I don't even know where to start. And I'm not sure why I'm actually writing this. I found the site by accident and was surprised to see so many people on it. I guess i can start at the fact that I've wanted to die since i was 11 years old. That's 17 years now. More then half my life I've had to try to convince myself that there's a reason why i shouldn't end it. Despite the constant nagging thoughts of death, i was always "together" and people saw me as a funny, smart, outgoing person (on the outside anyways). But i can't keep it together anymore, i just don't care at all about anything. I'm seriously at a point where i can no longer hide my misery from the people around me, so i hide all together. Combine that with the fact that I'm so angry, intolerant, irritable, exhausted and discontent. I feel zero happiness in anything i do and have unintentionally (through my miserableness) abolished pretty much any relationship I've had. I'm really not seeing a point to continue this facade. Shrink after shrink, med after med... nothing works. Of course I've heard it all... hope for things to get better, hope for the love of your life to come along, hope for money and success and so on and so on. So... What's the point? Seriously? I think i have actually come to terms with my suicidal thoughts and have felt this way for so long that it doesn't really bother me anymore. I've pretty much accepted it... the ONLY reason i haven't done it, is because of my mother. If i killed myself, she would fall apart and that would make the rest of my family fall apart. The thought of having fallout from my death is a horrible thought. That's literally the only reason I've lasted this long... but it's starting to be an excuse I find matters less and less. Everybody dies, why do people freak out when someone actually wants to die? When i hear people talk about someone whose committed suicide, i always hear 3 things: "Suicide is selfish!" I say, wtf!? keeping someone alive and tortured just to appease others is selfish. "Suicide is cowardliness" To which i say, you go kill yourself then brave guy. "Suicide is weak" I would like to see someone who doesn't have a "chemical imbalance" (or whatever the hell it is that makes suicidal feelings) have it for a week and see how they fare... then see what they'd say to 17 years of it. Anyways, i guess in some crazy way, I'm looking for a reason why life supposedly matters so much? I think over the past few years I've lost whatever the hell it is that makes a person value life and... I just really don't care.