R
I'm just not sure what to do anymore... I try so hard to be happy, I try to think positive all the time.. but whenever I try something else negative happens.
I'm 19 years old, and my entire life has been a constant battle. My mum's got multiple personality disorder, my brother is severely ADHD with heavy learning disabilities, my father isn't around... and I'm sick of having to be the mother of the two of them.
All I really want is to get a nice apartment and finally obtain my own car...
I want to finally be able to find a perfect man or woman who will love me like I am capable of loving someone. I'm sick of being so maliciously hurt. Three times in a row now, I have been fucked over purely for the amusement of others.
It's gone to the extent of my boyfriend (who I had finally thought was 'the one') fucking my best friend just to hurt me - two days before I could tell him I was pregnant, and my roommates sister scribbling on my wall in chapstick "I hope you die, bitch." (all though, I'm not sure if this was before or after she took the hard copy of my 10 chapter novel and burning it and deleting the copy on my computer.) I had to quit my job because we all worked together, and the last time I had seen him I had to go to the ER for a severe panic attack.
I don't understand what I've done to deserve all of this, it's not like I'm a bitch or anything. In fact, I'm one of the nicest people I know. It's bad that I let people walk all over me sometimes.. but at least I'm nice. I've never inflicted pain on someone purposefully, I've always thought of others before myself... and I'm always in pursuit of making others happy. I believe heavily in karma.
So why is it that I don't have any friends? Why does everyone find me so.. repelling? I understand that I'm not great looking, for the people that are materialistic enough to judge by looks. I'm decently heavy, sure - another thing that makes me heavily depressed... I'm not fat-fat, but I work out every single day and I'm still decently chubby.
And now, I've been forced to move back in with my mum because my roommate decided to turn in to a selfish drunken bitch who wouldn't pay her rent - and now won't pay her half of the fee for breaking our lease, I'm dumb enough to have fallen in love with someone who's all ready taken(by someone who lives in brazil of all places, and doesn't give him the time of day), I have to deal with my mum's problems (which are very large, very complicated, and very, very frustrating) my brother's rudeness (he has a tendency of calling me fat, or harassing my cat, who is very old to begin with), and I don't have ANY friends who'll do much more than a "... that sucks, dude."
I need someone who will take the time out of their day and come to me and hold me and make me feel better. All I need is a friend. But apparently even that is too much to ask...
When I was still living in my apartment I had seriously thought about suicide. I had it all planned out:
Would buy a hand gun with a silencer, and then not eat for a few days so that it wouldn't be too bad.. and then get one of those industrial garbage bags and fit myself in it before shooting myself eye or at the tip of my spine. I even wrote out lists for what goes to who, where my cat would go... I wrote apology letters to everyone I thought was worth it.
It's ever so tempting to just go through with it. I welcome the thought of eternal darkness. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm 19 years old, and my entire life has been a constant battle. My mum's got multiple personality disorder, my brother is severely ADHD with heavy learning disabilities, my father isn't around... and I'm sick of having to be the mother of the two of them.
All I really want is to get a nice apartment and finally obtain my own car...
I want to finally be able to find a perfect man or woman who will love me like I am capable of loving someone. I'm sick of being so maliciously hurt. Three times in a row now, I have been fucked over purely for the amusement of others.
It's gone to the extent of my boyfriend (who I had finally thought was 'the one') fucking my best friend just to hurt me - two days before I could tell him I was pregnant, and my roommates sister scribbling on my wall in chapstick "I hope you die, bitch." (all though, I'm not sure if this was before or after she took the hard copy of my 10 chapter novel and burning it and deleting the copy on my computer.) I had to quit my job because we all worked together, and the last time I had seen him I had to go to the ER for a severe panic attack.
I don't understand what I've done to deserve all of this, it's not like I'm a bitch or anything. In fact, I'm one of the nicest people I know. It's bad that I let people walk all over me sometimes.. but at least I'm nice. I've never inflicted pain on someone purposefully, I've always thought of others before myself... and I'm always in pursuit of making others happy. I believe heavily in karma.
So why is it that I don't have any friends? Why does everyone find me so.. repelling? I understand that I'm not great looking, for the people that are materialistic enough to judge by looks. I'm decently heavy, sure - another thing that makes me heavily depressed... I'm not fat-fat, but I work out every single day and I'm still decently chubby.
And now, I've been forced to move back in with my mum because my roommate decided to turn in to a selfish drunken bitch who wouldn't pay her rent - and now won't pay her half of the fee for breaking our lease, I'm dumb enough to have fallen in love with someone who's all ready taken(by someone who lives in brazil of all places, and doesn't give him the time of day), I have to deal with my mum's problems (which are very large, very complicated, and very, very frustrating) my brother's rudeness (he has a tendency of calling me fat, or harassing my cat, who is very old to begin with), and I don't have ANY friends who'll do much more than a "... that sucks, dude."
I need someone who will take the time out of their day and come to me and hold me and make me feel better. All I need is a friend. But apparently even that is too much to ask...
When I was still living in my apartment I had seriously thought about suicide. I had it all planned out:
Would buy a hand gun with a silencer, and then not eat for a few days so that it wouldn't be too bad.. and then get one of those industrial garbage bags and fit myself in it before shooting myself eye or at the tip of my spine. I even wrote out lists for what goes to who, where my cat would go... I wrote apology letters to everyone I thought was worth it.
It's ever so tempting to just go through with it. I welcome the thought of eternal darkness. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Any other family you can/are willing to confide in? How's progress towards that apartment and/or car coming along? A bit of a break from family might do you some good.