Don't really know if there's point in doing this...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ReallyDontCare, Nov 5, 2008.

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  1. I don't even know where to start. And I'm not sure why I'm actually writing this. I found the site by accident and was surprised to see so many people on it.

    I guess i can start at the fact that I've wanted to die since i was 11 years old. That's 17 years now. More then half my life I've had to try to convince myself that there's a reason why i shouldn't end it. Despite the constant nagging thoughts of death, i was always "together" and people saw me as a funny, smart, outgoing person (on the outside anyways). But i can't keep it together anymore, i just don't care at all about anything. I'm seriously at a point where i can no longer hide my misery from the people around me, so i hide all together. Combine that with the fact that I'm so angry, intolerant, irritable, exhausted and discontent. I feel zero happiness in anything i do and have unintentionally (through my miserableness) abolished pretty much any relationship I've had. I'm really not seeing a point to continue this facade.

    Shrink after shrink, med after med... nothing works. Of course I've heard it all... hope for things to get better, hope for the love of your life to come along, hope for money and success and so on and so on. So...

    What's the point? Seriously? I think i have actually come to terms with my suicidal thoughts and have felt this way for so long that it doesn't really bother me anymore. I've pretty much accepted it... the ONLY reason i haven't done it, is because of my mother. If i killed myself, she would fall apart and that would make the rest of my family fall apart. The thought of having fallout from my death is a horrible thought. That's literally the only reason I've lasted this long... but it's starting to be an excuse I find matters less and less.

    Everybody dies, why do people freak out when someone actually wants to die? When i hear people talk about someone whose committed suicide, i always hear 3 things:

    "Suicide is selfish!"
    I say, wtf!? keeping someone alive and tortured just to appease others is selfish.
    "Suicide is cowardliness"
    To which i say, you go kill yourself then brave guy.
    "Suicide is weak"
    I would like to see someone who doesn't have a "chemical imbalance" (or whatever the hell it is that makes suicidal feelings) have it for a week and see how they fare... then see what they'd say to 17 years of it.

    Anyways, i guess in some crazy way, I'm looking for a reason why life supposedly matters so much? I think over the past few years I've lost whatever the hell it is that makes a person value life and... I just really don't care.
     
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I don't know if I can give you any good advice because I am at rock bottom and just don't care anymore. The only thing I can say is think about your mom. I highly reccomend a good therapist. To hell with meds because they don't work, or at least the ones that do your shrink won't give to you. So I say to hell with doctors also. They just want a check And don't give a shit about you. See the therapist they can help put things in perspective!!~Joseph~
     
  3. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear you feel so bad but I guesss that's why we all end up here. The fact that you have posted shows that you still have hope. Hang on to that hope and just take things day by day. I found the forum in the same way you have and it's been more help than any doctor or pills have ever been. Give yourself time to get to know some of the people here. As you say most people don't have a clue as to what it's like to feel suicidal. Here we do. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat, Best of luck.
     
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi reallydontcare. You might not agree, but life always matters. When you're alive, there so much that you can do and see, but when you're dead, there is eternal nothingness. Once you're gone, there is no coming back. You just need to rediscover the value of life. Try doing some things that you used to enjoy. Do you have some friends that you can go out with? Please don't give up on life. :hug:
     
  5. Thanks to everyone for the words of encouragement…

    Joseph - Thanks man, sorry to hear you are where you are. Wish I could give some form of encouragement. As far as therapists, I've been seeing them all my life. I think that they are a joke. I'm seeing one right now and it's a colossal waste of time. It's seems they're only interested until they realize they can't fix me.

    Snowraven - For some reason that really sounds odd... to welcome someone to a suicide forum. lol, anyways, thanks. Unfortunately, I don't have any hope; I haven't for about 5 years. When I was little I had a lot, but it's slowly dwindled away over time. I really only have the one thing keeping me alive.

    Dave N - What's wrong with eternal nothingness? You're dead and gone, you're not actually experiencing anything, you're not longing for something else or wishing you didn't kill yourself. The way I see it, life is torture and there's a cure for that torture. A cure to which you'll never have to feel this way again.
    I wish I could "rediscover the value of life" but I don't think I ever discovered it in the first place. I really think it's been so long, that it just doesn't matter. I don't even get emotional about the whole thing. It's just a simple fact now, there's no reason for me to live, I hate my life and myself, I want to die... its crazy how simple and cut and dry it is now.
    I do have a few friends left that I talk to every now and again, I just don't want to be around anyone. And when I am around people, as I mentioned above, I’m not very pleasant anymore. Anyways, thanks.
     
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