Don't make me think of a title

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Øyvind, Jun 8, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Øyvind

    Øyvind Senior Member

    There is just no place for me. no place where things meet the minimum criteria for what I need to survive. The world I need.
    I can't make the rules for human society, and excuse the narcisism but the existing rules are crazy and I can't accept this world.
    It's all over.
    No one can be trusted. I can't trust anyone. I can't belong with anyone or anyplace or any anything.
    There is no comfort, any illusion of it is crushed pretty damn quick, I can tell ya. I don't need a perfect life, I don't need a perfect world. I just need a life where things are up and down normally, where there is entertainment and fun and social activity that is for me. That isn't against me.

    If I can find a method, if I can find a way to die that I can trust, I will fucking do it. Cause there is no more masquarade, my future is clear to me now, there is no place that can adapt to me and there are no societies where I can belong and where people are the way I am. And I am! This is in my soul, it has always been me. I will never be able to live any kind of life anywhere, I will always be alone and hurt by the things people do and say, I will be sitting behind computer screens my entire life. Always the outcast. Always a victim of this world.
    And yes, I fucking am a victim. This could all have been different.
    Where do I belong? Where will I ever belong? I am not going to change. Not for anyone and not for anything. So where will I ever belong?
    Read my novel of a diary and tell me where I will ever be among peers! Tell me I am not alone!
    I just want to feel at home, but nowhere is home. You humans are one rough bunch.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 8, 2014
  2. Clementine

    Clementine Well-Known Member

    :thanksgiving037: Hang in there, you deserve to be happy! :hug2:
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Yes, the world is a crazy, horrid place full of things that shouldn't be. But we don't have to allow it to plunge us into despair, cynicism or vengeance for not being how it should.

    If you're looking for hope, Oyvind, there is another way apart from the ending of one's own life, if you want to take it. But first of all, we have to become persuaded that it exists, and sometimes this can be a big ask. We still have a choice to investigate and search for the insights that we've been missing that can shed a new perspective on our situation - instead of saying 'Never' we can start by saying 'Perhaps"...... in the end, it comes back down to the 'power of the belief'. I am afraid that's how it is, bottom line, I didn't make the rules of life, but that's the bottom line as far as human interactions and society is concerned e.g Brevik's manifesto - his beliefs (extreme) resulted in his extreme actions. If we want to start life over with a new internal compass, it can be done - I know it can, or I wouldn't be here after I'd reached the point of giving up. Yes, it's a struggle to climb up again from the bottom, but sometimes the pressure that we feel under can actually be used to strengthen our resolve not to let the injustice and inhumanity of the world take our life away. Your future won't be the same as your past, once you have insights you didn't have in the past :)
  4. nessa456

    nessa456 Active Member

    I have Aspergers so I know exactly what you mean about not fitting in. I often feel like giving up and need to be on anti-depressants to cope with people/life. I tend to want things to be just as I want them or I don't want to bother at all ie I'm too perfectionist. I know that some things going well some of the time, despite the bad things that happen, is what I should be aiming for rather than everything always going well as that is just not realistic. We have a right to belong and feel happy so try to focus on that and dismiss the negative stuff as once it's happened it should be forgotten - ruminating on it makes it worse. You can pm me if you ever need to talk.
    3 people like this.
  5. Øyvind

    Øyvind Senior Member

    I was diagnosed with Asberger when I was 14, nessa. They changed it to Schizoid Personality Disorder when I was 17. I think they should change it again to Avoidant Personality Disorder. But that's another matter.

    Thank you guys. I appreciate you trying. It's just that not much of it applies to my situation. The fact of the matter is I can't be comfortable with other people because of the way they are and the way I am. I know of only one other person nearly like me, an internet friend on another continent, who also does not fit in. There is no society, no place to live a life in. No insights I may have gotten in my life can change that.

    Perhaps what? That is the question. I know what the problem is and I know there is no perhaps in it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 9, 2014
  6. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi Oyvind, I know you did not get a chance to know me well and we did not talk very much... but from the little I did get to talk to you, I think you seem like a good person... just that you, like many of the rest of us here, got dealt a bad hand of cards for "the game of life" and now you're stuck trying to figure out what to do with them. I remember your situation well... there are places in the world, even within this country that accept the type of life you lead... but, it does entail moving. Is that something you are open to? My mantra of "it is what it is" has been adopted only after 20 or more years of trying to change the way OTHERS react to me, or treat me, or behave around me... rather than acknowledging the fact "i cannot change anyone else, or their perceptions or beliefs, or their environments, etc... but i can change all those things as they pertain to me IF i CHOOSE to do so... and i WILL do that IF it will somehow alleviate or cure my problem i feel i am having with others" ... so now, anything involving "others" or other factors beyond my control.. just.. "is what it is" ... in your case... your environment and the ppl in it .. "are what they are" BUT you have the CHOICE to pick a new environment that comes already equipped with new people in it, you only have to socialize within it to make new friends and etc. You then would have the choice to completely cut your family from your social life, keep them but let them have limited information only, or just accept them for what they are and not try to change them but not allow them to further hurt you either... that, is your CHOICE. Back to step 1 tho... can you, or are you willing to... move... to san fran,calif or asheville, nc or other community that already open accepts that lifestyle. Now, by choosing the term "lifestyle" I am not implying you somehow chose to be this way, or etc.. I am simply saying not everyone else is this way, therefore its a different categorization for the method of living. Also, I am not asking about your financial status.. b/c I already know how that was unless it has changed since last we spoke.. when I ask "can you or are you willing to", I am meaning is it something you can "face" doing, and not get emotionally upset by it? If you can do that, then let me know, I'll help you try to figure out a way to save up enough money to move or get moved with what you have... and find you options on the different places you can move to. In short, people are AFRAID of those things that they either do not understand or that are different from themselves... in your case, many people both do not understand AND it is different.. so their reaction of hatred and cruelty is spawned from fear. That doesn't make it right by any means.... just lets you know its THEM that has the problem, not you... and until they are willing to allow you to try to help them squelch that fear, there is nothing you can do for them... thus, "it is what it is" ... and you need to worry about you, not let them crush you... but instead... get out there and flourish!! Take care and be safe.
  7. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    i do not know anything about Norway so cant give you any ideas for where to move there off the bat atm.. but, i can always do research if you are open to the possibility of finding a better place within your own nation.
  8. Juliet Ca.

