Don't quite know what to do...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by RivenWInters, Aug 31, 2007.

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  1. RivenWInters

    RivenWInters Guest

    I'm just not sure what to do anymore... I try so hard to be happy, I try to think positive all the time.. but whenever I try something else negative happens.

    I'm 19 years old, and my entire life has been a constant battle. My mum's got multiple personality disorder, my brother is severely ADHD with heavy learning disabilities, my father isn't around... and I'm sick of having to be the mother of the two of them.

    All I really want is to get a nice apartment and finally obtain my own car...

    I want to finally be able to find a perfect man or woman who will love me like I am capable of loving someone. I'm sick of being so maliciously hurt. Three times in a row now, I have been fucked over purely for the amusement of others.
    It's gone to the extent of my boyfriend (who I had finally thought was 'the one') fucking my best friend just to hurt me - two days before I could tell him I was pregnant, and my roommates sister scribbling on my wall in chapstick "I hope you die, bitch." (all though, I'm not sure if this was before or after she took the hard copy of my 10 chapter novel and burning it and deleting the copy on my computer.) I had to quit my job because we all worked together, and the last time I had seen him I had to go to the ER for a severe panic attack.

    I don't understand what I've done to deserve all of this, it's not like I'm a bitch or anything. In fact, I'm one of the nicest people I know. It's bad that I let people walk all over me sometimes.. but at least I'm nice. I've never inflicted pain on someone purposefully, I've always thought of others before myself... and I'm always in pursuit of making others happy. I believe heavily in karma.

    So why is it that I don't have any friends? Why does everyone find me so.. repelling? I understand that I'm not great looking, for the people that are materialistic enough to judge by looks. I'm decently heavy, sure - another thing that makes me heavily depressed... I'm not fat-fat, but I work out every single day and I'm still decently chubby.

    And now, I've been forced to move back in with my mum because my roommate decided to turn in to a selfish drunken bitch who wouldn't pay her rent - and now won't pay her half of the fee for breaking our lease, I'm dumb enough to have fallen in love with someone who's all ready taken(by someone who lives in brazil of all places, and doesn't give him the time of day), I have to deal with my mum's problems (which are very large, very complicated, and very, very frustrating) my brother's rudeness (he has a tendency of calling me fat, or harassing my cat, who is very old to begin with), and I don't have ANY friends who'll do much more than a "... that sucks, dude."

    I need someone who will take the time out of their day and come to me and hold me and make me feel better. All I need is a friend. But apparently even that is too much to ask...

    When I was still living in my apartment I had seriously thought about suicide. I had it all planned out:
    Would buy a hand gun with a silencer, and then not eat for a few days so that it wouldn't be too bad.. and then get one of those industrial garbage bags and fit myself in it before shooting myself eye or at the tip of my spine. I even wrote out lists for what goes to who, where my cat would go... I wrote apology letters to everyone I thought was worth it.

    It's ever so tempting to just go through with it. I welcome the thought of eternal darkness. I just don't know what to do anymore.
  2. avenueQ

    avenueQ Member

    sounds like you've really got it hard right now. is there anyway you can get help from a nurse or someone to assist you with looking after your mum+bro? and i know what it's like to have people you really love desert you, not a boyfriend, but my best friend since reception recently decided she never wanted anything to do with me again. what i have done to avoid hurt is built up a really secure friendship with one person who i know i can trust, and then i have lots of other friends that i just hang out with, but would not confide in or get close to. i know this sounds stupid, but it avoids hurt. i hope you're doing ok xxxxxx
  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Firstly: It's a great quality you have, to be nice to others regardless. It's rare and unique. So don't ever change that.

    Secondly: Your ex bf actions speaks louder than words. Sleeping with your best friend is such an ugly thing to do both by him and your friend. But it proves they never were genuine.

    I know what it feels like to go through the hard times your experiencing at the moment but keep in there and keep fighting. Having family that aren't exactly understanding is hard as well but you can get through this.

    If you ever need someone to talk to, then feel free to PM me anytime.
  4. RivenWInters

    RivenWInters Guest

    I just don't see the point anymore... whenever life seems to be like it's looking up, it just comes crashing down again. It's a never ending battle... what's the point of being depressed 90% of life just waiting for a happy ending...

    I was genuinely happy. The one time I was genuinely happy, I was on my ex's couch, and we were in a strange cuddling position just kind've sleepily listening to music, and he told me he loved me before he dozed off... and I was so blissfully happy for the first time in my life....

    I'm never going to achieve that again. There is never going to be another moment that I will ever be that happy... It's like my time has come and gone...

    What's the point of being a zombie...
  5. Mew

    Mew Active Member

    Think that's an accurate description of what life is like :(

    Is talking to dad, absent as he is, about splitting the load an option? Get him to be mommy once in a while? :) Any other family you can/are willing to confide in? How's progress towards that apartment and/or car coming along? A bit of a break from family might do you some good.

    As for being a zombie, who knows, maybe something'll happen that'll slap you awake. Didn't happen to me till I was almost 22. Dunno about you, but when I was happy, that 10% was enough to make life worthwhile.

    Anyway, take care :)
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