don't mind me

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by endlessskies58, May 13, 2009.

  1. endlessskies58

    endlessskies58 Well-Known Member

    i don't get myself

    my life is awesome

    i haven't been happier

    but i feel like i'm doomed to suicide no matter what

    like i just know that eventually i will kill myself sooner or later no matter how great life gets

    all i need is to feel like i'm over it and i'm done

    i don't even think depression would cause it

    i just predetermined myself to commit suicide

    and thinking about this...

    its one of the reasons i didn't want to be in a relationship

    i wanted the freedom to choose my death when and how and not worry about a lover

    i think its a reason i don't want to get into another relationship despite how good it feels

    and i know i shouldn't have kids because i will kill myself and i don't want to do that to them

    the only thing that's keeping me interested right now is the thought of doing something that people remember me by

    like writing a book or making art that leaves a trace of me

    so i have a purpose to my life

    and since i would have fulfilled it, i get to go out sooner than later


    i tend to see the world very emotionally.

    sometimes its great and other times its against me entirely

    ugh

    at least i have my art
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey that's a great goal to set for yourself. Accomplishing something that everyone will remember you by. And would bet that it gives you a sense of real belonging, something that just doesnt seem to be present for you. You have painted a pretty negative future for yourself and that alone would keep you down and certain that you will die by your own hand. No relationships, no kids, no family etc. You are looking at a future of complete aloneness. And something tells me you are the type of person that enjoys having others in your life. So yes set a goal to leave something behind. But I think along the way you will find yourself wanting to stay a little longer and find more purpose in your life and yourself. Let your emotions and thoughts about your suicide come out in your art. Let your pain fill the canvas. Let others know and understand and in doing so you may find some hope that your future will be brighter hun.