that they require each other to exist, then it's a good start to finding peace with the world.

    You don't know what the future has in store for you. It could be more pain, it could be overwhelming happiness. But what you do know, is that there's a chance that things can get better. Be hopeful, be optimistic, pull yourself through the tough times and it can be rewarding. You may even find yourself looking back at this one day, saying to yourself; "I can't believe I tried to kill myself back then.. I'd have never been able to experience this kind of happiness if I died". Death is simply losing your last shot at happiness. There may be an afterlife, there may be pure nothingness, but nobody knows for sure. Maybe you might feel like ceasing to exist would be easier for you, but if you just stay strong, you might really be able to experience a heck of a good life. I feel like your suicide attempt might've failed because you still had a bit of hope left in you. Don't ignore that hope, let it motivate you.

    There's also all the negative effects your death will have on everyone that's ever cared about you. You'll hurt them, a LOT. Your parents may seem really mean, but a lot of the time they just mean the best for you. There's your friends too, and even ex-friends could be hurt badly. People are fragile, I'm sure you know this better than most.

    About the anti-depressants, I myself was always scared of them. I felt like taking them might change me, might make me feel like I'm no longer the one in control of my own emotions. I also felt like it would change me into a person with a weaker will, less able to bring myself out of tough times on my own, becoming more and more dependent on the medication. And then there's the fact that they can react badly with some people and have bad side effects. Now I'm not saying you should absolutely not take antidepressants, but I just wanted to help you see your mom's side of things at least. Do what you feel is best for you, and always try to look at things from both sides before you make any decision on anything in life.

    I hope that you can find a reason to live on, even if you didn't get it out of anything I said. Best of luck, don't give up.
  4. Failure

    Failure Well-Known Member

    Thank you so so much GreySilence. Thanks for taking so much time out of your day/night to try to help me. Thank you so much.
  5. Travsmate

    Travsmate Member

    What I would of said was in Greysilence' post and it was all well said.

    Everyone starts as a Failure, Everyone succeeds at something they can be positive about.

    I wish you all the well-being in the world
  6. Failure

    Failure Well-Known Member

    So today my mother has "finally snapped" and was yelling at everyone. She told me I am faking my depression and that she's had enough of me. I don't know if she will let me see my doctor next week. I can't believe she would say that. She has said it many times to me, even though she was depressed herself a few years ago. She blamed everyone today, like she always does, for her problems and told me that I should apologise for being so rude to her. I hate it here. There's nowhere I can go - I can't live with my dad because he lives with my abusive stepmother, although it would be better than my mum's abuse. My grandparents are always away and I hate my mother's family. I don't know what to do. My voice in my head tells me that I am faking my depression. But I have felt like this for years - how could someone go through faking it for that long?!
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Your mother may not want to believe you have depression because a part of her is blaming herself, such as ''how could my son/daughter suffer with depression, it MUST be my fault''. That's the only reason I can think of for her to say what she said. I don't believe you are faking your depression, I think she may be finding it too hard to come to terms with. I am glad you are here and talking to us about it. Maybe in future try and keep her out of the loop regarding your appointments etc... and I really am glad your suicide attempt did not go as you had planned it because always keep in mind that depression is treatable and you can beat this. Good luck to you!
  8. Starting Over

    Starting Over Active Member

    Attempting suicide, or even just truly coming to terms with ending your life can be very traumatic in and of itself. I too remember feeling in a trance afterwards for a very long time. But it does slowly fade over time. Life will get better.
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