Trigger warning - mention of suicide and self harm (no methods involved) A lot has happened in the past few weeks. It is too exhausting to even think about, so I will only write a few things. So I finally attempted suicide on the 31st of May. I wrote a note and sent messgaes to a couple of my friends telling them how they have helped me out so much throughout my life. I will not talk about methods for obvious reasons but I did not have to go to hospital and as far as I know, my friends and family do not know a thing about it. I saw my therapist yesterday and told her, and she said she would have to tell my doctor and I may be sent to a hospital to be put in the mental ward. I asked about missing out on school I and said something about the minimum days staying there is about 3 days, but she corrected me saying it was about a month or a few weeks. She said one of her clients recently went and it helped him a lot, although he is not fully recovered yet. I said that I would not refuse to go but I do not necessarily want to go. Then today my mother told me that she got a call from my therapist about me having an appointment next week with my doctor. (My therapist did not say anything about me being put on medication, by the way). My mum then proceeded to talk about how I do not need medication, that I can have it if I want but I will be numb and have no emotions and will turn into a "zombie", and threatened that if I do take them, we will not get our first dog until I am better. I explained to her that antidepressants do not obviously work properly if you feel numb and emotionless. But no, she told me that's how she felt and that's how I feel. We basically fought about my doctor having a degree in medicine so therefore she would know what to do, but then my mum yelling at me, etc etc. I also was made to promise to my therapist that I would not self harm until I saw her in a week, although I already felt the urge to do it an hour after I left her. It feels very strange to be alive now. When I woke up the day after my attempt, I felt very very strange. Like I was in a trance. Like I was not in control of my body. I felt like I was on autopilot, I did not even know what I was doing. I cannot do schoolwork or homework - I cannot concentrate at all. I feel numb. I feel like a failure. I failed my attempt. I am a failure. I feel like I do not deserve to live. Sorry, I just had to let that all out. I'm not sure who I can tell. I'm not sure I want to tell anyone. I'm not sure about anything really, sorry, I just needed to write this down somewhere.