dont see how it could be any worse

Ive been suicidal for the past 10 months and things keep getting worse.
I have constant images of my own or other people's horrific death's running through my mind.
Constant nightmares, constant emotional pain.
I have no relief from the depression. Its constant and overwhelming. Theresnobody I trust enough to talk to and too paranoid and socially awkward to ring Samaritans or even go to. Hospital.

 

I understand the difficulty in asking for help Danny.
Those thoughts sound very disturbing, when did they start?

 

They started about a year ago as nightmares and have got worse and worse to the point where even as I type I can see myself being tortured

 

Did anything trigger them do you think?

 

Originally the nightmares were about being betrayed due to intense paranoia regarding people I know.

 

I see. Is the paranoia ongoing?
Would you consider going to see your GP?

 

still as paranoid as ever. My gp just gives me various meds as I refuse to see a shrink.

 

Well personally I went to a therapist and they really helped me. why do you not want to see one?

 

Ive seen therapists and psychiatrists in the past but atm im terrified that if tell a professional what go's on in my head that I will be detained/committed etc
That to me is worse than anything.

 

Hi danny, I do appreciate what you are going through.......my heart goes out to you, totally. As you do not want to see a professional (and I quite understand this) - the meds that your GP is giving you, are they helping you at all ? The other thing you can do, is what you're doing by being here Peer support really helps, and being able to write it all out really helps too.

The thing to keep telling yourself is that, although these images appear to be real, (because your mind can see them) - in truth, they consist of something else which is based on bluff. I know this might sound very strange to begin with, but having suffered from the same thing, I know what I'm talking about. And that there is a way through this, to the point where you will not need to be fearful of them any longer.

I do hope you can "latch on" to this truth Danny....... it is a process of learning how to make your mind into your friend.

If you would like to PM me, please do - or we can write here.

God bless you for reaching out

 

Meds are often just a temporary fix - a band aide, so to speak. Getting to the root cause of the problems and issues is really the ultimate step toward a fix. Why will you not pursue therapy?

 

Not knowing what country you are in, it is hard to say what could happen but in the U.S. you would not be "committed." You could be detained if you posed a serious and real threat to yourself or others, but isn't that a good and valid thing? Being detained in a quest to save your life is not a bad thing, it is positive.

 

HI Danny

I had the same issues as you, I could always see myself killing myself. I also thought that telling someone about this would have me sectioned. In the end it got so bad went to see my GP and told him all about it. He was supportive and understand and did arrange for me to go in to hospital but on a voluntary basis as I wanted the help, If you go wanting the help they will try to avoid detaining you. I spent 4 weeks in hospital not 100% better but getting there even though every day is a struggle.

Go talk to someone please

 

Thanks to everyone who has replied. Rationally I know that hat I feel and thi can be exagerated or just me giving myself an excuse to wallow in depression and. However when I have an episode/attack whatever you label it as I dont act or think rationally.
I have had experiences with nhs psych wards through peers and family working or staying there and no matter what all I remember is the scare stories.
In a way I have become so used to depression and these thoughts that it almost scares me to not feel this way, it has become my whole identity.
This forum does help in a small way just to be able to vent anonymously to people who understand.
To whoever asked what meds im on....
60mg diazepam in 3 doses of 20. 20mg of temazepam for panic attacks. 100mg terazedone every night and unrelated but also tramadol for migraines.
Appologys for typos etc this forum isnt very accesible from my phone.