Dont know where to turn

[sakuragirl]

Tonight I've been crying so much I threw up and I'm at a point where I have a choice of three directions and I don't know where to turn. I am leaning towards the first one which is to just call it quits, no details but I have a plan, the means and a time frame if I choose that options. The second option is to continue as I have been which is to be the good girl, do as I am told, make everyone else happy and to lock away my feelings and stop having them. The third is to have the things that hurt me and explain them to make them change, I really don't like this as I started to try and tell this to one person that hurt me and I ended up hurting them worse than the pain I was feeling which makes me feel as if my feelings are not important.

I am hurting so bad that I want to cut the pain out of me and cut each breath away, I don't want this pain anymore, I really want it to end but I don't want to hurt anyone else. As I am typing this the tears won't stop and I feel as if I am being bad just saying something. I feel trapped in my situation and as if the key has been thrown away. Theres no light at the end of the tunnel, no heaven or hell just nothingness and right now that sounds really good to me.

However I'm trying to take a few minutes to think about my actions and not do anything yet as my plan won't fail so I need to be absolute in this and the confusion is not helping as I sometimes stop and wonder can it get better? Is there hope for me? I know that I am rambling and I am sorry for that, why cant life be easier and why cant I find true happiness? Again my apologies.

 

[Stranger1]

Hello sakuragirl,
Am I wrong but don't you have a therapist and a doctor? Therapy is where it is at. They can lead you to the wright path. It sounds like your family doesn't have a clue!! Is there a reason you haven't dicussed this with them?
You really need all the support you can get! We are here for you,but there is only so much we can do to help you. Thats why I suggest the therapist. I sat my family down and let them know how I was feeling. They all took it alot better than I thought they would. There are sinical members who have told me that I am a dumb ass for being the way I am. They even went as far as telling me they would not attend my funeral. I am suppose to be strong and put all this behind me... It only gravitates more to the commiting side of things. This way I don't have to deal with them.
Take Care sakuragirl, and remember we are hear for you!!!

 

[sakuragirl]

I canceled my therapist, it just seemed as if she wanted to take everything down a path I was uncomfortable with. I talked to my doc and they said to get me a little more stable first might help me so they want me to take my meds for a period of time first. As far as my family goes I really dont want to burden them with anything

 

[jamie20m]

Pain and bad situations never last forever. As had as it is to beleive, they do pass. All humans experience pain and hurt at one point or another. Its just part of life. But if you ever feel you cant hold on, seek out help and support.

 

[GreenChick]

Hey Sakura....

I am struggling too. But I really want you to be ok. I know it hurts. I know. I know.

Honey, let's get through this together. Take your meds. They really do help. I have had really long stretches of good times on meds, times when I was glad I didn't commit suicide. There were so many times when I thought I would NEVER feel joy again- but then I did.

For some people, they get on the right medicine and never feel depression again. For others its a lifelong struggle to keep changing the meds when things get bad. But either way, meds help. Give 'em time.

C'mon kid. Don't quit on me and I won't quit on you. Ok?

 

[middleofnowhere]

May I add that people who combine meds with therapy have an 80-90% success rate. Meds do sometimes take a long time to do their work.

Something that has helped me when it comes to talking things through is writing a letter to the person who is causing pain. Be totally honest about your feelings and thoughts. When you finish, you can choose to mail it or keep it somewhere or tear it up. Sometimes, just the act of putting things down on paper is all you need. It's helped me a number of times, mostly with family and one close friend.

 

[sakuragirl]

Middle, I really liked the idea of writing the letter, however I would get to the second line and worry about what if I hurt them. I see myself as bad and evil after all its the only reason things would have happened to me after all sometimes I wonder whether bad things can happen to good people.

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

Don't it end. You should express yourself instead of repressing it. The more you do this, the more harmful this will be to your well being. In circumstances like this, you have to put yourself first.
What exactly is the problem.

 

[effervescentpsyche]

i canclled my doctors too...they annoyed me so bad...and the meds made me feel worse and when I told them they were just like higher dosage...which I swear made me more depressed...but if it's different for you then you should go...maybe they will help....I just had bad xp with doctors.