Don't quite know how I got here.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by AngelLolita, Jul 26, 2012.

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  1. AngelLolita

    AngelLolita New Member

    Hi all.

    I'm just going to start by saying that I have absolutely no idea how my head got this messy. Well, I've always been a little messy but until recently I always had someone to talk too. I've lost him though. He was never really mine though so I don't really think I can say I've lost him.

    In my entire life I can say I've been happy for 3 weeks and 2 days. My first suicidal thought was when I was 5 years old and I sat at the top of the stairs and willed myself to throw myself down them. The only reason I think I'm still here is because I know it would kill my mum if I escaped. I don't want to hurt anyone else but its so difficult to get up every morning and put that perfect smile on and go to work and act like everything is just wonderful and then come home and pretend everything is ok and that I'm not hurting anymore and that I'm happy. I just can't do it anymore. Its like it takes so much effort to pretend that at the end of the day I'm left with nothing. I curl up under the blanket at night and either I cry or I think of how to do it. I have the perfect plan and that scares me. If I have that plan then I'm thinking about it far too much.

    Anyway, today at work I felt particularly desperate so I google suicide and eventually found this. I don't know if talking on here will help or if I'll decide in a few days that its not for me but hopefully it'll help.

    Thank you for reading this and sorry if it makes no sense.
  2. triedtoomanytimes

    triedtoomanytimes Well-Known Member

    makes absolutely perfect sense to me angel....i too have recently lost someone that wasn't mine
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    HI Rebecca and welcome.. no need to put on the happy face or pretend on here.. please just tell us what's going on and how you are feelijng atm.. do you currently have any professional psychiatric help??? having that saved my life.. it is good to have someone competant to talk about this all with.. please take a look at all the forums on here.. chatrooms get busy also..
  4. yep

    yep Well-Known Member

    Yes, here you can be who you are and no one will judge you or expect you to be someone you are not. As others in your family love you I am sure they not only want you to smile but to be happy too. It may be inconvenient at the begining but they need to know of you struggle. As they love you they will support you as much as you need them to.
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Rebecca, welcome to SF, a friendly place where you can be exactly who you are, and write exactlyhow you feel. Having this place to vent in and learn in helps to understand that we are not alone in our messy thoughts and feelings, and helps us to find ways through. God bless and keep you safe, :)
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