well... this is my first reply and my first post... I've been feeling a bit like you (and a bit like most of the people here) but just thinking that someone else has our same feelings, it cheers us up, isn't it? anyway, I just want to say a few things. I also feel down, but I switch from moments in which I would die to others in which everything seems just fine. It could be just a night out with some friends... don't know why. some day I think where I'll be in 10 years, if I will succeed in doing the things I like or I'll become a sort of rejected idealist.
I daydream a lot, on the future, on what it could be, on what it could have been if... and yes, I have thought about suicide. The reasons I think are more or less the same, I feel lonely (even when I'm at parties or with my friends) I have nobody I can love, and even if I'm quite smart, I just got a degree from college, I can do a lot of things, I can't see a bright future. When I think of my future, I see it full of achievements... but then I think, "that's all crap, you'll be stuck here for the rest of your life, you'll die alone without love or friends". I also searched for the most painless ways to end it all, but I presume without real intent... and I never felt guilty for what I was thinking. I didn't give a damn thing of what my friends or parents could have thought if they found me dead, couse nobody really understood me, I think. Yes I know, it may sound trite, but it's true. Now back to what you wrote, my friend. I share most of what you say, especially when you say you're an idealist. I have red something called "suicide apology" some time ago about suicide that changed my opinion about it. I used to think suicide was for weak people, who cannot fight and things like this. But then I've red that the thougth of suicide is a sort of vocation, a way of facing the life with a sure, quick exit by your side. Living with the death by your side lets you enjoy more the little victories of life, much more than the people who say to love life, when they only have fear to die. Who is ready to die has a clear consience, has no fear of the judgment of God. And all those morons call a suicidal a depressed, without knowing that who wants to suicide himself love life much more than they do, they can't stand a half life, a stomped, maimed life. Who wants to suicide wants all or nothing. The wish to die is an extreme statement of the desire to live a full and gratifying life, even if we know that doctors and friend will pigeonhole the suicidal action as a "moment of weakness or depression". to kill oneself is a difficult action to do, especially for those who have always respected life.
so, my friend, i can't tell you how take back control over your life, for i don't know how to do with mine, but, i can tell you, try to see life again as you used to, try to see that there is no life but a joyfull one, take strenght from the fact that your love for life is much bigger than many many others, and if you don't accept life as it is, try to change it a bit. Thinking about suicide has done a beneficent effect for me, now I'm a bit more confident.
cheers
