Hi all. I'm just going to start by saying that I have absolutely no idea how my head got this messy. Well, I've always been a little messy but until recently I always had someone to talk too. I've lost him though. He was never really mine though so I don't really think I can say I've lost him. In my entire life I can say I've been happy for 3 weeks and 2 days. My first suicidal thought was when I was 5 years old and I sat at the top of the stairs and willed myself to throw myself down them. The only reason I think I'm still here is because I know it would kill my mum if I escaped. I don't want to hurt anyone else but its so difficult to get up every morning and put that perfect smile on and go to work and act like everything is just wonderful and then come home and pretend everything is ok and that I'm not hurting anymore and that I'm happy. I just can't do it anymore. Its like it takes so much effort to pretend that at the end of the day I'm left with nothing. I curl up under the blanket at night and either I cry or I think of how to do it. I have the perfect plan and that scares me. If I have that plan then I'm thinking about it far too much. Anyway, today at work I felt particularly desperate so I google suicide and eventually found this. I don't know if talking on here will help or if I'll decide in a few days that its not for me but hopefully it'll help. Thank you for reading this and sorry if it makes no sense.