Don't Read This, Just Ignore it please

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by moxman, Sep 11, 2016.

  1. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    I don't know to handle life anymore. I don't have the strength to keep on living this pathetic existence of a life. I don't know to change it. I don't how to improve it. I am so sick and tired of it all. I am so tired of crying at night, when life overwhelms me. I feel so alone. I feel so dead inside, it would hurt to much to fix it. I don't have the strength to fight anymore. I just wish I was safely in the ground somewhere, so this pain would stop, so this suffering would go away. I hope that I find peace in death, I never had it in life. I am so tired of the fucking nightmares. I am so tired of hearing them laugh at me. I am so fucking tired of being sick everyday.

    I hate myself so much for fucking up my whole life with one stupid mistake, that I am going to pay for , for the rest of my life. All of my friends lived these promiscuous lifestyles, and nothing ever happened to them, they just moved onto the next person so freely and easily. While I watch on the side, because I fucking HATE talking. But me, I do something one time, and my whole life goes to shit. I fucking hate this life. I fucking hate this pain that I feel so deeply inside of me, that I don't know where the pain ends and myself begins. I have been in pain for so long and my pain will never stop, it will never go away. The pain has won. I am unable to fight it back anymore. I ficking hate my stupid diseased body. I wish I let it kill me in 94, I haven't done anything to justify living as long as i have. The woman I loved, would never return my love. What is the point of all this if you can't have love, if you can't have happiness, if you can't have joy, if you can't have pleasure, why the fuck am i still living on this godforsaken planet?

    The only reason I still live, is for the love of a little girl. A very precious, little girl, that without her; I would be so lost. When I am with her , is the only time my pain stops. It is the only time I feel joy is when I am with her. When we are acting silly and goofy and doing stupid dances. But the moment she leaves the pain comes back, the emptiness comes back, the suffering comes back. I feel so guilty because I want to lean on her to much and her little shoulders can't bear my weight. It would crush her. It would devastate her if I did what the voices in my head tell me to do. But I don't know how much longer I can go on, when I suffer so much everyday. I suffer so much every night, the suffering never stops.

    What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I be like other people and have friends and have fun? What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this shit filled life. I always try to do the right thing, but the more shit I incur. I can't even watch television or listen to the radio because it is filled with stuff I can't have, I never had it in the past, I will never have it in the present , I will never have it in the future. So why continue on this shit existence called life? Why wake up every morning, when It just another awakening of a day filled with pain? A day of loneliness, a day filled with responsibilities because everyone else around you is to fucking incompetent to do anything. Why don't I understand how life works; like other people do? My mother always so stupid I would screw up a wet dream, I guess she was right all along. I don't want to live anymore, it feels like the only safe place for me is in the ground somewhere. I will probably be totally forgotten in a generation, so why bother?

    Why do I have life filled with four children, 65,39,17,14? Why can't the older children fucking grow up and help me out , why am I always stuck solving their problems, when will anyone help me solve my own problems? The answer is never, my whole life I have always been other people's rocks. I was steady and I supported them. Later I was just brushed aside for a prettier rock, a funnier rock, a better sex rock, what the fuck is so wrong with me? Why does everyone abandon me? Even here I reach out to make friends and I rebuffed, I am not even good enough for the people; in the only place that I ever have felt accepted. Why am I never good to be a part of a social circle, or belong to a group of friends? Why am I always alone and feeling the crippling pain of loneliness that goes to the core of my being? When can I stop suffering? Why is it then whenever try anything in social situations, it is never the right thing, the cool thing, the creepy thing, when will I fucking learn how to be accepted?

    Even the man, that has known me for 38 years, has decided that I am not worth the hassle, not worth the trouble, not worth the effort, what have I fucking done to deserve this? What have I fucking done to deserve this? What is fucking wrong with me? I always supported him, and backed him up when he needed it. I saved him from getting his ass kicked so many times and it is unimportant. He just discards me like the rest. He even has her heart, and he just uses her and discards her so many times. A woman that I am not good enough for, he just fucks her and dumps her. Like she was a cheap toy. Why would I never be good enough for her? What is so fucking wrong with me?

    Why do I continue wasting air as my stupid forsaken body breathes it in? I just wish I could stop breathing and maybe that would stop my pain. It would certainly stop this shell game called life and I never am I smart enough to pick the right shell. I just wish I was already dead, and the precious girl could start recovering and move on with her life. I am such a fuckup and it is probably in her best interest not to be around with me , and my constant fuck ups. Maybe it is the only way she would be safe from being a social pariah like me. Maybe without me in the way, she would be a social butterfly and have all the stuff I never had in my life. Why can't I ever get anything right?

    All I ever want to do is to sleep. At least when I am asleep the pain in my head stops; unless I have a nightmare that has been happening with more and more frequency. I hear them laughing at me, it won't stop , why won't it ever stop. I am on 14 fucking medications and I still suffer and I still feel pain. I still cry as I type this. Every morning when I finally fall asleep, I hope to god that I die. That something, anything will stop me from living this miserable existence. I just want the pain to stop. I just want the suffering to stop. Why is that too much for me to have?

