This is going to be a really really long message because I have lots of problems so hang in there. I have been to many places and asked advice from many people but nothing has helped yet. Where to start, hmm. Well I'm a 25 year old male that is going back to school fulltime, looking to become a computer engineer/programmer if I make it that far. Problems all began around 9 years ago when I was a junior in high school. I overdosed on massive amounts of Adderall with a huge panic attack mixed in. The doctors said if i wasn't young and in shape I would have died from a heart attack or stroke. I honestly now wish I did. Ever since that day I have suffered from severe anxiety that actually keeps me from leaving the house a lot of the time (its also bad in home sometimes, but its not as bad). I can no longer take any type of pill or medication because I cannot stand the feeling of loopyness(sp?) or a high feeling because it gives me flashbacks. I am also deathly afraid of taking anything that looks like a pill, even vitamins. This has prevented any doctor from being able to prescribe me a medicine for it. I was able to finish high school and my senior year I started my first real relationship(she was a freshmen, dealing with a traumatic event which I helped her through). After a few months we fell in love and did everything together and almost never left each others side. Unfortunately this backfires as you will see later. After High school we stayed together and I attended the community college close by so that we could stay close. After the first year my anxiety was getting worse and got the best of me and I couldn't even attend classes, I had to drop out. At this point I was able to mask it so well that my girlfriend didn't even know thats the reason I had to quit. I held a few shitty phone jobs but each only lasted a few months than I quit. Than I'd wait a year and do the same thing with another shitty phone job. Keep in mind the only reasons I quit was because the anxiety would force me to miss too many days of work. My girlfriend didn't worry because she didn't care about how much money I made or what job I did. Eventually after a few years of this I finally couldn't hide or lie about my problem any longer and let my girlfriend know everything. She didn't have a problem with it at all because she loved me so much, this was very comforting to know somebody loves you unconditionally and she still wanted to marry me, and we were still soul mates and all that jazz. At this point I started to seek real help for my anxiety and other issues by going to an outpatient mental health program. I did this for a few months and the anxiety seemed to subside, but only because it normally does with time (it comes and goes in phases, which is why im able to hold a job for a little, or go to school, more on school later). After the outpatient I decided I should try to go back to school so I could get better jobs and maybe my anxiety would magically disappear...heh.... Whats sad is that at this point my gf was already 2 years ahead of me in school because of all the time I lost in between jobs because of my anxiety. This was ok though, she was going to a local school and we actually even moved in together. (just to give you a timeline roughly, we moved in together in September 09). Now I should mention that throughout our relationship we did have fights, and I always seemed to take it too far and say things that you should never say, even in a fight. Horrible things that I will not mention here or ever again. Eventually, roughly 2 weeks ago, we got into a huge fight and I said something again. This was the last straw for her and she left to live with her mom (roughly 1 1/2 hours away). So we made it just about 8 years. This is when I realized I'm the biggest douchebag asshole loser in the entire world and begged and begged her back. I even enrolled in therapy and anger management, however the damage was too deep for her. She doesn't see me as the same person anymore because of all the things I have said. I have tried but I know for a complete fact that she is not going to get back with me because its unhealthy. Please don't take me as a bad person, I believe my crazy anger episodes come from the anxiety because anger seems to help me ignore the anxiety. Since that day roughly two weeks ago I have not eaten much at all, slept much at all, and thoughts of suicide along with MANY thoughts about our relationship and what her life is going to be like without me are racing through my head. The two parts that are hurting the most at this time I think are, one, I can't take the thought of her spending her life, getting married, having kids, and falling in love with another man. That is something I imagined would happen with me, and now someone will be taking my place. And two, that no woman that is like her (she always seemed to want to do the things i wanted to do, and loved to do them, and she was so so beautiful, literally the girl of my dreams even after 8 years) will ever ever ever even consider being with someone like me who has anxiety enough that I'm scared I may not be able to provide for a family in the future. The reason I think about part 2 is because if I can't hold a job or attend class regularly after 8 years of this, how will I in the future? It has only seemed to get worse, even though I have gotten help (besides the outpatient, I have been to a few doctors, therapists, and psychiatrists). I always dreamed of having a girl who would be my first and last, and this was the case until now. I thought we were soulmates and after we got married on earth and passed on, we'd be together again in heaven for eternity. She used to feel the exact same way. I have been around friends and family a lot lately, but nothing seems to help at all. I have ridiculous psychotic thoughts and if I didn't believe in hell I promise you I'd be dead already. I don't know what to do anymore, please I need advice or kind words. I have asked almost everyone I know about this, however nothing has helped so I saw this forum and decided to ask for help here. Hopefully someone has some type of answer. If I forgot anything I will post it as I'm sure I've missed things. Please feel free to ask me questions, I will answer anything if you think it will help.