Don't see it ending any other way...

Walker

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#21
Hi again
You know, as for all of us spending all this time with you and you ignoring it (yeah, I had to paraphrase all that down into a sentence) .. well, we've been doing that with some people here for various reasons for years. It's not like you're the first one to roll in and have issues to deal with and have a shit time trying to gather your wits about you. People try.. and fail.. sometimes often. You just have to keep getting back up over and over and over again. You only have to get up *one time* that you dont fall back down, right?

You mention your wife also using so maybe you guys can kinda lean on each other about things. Accountability and shit. Think of the money you'll save and plan something together perhaps. Or just be able to talk things out. Whatever works for you guys. She might need a hand too.
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#22
Hi again
You know, as for all of us spending all this time with you and you ignoring it (yeah, I had to paraphrase all that down into a sentence) .. well, we've been doing that with some people here for various reasons for years. It's not like you're the first one to roll in and have issues to deal with and have a shit time trying to gather your wits about you. People try.. and fail.. sometimes often. You just have to keep getting back up over and over and over again. You only have to get up *one time* that you dont fall back down, right?

You mention your wife also using so maybe you guys can kinda lean on each other about things. Accountability and shit. Think of the money you'll save and plan something together perhaps. Or just be able to talk things out. Whatever works for you guys. She might need a hand too.
Loud and clear brutha...my issues aren't special or unique. (I'm under no illusions that they are)

As for the wife and I using, things hit a "bottom" of sorts recently and I told her that I'd been using in secret, lying to her about it, etc. We've both since agreed that our using has gone too far and that we need to stop it altogether, for the sake of my mental health. Wish us luck...
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#23
Holyfuckingshit spending time with my family makes me want to kill myself. More nuanced take later (I'm at the table with them right now) but hot damn do they make me wanna live a short, tidy life instead of dragging this thing out...
 

may71

Well-Known Member
#24
hot damn do they make me wanna live a short, tidy life
That's terrible. Is there any way you can just leave, either make up an excuse to leave, just leave without an excuse, or straight up tell them "I can't stand being around you, you make me want to kill myself, I'm leaving"?

It's not the normal order of things, and it might be a hassle (and easier said than done), but if they are making you feel that bad, it sounds like it would be a worthwhile investment in your well-being.

You might be able to get your ticket changed, or just stay in nearby hotel until your return flight.

Confronting them about the bullshit they are pulling to make you feel this way might be good too. If that were easy to do, you probably would have done that a long time ago. On the other hand, learning to assert a right to express what you think and feel could be really good, and giving them the what-for could lift a big mental burden from you.
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#25
giving them the what-for could lift a big mental burden from you.
Definitely didn't do much of that. They've beaten me down over the years to the point where, I know what I'm getting with them...so I just try to "go with the flow" and get through the experience with as little confrontation as possible.

This trip was an especially long/difficult one, as I was in a TERRIBLE mental state at first. (had just told my wife that I was suicidal, we both resolved to quitting cocaine for good, etc) The good thing is, I was far far away from all my dealers/triggers, so today marks 10 days off the coke, which is great.

I did, however, use many substances as crutches during the course of our trip. Some prescribed (trintellix, lithium, seroquel, klonopin) some not (adderall, vicodin, alcohol)...it was all I could do to just get by.

Got back last night and am currently on my way to work for the first time in a week. All I want to do is cry and cry and cry. Spending that time with my family has all but confirmed my feeling that I shouldn't live a super long life. It'll just be filled with pain and anxiety anyway.

Too much of a coward to put any action plans together though. My guilt about how devastated everyone (wife, parents, etc) would be outweighs my desire to end it all, I guess.
 

may71

Well-Known Member
#26
Definitely didn't do much of that. They've beaten me down over the years to the point where, I know what I'm getting with them...so I just try to "go with the flow" and get through the experience with as little confrontation as possible.
That's awful, I'm sorry it was such a bad experience. Do you want to say more about what exactly they were doing?
 

