Welcome to The Psychiatric Hotline. If you have OCD, press 1. No, you did it wrong. Press 1 again. No, no, no, I said 1! Get it right1 If you are codependent, ask someone to come press 2 for you. If you have Dissociative Identity Disorder, press 4, 5, and 6. If you are manic, no need to press anything. We're all your fans and will soon be over to fawn all over you. If you are depressed, there is no point in pressing anything. We really don't care whether you live or die. If you have PTSD, press the number that reminds you of that time when there was all the screaming. That and the blood. Blood, screams, and darkness...darkness...sorry, what was that? If you are schizophrenic, attempt to communicate with the mushrooms, then ask the little green aliens what number you should press. If you are paranoid, we already know where you live. Besides, touching the telephone could kill you, if it hasn't already. If you have borderline personality disorder, stomp on the phone, then hug it and beg for forgiveness. Thank you for calling The Psychiatric Hotline. Be sure to take your pills.