dont know why im this way, just gona put it out there

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by seeplus, Jul 14, 2015.

  1. seeplus

    seeplus New Member

    All my life I`ve felt really...different. I had a teacher in kindergarten that said that I would just stand and watch the class until I was told to have a seat. I wasn`t loud, I could talk to people but I have always felt very shy. I`m starting to think I`m autistic. I started getting wierd compulsive sexual urges in first and second grade... I didn`t know they were sexual. I knew I shouldnt be doing them, but I didn`t really understand just how wierd it was... I would rub up against things at recess and I obviously got made fun of. Looking back I don1t know what posessed me to be so fucking wierd, but I just was.
    I was shy, uncoordinated, awkward, and always seemed to be the follower. I have always felt like that was my role for some reason. If were were playing super heros, I was robin. Maybe a lack of self confidence? I don`t know but I`ve always been weird. I wasn`t molested. I didn`t even have a bad upbringing in the slightest. But I`ve always been off.
    I remember one time I was sitting at my desk and just zoning out spitting on the floor trying to hit a spot completely in my own little world. The teacher asked if I was okay and I said yes....but obviously there was something wrong with me...When I got into middle school, I had quit the public displays of how off I was and just wanted to be a normal kid. This didn't work as I ended up getting picked on and Bullied. It didn't help that I was one of about 6 or 7 white kids at a predominantly mexican school. I got punched and laughed at every day of seventh grade after one guy started pushing me around. I beccame the target. Him and his friends were usually the agressors but the whole class would laugh... I wanted to die..
    I was too ashamed to tell my parents what a loser I was. How could I? They were both pretty normal. Both college educated nice white collar jobs. And then there was me. What the fuck happened??? So I continued with the hellish nightmare until I couldnt focus on my schoolwork anymore and my grades dropped from As to Fs. Finally my parents pulled me out a couple months before graduating 8th grade to homeschool me the rest of the year.
    Freshman year I had a girl come up to me and say she thought I was "hot". I honestly thought she was trying to mess with me. But she really did. She kissed me and walked away. I ended up dating her on and off though highschool, and got what you could call "friends", if youre using the term loosely. We would smoke weed together at least. But me being the wierd one in every situation that I am had to be the one who couldnt handle it. Sensory overload to the max. Panic attacks everytime almost, huge anxiety and depersonalization. It really messed with my head. I couldnt tell my "friends" though of course, becuase if I lost this group I would be ostricized again and picked on once again. So I tried to be a stoner. But everytime I would freak out. I learned to just sit there and internally freak out so people wouldnt notice. At least until you asked me a question or said something to me and I ethier stared blankly at you or would stutter out an answer as I was freaking out quietly in my own mind.
    Eventually I went on vacation with my family and found that these guys had robbed my house. Bug surprise. At this point I was no longer feeling in danger, so I just stopped hanging out with them. Stopped smoking weed altogether. But the depersonalization stayed. And I started hallucinating subtly, my eyes wouldnt focus, I saw different coulered afterimages.
    I looked it up on the internet and self diagnosed it as HPPD. hallucination persisting perceptive disorder or something to that effect. It went away eventually, but it took over a year. But my anxiety was sky high.
    I was feeling out of place. Until I met a friend. One whos grampa had oxycodone that he gave this kid to sell. He didnt know drug users, but I did so i started selling. and taking them everyday. And I fell in love. Opiates took away my anxiety, they took away my depression and my fear and my awkwardness!! Until they led me to heroin. And jail. And rehab. And rehab. And rehab. Over and over again like an endless cycle of pretending to want my "life" back, to getting out and getting high at the first opportunity. Ive been to rehab 8 times now at 23.
    The last rehab I went to helped me stay clean for the better part of two years. And I was feeling better. I was taking gabapentin as well for anxiety, and was working, going to college, and met an amazing girl.
    I told this girl about my addiction, about being bullied briefly, about a pregnancy scare that I had in a co ed rehab. ... And she still stayed around. Even after I had a brief relapse and went to rehab again. she was still there. And thats where I am now. But I feel myself slipping. Shes going to find out that I`m so weird. Shell hate me. Shes successful in school and in work and is just a lovable person all around. But I am scared. I can feel my mind slipping. The anxiety coming back. Depersonalization is setting in. Depression is rearing its ugly head with a vengance and I and bedridden with hopelessness. I tried to tell her everything, but she is becoming more aware tthat there is something wrong. I lost my job because my mind was slipping, no attention span, emotionally disturbed, everything was going wrong. I dont know what to do. I am a christian. I believe in God. But why would God want to help a sexally compulsive, negative minded downer like me? It dosnt make sense...... I dont know what to do. Maybe I should join the military so I could have a chance to die with some sort of dignity. But what If I just came back with PTSD to add to the list of things that are wrong with me? Im just feeling like maybe the world would really be better off without me..Alot of this i have never said to anyone especially about the wierd things I did as child. And theres plenty more, but this is getting long and if anyone has ready to this point I give you respect.'
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say i read your post. I am sorry you had such a hard life growing up. You said you self diagnosed have you ever got a proper diagnoses from a psychiatrist. There are so many variables that one just cannot diagnose themselves correctly only a specialist can do that. Anyway You are now doing positive things to help yourself good for you for fighting your addictions and getting support in place to help you. You cannot compare yourself to others ok everyone has a burden to carry some hide it better then others YOU need to only focus on YOU and get on the right medication to help you with your anxiety and depression. Keep reaching out here and talk to your medical team so you don't slip further downwards ok.