Don't really even know what to say..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Digital Angel, Jun 6, 2009.

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  1. Digital Angel

    Digital Angel Well-Known Member

    I don't know how much longer I can put up with being isolated like this. I could explain everything but it won't matter because no one will understand because I've tried before and no one understood.

    I wish I had a less cynical view of life, but unfortunately the things I believe are most probably true so I just try to keep them out of my mind. This is hard to do however when I have pretty much nothing to live for, and can't get a job anywhere.

    I can fake being normal and happy, but I don't think I can fake it much more. Behind all this fabricated shit that is my personality my head's a fucking mess and I don't know where to turn anymore.
  2. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    hi Digital Angel, i'm sorry you're feeling like this :hug:
    maybe if you did try to explain, someone on here might understand. there's a huge range of people on here and we've all been through different things so you might just find someone who you can relate to and who can relate to you.
    sometimes it's hard to keep up a mask so that everyone around is kept happy by you being happy - but doesn't that tell you that you'd be missed. they'd be so sad to know you're feeling like this, so they'd miss you terribly if you were to do this. have you tried talking to someone? a professional maybe? doing that could possibly help.
    likewise, i'm always here if you need someone to talk to, just PM me and i'll get back to you as soon as i can.
    please talk to someone hun, you seem like you need it. :hug:
    triggs xx
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Digital Angel,

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
    The way the economy is now not many people can find a job. They'll pull through and so can you.
    Keep reaching out for help. :hug:
  4. justafool

    justafool Well-Known Member

    Don't keep hiding your despair from the people who are around you. Give them the opportunity to maybe, possibly be helpful. Someone might step forward and surprise you.
  5. Digital Angel

    Digital Angel Well-Known Member

    I won't explain all the details, I already wrote a long post detailing it but decided to rewrite it now.

    Basically what's wrong, since senior year I have been incredibly isolated and while things have improved since getting really bad, then dramatically improving (it all depends on your definition of this, other things were fall apart while this occurred) then got far worse than ever after my only true best friend and love of my life broke up with me. It was the most incredible friendship and relationship ever even though it was over the internet besides the week we met. Mostly, because my personality dramatically changed because the isolation, lack of food/shitty food, the school stress, the stress of dating, and throwing my friends away and devoting all my time to her which was the worst thing for me to do to keep her. Mostly, I didn't have the resources and proper mindset to last in this and it fucked me up real bad.

    Over the last year or so I went into really foggy periods of mind and my life was the worst it ever been. Thanks to my friend Aaron and Magic the Gathering I had an okay summer and had some friendships with helped greatly but not having my friend and I have the same friendship anymore was distressing me greatly, and the guy she was dating as well. We aren't friends anymore and i miss her more than anything.

    I'm trying to move on and meet new people and maybe one day I can be friends iwth her again and be myself and be interesting. I've read a lot into relationships and attracting people and I could have had someone ot hang out with awhile back but of course I had no money to take a train and I can't really see my friends in town becasue I have no car because my tires got slashed a long time ago and then my engine was sabotaged. So basically I have no one to really test anything out on. I've been learning magic tricks to to help meet people but the thought of going up to a stranger to me has become unbearable.

    My hands hurt, I used to have very bad carpal tunnel which improved dramatically when I found some exercises but I don't keep up with them and they were almost fixed but I only do them now when my hands hurt unbearably from overmasturbating. Thankfully if I put my mind ot it for a couple weeks I can bring them back to like 85% functioning. NOt having my ergonomic keyboard hurts my typing too since my laptop keyboard is broken as well but can function if you use the missing keys.

    I have a masturbation problem which is why my nands hurt, i do it A LOT since I seldom get out. I wish I had a girlfriend, I wouldn't even need sex but being with someone makes me do it less anyway. I've had lots of opportunities in the past because I'm attractive and smart despite my social inability. I couldn't pursue any of them though because I wasnt really allowed to leave the house much, and there was not dating allowed throughout high school.

    I'm 21 now and isolated and depressed as hell. the friends I have I dont want. My "friend" i play video gmaes with but only because I cant tell him no because I hvae assertiveness problems it wasnt as bad before because ic ould just ignore him but now hes moved to my apartment complex. He always wants me to start playing shitty free mmos with him and i dont fucking want to. He represnts many of the things I hate about stereotypical males an the fact i cant be assertive with him makes me hate him. My other friend is better but we only play D n D really which I also fucking hate. Games have consumed my fucking life for so lon gand I dont need to be playing more. I would love to go out swimming or pier jumping with some friends and fun things for once in my shit life. Everyone takes this for granted. I've literally been alone for like 95% of the days for the last 4 years at least. It's fucking hell.

    The thing with my game "friend" is worse because its ruining the last summer my mom will pay for my solitary apartment. Also, sicne im going back with my mom any hope of getting a girlfriend for the next 3 years is ruined... and I've pretty much wanted one my entire life but have only had my best friend when we dated online and I lied to my mom to go and meet her. I'm always worried he'll coem knock and my computer is right by the door so if i have music on i have to answer. I guess I have half of a pta degree and I wanted to be a writer but I can't because my mom wont help me with schoo l then. I cant get a job anywhere. I've applied at 20 plus places and even have solid interview skilla dn good at presenting myself but doesnt matter really.

    I want to learn guitar but i have zero money, want to ebay some things to get some but am pretty much fucking helpless. Also, with my hands and my masturbation it likely wont work anyway. I have nothing to strive for nothing ot live for and my life wont get started until im 25 after living with my mom and while that may seem young to some when your whole life you havent been able to do shit, it's an eternity.

    There's more lots more, but I can't explain really because my hands hurt, mostly a couple of my fingers so im idiotic, I'm not please, my hands just hurt and I'm not in a good state..Also, I know I'm not mentally ill but likely have many symptoms because I've been alone so long and have had a miserable life with little support from family or friends.
  6. sylvie

    sylvie Member

    I feel the same way. Hugs.
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