=( Don't know

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sa Palomera, Apr 17, 2007.

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  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I barely ever post in this section... I'm not sure if this is the right section even. But I just...

    I feel like I should have died when I attempted. It's wrong that I'm still here. It's wrong that I still take up on people's time.
    People keep telling me I'm not a bother and that they care and are always there for me and I really do appreciate it. I really do.
    But it's just... it's not making me feel any better. More like worse cos I worry them. :sad:

    it's so double-sided :sad:
    I keep reaching out for support because I feel so low, but then when people offer me support I feel so guilty, no matter what they say.
    I feel like a burden.

    And in this whole thread I managed to blab about how I feel yet not about my feelings, if that makes any sense.

    I'm so lost... :sad: What's the point ? :sad:
  2. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I'm not going to be much help right now as I'm sure you understand but I care about you and I hope you feel better soon :hug: x
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    You sound a lot like me.

    In a way you are grieving for something that you think you should have had, but have now lost (i.e. the consequences of the suicide attempt, etc).

    But you have also gained a lot that you would not have had too. You have gained the chance for hope, a future, help, etc.

    Try to remind yourself that you are worth support and help. If you find that difficlt with people you know, maybe try crisis lines, or e-mail the samaritans or something like that. It's more anonymous and you don't have to worry about others.

    I could tell you that you are worth it, you don't need to geel guilty, etc, but that won't do anything unless you believe it yourself. Infact it might have a negative impact because you might come up with some irrational reasons, but reasons you believe, why those things are true.

    You need to try and find a way for you to believe that you are worth helping, you dont need to worry about asking for support, etc.

    Hang in there and look after yourself.
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hunni, how many times do i have to tell you that you don't bother me. Would i lie to you?

    You not a waste of mine or anyones times. If we talk to you its because we care. Your not a burden. I feel like that with you sometimes and what do you tell me? that im not right? same goes for you. I'm glad you asked me to stay on skype with u last night.

    I'm here if u wanna talk :hug:
  5. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    i think "scum" might be right. I dont know. WHen people tell me I'm not a burden I feel even worse, because I feel they say it cos they don't want to hurt me, even if part of me KNOWS that's not the case.

    I'm so lost. :blub:
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    So try and find a way to believe that you are worth helping. Find a way to get some self belief.

    I wish I could suggest something, but I don't know.

    Therapy? Self esteem building?
  7. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug:
  8. run4fun

    run4fun Well-Known Member

    hey, i was in europe for a while. is the netherlands pretty scenery. i hope you will feel better. i believe my physics teacher was from netherlands, genius. he was dutch. he went back home.
  9. run4fun

    run4fun Well-Known Member

    my brother felt enormous guilt of burden before his death. it was a delusional confusion. my mother cries when she talks about his delusion even 13 years after the suicide. you gotta realize that being a psychological burden to people is not as bad as other things.
  10. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Skype me if u wanna talk hun, im here even if u don't wanna talk and have me jst 'be there' like last night :hug:
  11. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I'm struggling so hard. It's all so overwhelming. I have some good things in my life; the best girlfriend I could wish for, the place I live is absolutely the best place ever and things are looking up for me work-wise. But still...
    It's like eversince things went up, my emotions went down, if that makes sense.

    I miss my Mother more and more every day and it's getting really hard to cope now and I don't know how to 'solve' it, because whatever I do, it won't bring her back. I miss S----- still so much..
    Not to even mention the whole bullcrap with my Dad and his wife.

    I'm so sick of it. And it's getting harder and harder to cope with it. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of bothering everyone with my feelings, but this site is the only site where I can sort of get it off my chest.

    I'm so lost, hurt, having trouble coping. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this struggle. In fact I've already lost the plot in my head. I'm going insane, literally.

    Help me :cry:
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 18, 2007
  12. run4fun

    run4fun Well-Known Member

    my father spent his whole life making money with restaurants and practically no family life or hobbies. he has money he doesn't even know how to spend. he just goes to work everyday depressed. i personally would like to move away from the family and pursue my own interests. but he's so narrow minded, he makes einstein look like a flake. life, i guess, is a balance. you have to stay well rounded. analogy, even healthy foods can be poison, if you eat too much of one.
  13. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    it's back again. So difficult to see the point. So hard to see anything besides death. The word suicide keeps popping up in my head. It just keeps popping up.

    How much I just want to be with my mother, how much I have to tell her, how much I want to see her and S-----. How much I deserve to die.

  14. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    hunni, all i can say is u know where i am xxxxxxxx

  15. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I know how difficult all this is for you. I know you wish your mother would have been here to see you grow up and to share so many things with you. You can talk to her even if she is not physically present. I miss my father every day. I go to a quiet place and tell him what I am feeling. My joys, my fears, my sorrows, and yes even the thoughts of taking my life. I have probably shared more with him now than I ever did while he was living. I know it isn't the same thing , but you can talk to her and tell her things you could tell no one else. We are here to help you through hun. I am not your mother, nor could I ever come close, but I am willing to listen. Please take care hun. I am here for you. :hug:
  16. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

  17. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    darling :sad:

    Please stay strong. If u wanna talk then u know where i am.
  18. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Hi Ishy :) I know you're going through a lot right now...I lost a parent as well, and then the other went bonkers and I just had so much rage in me...In my experience, at first I was numb. Then we sort of banded together for support. That was o.k. for a couple of months...but then, we started to grieve differently. While I just wanted to hold on to the past, my Mom felt that she had to move on (and by move on, I mean literally, to a different freaking state). I stayed behind, a juvenile with no home, to try and hang on to the home and friends I loved. Our grief first brought us together, then tore us apart. At that point, my grief became extreme. I abused myself, my friends, my boyfriend (now husband). I was at rock bottom. Then, I started unknowingly crawling out of that hole. The pain got better...I could think of my Dad and smile. I could talk to my Mom again. I was freed from the shackles of grief and moved into a new and BETTER phase in my life. My grief used to hit me in WAVES...and now, I can honestly say I am happy, and that I have more than I really deserve. Try to hold on through this very difficult time, and know that there is hope.
  19. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    That's a very motivational story, peanut, thank you.

    it hits me in waves too, it's just gotten extreme since New Year, and I dunno why... :sad:

    I just.. its really hard to keep that hope. In october it'll be 19years since she died and still... I don't understand it. It just really hurts too much. I can't do it anymore.

    It just keeps popping up in my head. :cry:
  20. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    19 years and the wound seems so fresh with you...I am so sorry for your pain. You can never tell what is going to trigger you and you feel suddenly like it was only yesterday when your world came crashing down around your ears. I try to think of the good times, and let those be the thoughts that come to mind when I think of my Dad. Sometimes I wallow and fantasize about what my life would be like if he were still here. I have little conversations with him in my mind...and how much I would have liked to know him as an adult instead of just an angsty teenager...what an interesting time we would have :) I still feel that he can see me, and I try to make him proud, and I ask him to take care of me and protect me. You can get through this...no-one can tell you how to grieve or how long it should take. Grief has to run its course, but hopefully, you will heal.

    Although, if he were still here for me, my life would not be the same...I would not be the same, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. But I cannot say that I have not grown. For example, my ability for empathy has grown astronomically, which of course, is a good thing. Such a sacrifice to make...but I think I am a better person.

    I'm rambling here, but I do hope that you can fight through this and come out stronger on the other side. :hug:
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