i wasn't going to post here & don't know what to say or where to begin... haven't even posted an introduction or much of anything yet and feel guilty posting off right away like this... i just feel the darkness engulfing right now, the depression is becoming too much, and there's other issues and things that are overwhelming & i don't know what to do. i try so hard, it doesn't look like i do but i try so hard, even though i know on the outside it must amount to looking like nothing... because nothing helps. i can't get to help in a lot of ways right now, in terms of practicalities a lot of things aren't options. i'm avoiding as much as i can, avoiding the problems as much as i can but it's useless and it doesn't work anymore. self destructive things work but i try so hard not to do those things. and i'm tired. and i'm probably horrible for even complaining or doing this or saying anything. i feel like i should delete this as soon as it's posted.... and i'm afraid i sound like a whiner without going into any other details, i just don't know where to even start and still feel uncomfortable to say much, i'm not used to the forums... i'm sorry.