JmpMster

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#27
Got back last night and am currently on my way to work for the first time in a week. All I want to do is cry and cry and cry. Spending that time with my family has all but confirmed my feeling that I shouldn't live a super long life. It'll just be filled with pain and anxiety anyway.
Seems to me the only thing it would confirm to anybody thinking even close to clearly would be they don't want to waste their time spending it with people that make the situation worse- which is an incredibly easy fix for an adult that lives a good ways away from them... Sometimes we really try to make mountains out of molehills and make the simplest thing seem really hard- especially if we are looking for reasons to make our life crappy or to find an excuse for actions.
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#28
Seems to me the only thing it would confirm to anybody thinking even close to clearly would be they don't want to waste their time spending it with people that make the situation worse- which is an incredibly easy fix for an adult that lives a good ways away from them... Sometimes we really try to make mountains out of molehills and make the simplest thing seem really hard- especially if we are looking for reasons to make our life crappy or to find an excuse for actions.
While I would disagree that separating from my family entirely is "easy"...I do concur that sometimes I ascribe to the "listen to sad music to make yourself even sadder" principle. (both literally and figuratively)

@may71 its hard to describe but, long-story-short, I've inherited generalized anxiety disorder from my mother and major depression from my father. Communicating with them is extremely frustrating due to the constant undercurrent of guilt that permeates everything.

Anyway, today is Day 11 off cocaine (woo hoo!) and Day 2 away from the family and back at the office........so why do I feel like crying and sleeping and crying and sleeping and crying and sleeping? FML...
 

may71

Well-Known Member
#29
Communicating with them is extremely frustrating due to the constant undercurrent of guilt that permeates everything
At first I thought the problem was that they were abusive, which I suppose in a sense they are, but not in the typically overt put-down sort of way.

It sounds like they are trying to get some sort of emotional need met by extracting it from you.

If you feel like you would like to have some sort of relationship with them still, family therapy might be worth thinking about.
so why do I feel like crying and sleeping and crying and sleeping and crying and sleeping?
It sounds like you were using cocaine to self-medicate, so you have to deal with both drug withdrawal and the underlying depression that you were trying to self-medicate for in the first place. And being around your family didn't help either, except to keep you away from sources.

You also didn't give up drugs while you were away, you just used different drugs. It's an accomplishment to stop using cocaine, but whether or not that was a step up or not depends.

So I guess aside from acupuncture and Chinese herbal medicine, the only other things that I can think of that might help might be rehab and drug counseling. Maybe folks in the self-harm and substance abuse forums might have some additional insights.
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#30
If you feel like you would like to have some sort of relationship with them still, family therapy might be worth thinking about.

It sounds like you were using cocaine to self-medicate, so you have to deal with both drug withdrawal and the underlying depression that you were trying to self-medicate for in the first place. And being around your family didn't help either, except to keep you away from sources.

You also didn't give up drugs while you were away, you just used different drugs. It's an accomplishment to stop using cocaine, but whether or not that was a step up or not depends.

So I guess aside from acupuncture and Chinese herbal medicine, the only other things that I can think of that might help might be rehab and drug counseling. Maybe folks in the self-harm and substance abuse forums might have some additional insights.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply @may71 ...when it comes to my family, I'm lucky that we live 2,000+ miles away, so I don't have to see them very often.

As for the cocaine use, I am committed to not using anymore. Its been 11 days so far, so that's a positive step. I was definitely substituting other substances in order to get through my family trip...but I'm not continuing that. Just beer and weed (and my prescribed meds) from here on out...
 

Walker

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#31
Anyway, today is Day 11 off cocaine (woo hoo!) and Day 2 away from the family and back at the office........so why do I feel like crying and sleeping and crying and sleeping and crying and sleeping? FML...
Dude. You've been using for a while and you're subbing out other meds and substances for the coke so you've kind of twisted the way you're feeling now. You were used to feeling a certain way and now you've changed that up. But now you feel WORSE and that sucks. So why is that? Part of that I honestly think is likely just withdrawal. If you've been using quite a while then the drugs are out of your system in several days but that doesn't fix the psych dependence on it, you know? You've just gotta go little by little. Eleven days is a huge step. Try not to cover it all up with other meds and shit when you can because you're gonna end up with another habit (you know this) but you're making progress here and that's big news. Are things working as well for your wife? (wife, right? gf? fuck if I can remember. I didn't read the thread again, sorry.)
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#32
Eleven days is a huge step. Try not to cover it all up with other meds and shit when you can because you're gonna end up with another habit (you know this) but you're making progress here and that's big news. Are things working as well for your wife? (wife, right? gf? fuck if I can remember. I didn't read the thread again, sorry.)
Hey @walkerbait95 today is Day 12 off the ❄️ and I'm also committed to not just trading other drugs for it. (that was a crutch I used to get through my family trip but that's over now) Only taking my prescribed meds now.

