don't read, ranting just helps a bit

Discussion in 'Let it all out...' started by Wandering, Nov 30, 2006.

  1. Wandering

    Wandering Guest

    edited for swearing (that was hard!) and some triggering notes, for any of you who ignored my title and read this anyway...

    GAH i hate the fact that i haven't changed in three years. well, 2.5 years, although really i've had an underlying problem my whole life except now it's just harder to deal with because i live in the real world. i'm supposed to be able to deal better now that i've matured but nooo, it turns out that i was actually better at dealing while living in a dream world was still acceptable. now i just live in a dream world instead of facing the real one that i happen to actually exist in, which causes a lot of problems.

    i hate that i had more motivation as a ten year old than i do now. i hate that the only thing standing in between me and my dreams is me, because there's really nothing else holding me back. i'm supported by my family, weird as they all are, and i'm smart enough, and lucky enough - God knows i've been given more than enough chances. but no. no matter the opportunity, i find a way to kill it one way or the other.

    i hate that i can sit here and write about all the ways i screw up when right now, all it would take is some focus and concentration to write about important things that would actually save me from screwing up for once. but it's like there's a block - even as i acknowledge what i should be doing, i still don't go fix my problem! that's what i hate the worst - i know what's wrong, i know how to make things right, and I STILL DON'T. why though? and how can i complain about it, i'm clearly choosing to make these stupid decisions, i'm clearly choosing to ruin myself. every word i write right now is evidence of this. i should stop typing. i should get to work right now to salvage what i can. WHY AM I STILL TYPING?

    oh sorry, TRIGGER warning for the next paragraph. possibly, anyway, it's nothing graphic but just heads up. good thing i edit my own rants, what a freakin weirdo i am...



    i've decided that it's a form of masochism. i like pain, i invite pain, but i'm too much of a coward to really hurt myself. i tried that too. i've got scars and everything, but 1) that was hard to do, i have a typical human aversion to physical pain, and 2) i was stupid, and it was too visible, and people got very very upset and angry with me for that. i mean, they get mad at me for all my screw ups, but that was the worst. so instead i tease myself, get others to tease me, i practically flaunt my flaws and weaknesses so i can be taken advantage of and made fun of. and i set myself up to fail. it's almost like i plan this crap.

    i'm a lazy person. i sleep when i shouldn't because it's easier than living, i stay up in the middle of the night because there's nothing do deal with so i don't have to worry about living. i spend soo much time reading anything other than what i'm supposed to, watching stupid tv shows, just sitting, basically avoiding all committments. i hate myself for it but i won't pretend like that's ever motivated me to change my ways. i'm a self-indulgent self-loathing weirdo. the phrase "i deserve to be shot" doesn't even apply, because i don't deserve one single thing!

    there was a time when i thought i was just really sexually frustrated, and that's why i was so hung up on life. but now that i've tried both real relationships and one-night-stands, and neither help, i've given up on that idea. it's just another part of of my life that i manage to mess up.

    gah again with the triggering maybe...


    if you've gotten this far, you must think i'm a lazy whining selfish horrible person who needs a good smack in the face and some backbone. you aren't far off, except i'd enjoy the smack and ask for another, sorry about that. you might wonder if i've considered suicide, and yeah i have. actually at this point you might be hoping that i'm currently considering it and wishing that i'd hurry up already because you're tired of reading this. the thing is, suicide is action, and i am really, really bad at taking appropriate action. so yes, i've thought about it. i half-heartedly tried it a long time ago, but i knew deep down i couldn't pull it off. because at my core, i'm a lazy lazy person. excellent quote from The Shawshank Redemption: "Get busy living, or get busy dying" - the problem is, i'm getting busy doing absolutely nothing. oh sure, that eventually leads to dying i guess, but the heck i'm getting busy about it.

    so what do i do? oh that's right, it doesn't matter because i won't do it anyway. years back, when the tragedy at Columbine happened, i asked myself what i would have done if i'd have been there. would i have proclaimed my faith, or denied God? would i have been a hero or a coward or just unlucky? if i were in that situation now, i wonder if i'd even move. gun in my face, imminent death, i'd sigh and wonder when they'd pull the freaking trigger! i pray that i could at least dive in front of someone, save a life or something, just so my stupid waste of a life could do a little good. the odds are that i'd only do good if i just happened to be blocking the shot already, because diving would require action, and i haven't managed to act yet. although i might be able to manage some action, because i place a higher value on other people's lives than i place on my own. because other people act, other people move, other people at the very least save themselves, and some save others with noble intent.

    i'm not particularly religious, but i've been raised a Christian. assuming for a minute that Christianity is right, then i know this much: Heaven is way too good for me, and i'm pretty sure Hell is out of my league too. if i ever manage to die, i'll bet anything i'll go to limbo. or let's say for a minute that i did go to Heaven, even by accident - i'd probably be too lazy to sign in at the Pearly Gates, i'd just hang around outside. probably would take a nap in the clouds, until St. Peter came and yelled at me to get moving, no loitering! and if i went to Hell, Satan would kick me out after he realized that i was enjoying the everlasting torment too much.

    i'm weird. not the weirdest by any stretch, i can't claim that. nor do i have the most wrong with me. i don't have that many problems. i'm mediocre to a tee. (i've never really understood how that phrase means anything, but it does so i'll use it). BAH

    and on that pathetic little note, i think i'm done sharing my excuse for a life with this forum. hopefully nobody managed to read this far. i told you not to - i'm just ranting...
     
  2. BL604

    BL604 Member

    I hope you'll get better. You are a nice person :hug:
     
  3. StarFish

    StarFish Guest

    I'm sorry you feel so awful. I hope that the rant helped let off some steam. Hope you feel better soon. I know saying that is kind of lame but I do hope you feel better:smile:
     
  4. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I too am sorry that you feel hopeless and such a waste, unmotivated. :sad:
    I know you said you did not want replies, but I cannot help it...I am not sure of your location, or more of your situation. I just wanted to say something.

    I feel unmotiveted, helpless and listless when I am depressed. True, you may not be suicidal now; yet your dislike for yourself and unworth opinion sound similar to someone that will be struggling for a long time if you do not address what is bothering you. I HATE me and I BLAME me for anything when I am depressed. It gets worse and worse.

    This forum is wonderful release and a safe place to rant. I hate say this, but if you tried some meds it may make a world of difference. I speak from experience. I did not get help till I was 27. Don't let your life fly by when treatment could make a world of difference. Post and let us know!!

    A caring pal,
    TLA