Tonight I've been crying so much I threw up and I'm at a point where I have a choice of three directions and I don't know where to turn. I am leaning towards the first one which is to just call it quits, no details but I have a plan, the means and a time frame if I choose that options. The second option is to continue as I have been which is to be the good girl, do as I am told, make everyone else happy and to lock away my feelings and stop having them. The third is to have the things that hurt me and explain them to make them change, I really don't like this as I started to try and tell this to one person that hurt me and I ended up hurting them worse than the pain I was feeling which makes me feel as if my feelings are not important. I am hurting so bad that I want to cut the pain out of me and cut each breath away, I don't want this pain anymore, I really want it to end but I don't want to hurt anyone else. As I am typing this the tears won't stop and I feel as if I am being bad just saying something. I feel trapped in my situation and as if the key has been thrown away. Theres no light at the end of the tunnel, no heaven or hell just nothingness and right now that sounds really good to me. However I'm trying to take a few minutes to think about my actions and not do anything yet as my plan won't fail so I need to be absolute in this and the confusion is not helping as I sometimes stop and wonder can it get better? Is there hope for me? I know that I am rambling and I am sorry for that, why cant life be easier and why cant I find true happiness? Again my apologies.