    The people in my life don't know the real me. The people in my life think that I am doing great and I am all of these things, because they never look closely at me and see how much I suffer, how much I hurt, how I am so tired of living, What is the point of living, when you are only in pain? What is the point of living, when I was never good enough for her? So many other guys were good enough for her, but not me. It seems like I live a life in torment. A life of emptiness. A life of lies. The only woman I was good enough for is so fucking fucked in the head it is rather pathetic. Why am I so fucking pathetic, so socially handicapped? The harder I try to change things, the more it backfires on me.

  2. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    I'm sorry to hear that it's like this for you. And I'm sorry, but I just couldn't ignore this.

    You seem like a nice person and caring.
    I know the feeling that one mistake has fucked up everything. Excuse my language.
    And to feel empty, to cry and cry.

    But it's nice to hear you have the little girl to help you, although I can understand why you just can't lean on her.
    And sorry to hear about the woman you love, it does sound kinda weird how she is. But there might be something else making her keep going back to him.

    I really don't know what to say, except I know how some of it feels. And I'm very sorry that it's so bad for you.
    And I know you've heard it before, but it'll get better. Just take a deep breath and count to 10. Maybe it'll clear your mind a little.
  3. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I can't ignore you either, you have been so wonderful and helpful. I have no answer to the question why. I wish I could hug you. xx
  4. Stormy

    Stormy Active Member

    It sounds as though everything is very intense for you right now, I can really relate to that.
    I'm sorry you are feeling so low,
    I don't think there's anything wrong with you, you care for the people in your life deeply, that's an awful lot to take on.
    Nightmares can signify something you haven't dealt with, that your mind is now trying to process. I don't think I've asked, have you tried talking therapy? it doesn't fix everything but it can help you process things.

    Living with health issues is also very tough, I wish there was something I could say to make it better, but all I can say is I do understand how you feel and how hard it really is. Im sending hugs to you.
    You've been a great help to me since I've been on this site and I think you are amazing, you cope with so much on a daily basis, yet you still had time to help me- that shows me just how caring you are and I am happy to be here for you whenever you need, we all need someone, I just wish I could do more to help!
    Your daughter needs and loves you as much as you do her, she wouldn't want to be without you, I am sure of that. Try to hold on to those good times with her.
    Take care of yourself x
  5. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Mox, I can't ignore this my friend, you're in a lot of pain and I wish I could take it away from you. I only know you from seeing what you post and I see a kind, caring and compassionate man. I wish those around you could see this too.
    I don't have any words that just sound empty, but some of what you said I've felt myself, I know the pain.
    Take care my brother, we're here for you
  6. PumpkinSpice

    PumpkinSpice Member

    Another who can't ignore this. You've been so welcoming to me since I joined. I try to think of my daughter - she needs her mummy just like your kids need their daddy.
    What helps when you feel down? Can you get some fresh air, listen to some music?
  7. ponkotsu

    ponkotsu Well-Known Member

    Hi Mox, I haven't heard from you in a while. I'm sorry I can't ignore this either. It hurts to see such a kind and giving person suffer like this.

    I'm also sorry if anything I've done or haven't done contributed to you feeling rebuffed on this website. A lot of us here have conditions like BPD or social anxiety which makes us want to push people away when they try to get close. Personally, I know that my shyness and anxiety often get interpreted as rudeness or disinterest.

    Thank you for sharing your feelings here instead of dealing with them in a more dangerous way. I often look up meditation videos on youtube when I start feeling especially bad. Even ten minutes of sitting still and breathing can set things back on track for the day or hour or whatever.

    This may not be what you want to hear but your daughter needs you, considering everything she's gone through. Those fun, silly moments with her dad are so important to a girl her age. My father wasn't around for me then and I think it's left an emptiness. You can lean on her as much as you want if you do it in such a way that she feels loved and cared for. I'm sure she wants to help you too.

    For now, please focus on yourself. If there's anything you have the energy to try that might make you feel better, try it. Breaking up tasks into little chunks helps me a lot with self-care things. I tell myself that all I have to do is one step and I can quit after that if I really want to. The steps are so tiny and manageable that I generally don't quit though.

    Please hang in there. You have a place here and you have a place in your daughter's heart that would hurt so much if you left her.
    Frances M likes this.
  8. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    That's a good way of putting it. I'm the same way. And I hope I didn't contribute to you feeling that way either Mox.
  9. SA76

    SA76 Member

    Im so sorry you are feeling so much pain. It is so hard to live everyday day in, day out.
    And i know i should listen to myself on this but look for something good that happened in each day. I had to get a car inspection done and it didn't pass the inspection, i came home and started bawling, but the mechanic was trying to be so kind to me.
  10. SSheep

    SSheep Member

    I'm really sorry to hear that Mox, a lot of hugs from me and try to take care please. I don't know you personally but you really seem nice and caring.
    moxman likes this.
  11. X-FallenSolitude-X

    X-FallenSolitude-X Well-Known Member

    Squish awe sometimes it bumpy before it gets better x