    Juliet Ca. New Member

    I hear what you're saying about not simply fitting in, but also not feeling like you can't find the atmosphere you need to survive here. Message me if you ever need to talk. I don't have Asperger's, but I have my own mental defect(s) that negatively affect my ability to deal with life. It. Hurts. It hurts so much and when we reach this point, if nothing else before we actually take the proverbial plunge, we just need our want someone to manage to tether us back to the ground and show us how to hold onto that tether. Not so of us on the forum can tether you, but many of us can hold your hand while we float together! Maybe the extra weight will bring us all back down to earth.
    3 people like this.
  9. Øyvind

    Øyvind Senior Member

    Dawn thank you for taking the time to write so much and to make such an effort. I do wonder though if you don't have me confused with another member, someone gay or trans perhaps. But thank you again and I will tell the member I thought of to have a look at what you wrote there, I'm sure it will be appreciated.
  10. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    ok, and yes i think you're right.. i got you confused... but i do hope your situation improves... and i still feel overall the same, maybe i just don't have the solutions
  11. nessa456

    nessa456 Active Member

    I was given a paranoid and avoidant personality disorder diagnosis several years after the Asperger's diagnosis at age 34. I would say it's more society's attitude towards people with Aspergers/differences that causes the problems - I think most people would react badly to being disrespected, ignored and ostracised on a regular basis.

    I've often fantasised about living with my partner in a remote area by the sea, with the only contact with other people being when we stocked up on food or saw the Dr. I know that this wouldn't solve my problems though and would probably result in me going mad. Regardless of the fact that I find interaction with most other people very hard, I know that the human brain needs a variety of social interactions on a regular basis to remain healthy. I have a minimum of social interaction as it is, which causes me to always be at risk of depression and having to rely on anti-depressants to prevent it, so isolating myself even more would put my mental health even more at risk.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 9, 2014
    3 people like this.
  12. Øyvind

    Øyvind Senior Member

    Indeed, I don't see how anyone in my situation would act any different. But then I don't see how I would act the same as other people in their situation. So I truly am a different species.

    I relate. I think of leaving everything too. I don't have a partner so I would be completely alone. Would like someplace with lots of nature, like Estes Park in the US. Norway isn't lacking in mountains and forrests etc, but I'm sick to death of everything about this country. The problem is I crave friendship and other people, although the people in this world can't fill that hole. I would be even more alone than now. Both a good thing and a bad thing, I guess.
  13. nessa456

    nessa456 Active Member

    It's easy to think we are alone in how we think and act but you'd be surprised by how many people will be on your wavelength - it's just a matter of finding them

    You have friends on this forum so please don't think you are alone

    My main social contacts are with people online

    I think coping with life is all about self-discipline - having some kind of regular routine that ensures the various needs are met

    I have great problems with motivation and can easily stay online all day but I am trying to do more practical things like housework, shopping and going for walks on a regular basis

    I have to push through my fear barriers as my natural inclination is to avoid people as I see them as an unknown quantity that often causes me pain but I know that if I do go out I will feel more satisfied with myself - as if I have achieved something
    3 people like this.
  14. Øyvind

    Øyvind Senior Member

    Thanks for that and the other things to. It's just finding them isn't very easy. If you know of any websites for people on my wavelength, or actual places on earth with large concentrations of them, please let me know. Would also like to escape into books and movies and tv series, but all entertainment these days is the same. They're all filled with sex scenes and promiscuous party-people as the protagonists that they expect me to relate to and sympathize with.
    I don't want to keep bumping this thread up when there are others that need help, I just needed to say this.
  15. nessa456

    nessa456 Active Member

    You could try the Wrong Planet website
  16. Øyvind

    Øyvind Senior Member

    Thank you for the suggestion, but IMO that site doesn't count because it's about differences from the norm stemming from diagnoses and not from difference itself. You know, I'm looking for people without diagnoses (as well as people with, of course) who are like me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 15, 2014
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.