This week hasn't gone well. I was super anxious/depressed/suicidal Tues and Wed and today I woke up in a panic (as I usually do) and decided to take the day off. I don't know if it was the wisest decision but I did it so now I'm resting.

As for my wife, she's doing ok with regard to staying off ❄️ etc... she's just having a hard time in general. My addiction + depression + anxiety + suicidal ideation is affecting her, which breaks my fucking heart. I need to do some things that display my desire to get better. Taking today off (hiding) maybe isn't a great start.
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#33
Day 16 off the coke. Still finding myself quite depressed (skipped the company holiday party this weekend and stayed in my apartment the whole time) and anxious (woke up this morning hyperventilating and have been in a "somewhat extended panic attack" ever since)...but nevertheless proud that my wife and I are staying committed to living coke-free.

I've got an appointment with my med doc on Fri, think I'm going to suggest we try something different. My current mix (Trintellix, Lithium, Seroquel) doesn't seem to be agreeing with me. Still thinking about suicide daily. (still no tangible action plans tho)

Anyway, that's how things are goin, for anyone following this thread. Thanks to everyone for all their help thus far!
 

Walker

Everything Zen
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#35
Day 16 is an accomplishment. That's awesome. Is the wife sticking with you also? You're doing great. Skipping the party was probably a good choice, you could tend to fall into old habits there which would lead you down a bad road. It's all about change. Keep up the hard work.
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#36
Thanks @may71 and @walkerbait95 ...I'm really excited about the progress we're making (the wife is sticking with this, bigtime, she's determined to get me better) and can't wait to start feeling good again. Kinda concerned that my depression/anxiety are intensifying but I'll chat to my doc about that on Fri and hopefully we can make some adjustments that help.
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#37
UPDATE: Day 23 off the cocaine. Very proud of myself for the progress but still going through a rough patch with regard to anxiety/depression/motivation/suicidal thoughts.

I'm having trouble concentrating and focusing on my current job. I've got another (exciting-slash-terrifying) job on the horizon that I'm applying to and will be interviewing for...but I'm having trouble getting pumped about that too.

Anyway, short-term strategy is "fake it till you make it" and just act as if I would if I were feeling great and everything was OK. Long-term strategy is to build on my streak of sobriety by adding healthy behaviors like working out, meditating, etc.

I've got a talk with my doc today and I'm going to let her know how I've been feeling. Maybe it'll cause us/her to make a change in my current med mix.

Thanks to all who are following and have given me advice...I appreciate you all so much. Feels so good knowing that I'm not alone and its great to be able to relate to all of you and be involved in this community where we all look out for each other's health.
 

may71

Well-Known Member
#38
Day 23 off the cocaine
Congratulations! :) Coke is a tough drug to quit, you've really done a lot by getting off of it.

I'm having trouble concentrating and focusing on my current job. I've got another (exciting-slash-terrifying) job on the horizon that I'm applying to and will be interviewing for...but I'm having trouble getting pumped about that too
Do you think it would help or hurt to take a break to focus on your heath? Is that even an option?
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#39
Do you think it would help or hurt to take a break to focus on your heath? Is that even an option?


I think I've used those options up. In the last 18 months I've taken two separate 3 month breaks. (due to my health) Can't keep doing that.

Had a rough morning today and skipped work entirely. Probably not the best move ever but I'm determined to make something positive out of it. Gonna meditate (downloaded Headspace, haven't used it yet) and find an NA to check out.
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#40
Day 27 of semi-sobriety and I'm still struggling, bigtime. Mornings are brutal: hyperventilating, crying, puking, etc. The rest of the day isn't much better: pretty consistent depression with periodic bouts of anxiety. Not a day goes by that I don't have some form of suicidal ideation.

Think I'm going to try quitting weed for a while. I typically take a couple hiatuses throughout the year (30 days usually) but I haven't done that this year. Wondering if cutting another substance out might help things? idk... Usually, the first 2 weeks are rough (irritable, etc) and then my mind gets a bit sharper, etc.

Idk...grasping at straws. I know I need to get my ass back into the gym but I just haven't been able to do it lately. The spiral of self-hate, continues..
 

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