Don't see it ending any other way...

#43
Hey everyone. First off, I'm now realizing how bad my screename is. "Depressed in SF" was supposed to mean "San Francisco" however its also the name of this forum itself so...fail.

Anyway, here's the deal about me:

- 37 years old
- white male
- married 11 years
- 0 kids
- good job, make good $
- depression/anxiety most of my life
- cocaine abuse for the last 2-3 years

My problem is that I know what is good for me (exercising, being productive, having regular therapy sessions, etc) and what is bad for me (drugs, skipping therapy, not working out, etc)....yet I continue to make bad decisions on a consistent basis.

On paper, I've got a very "idyllic" life...married, good job, cool city, etc. However, I've found myself spiraling deeper and deeper into anxiety and depression. I'm fully aware that the cocaine is amplifying this and yet I continue to use.

Anyway, I've never made any suicide attempts nor do I currently have an action plan...but I think about it, every single day. Its a BIG part of the reason my wife and I haven't had kids yet. I just can't bring myself to have children (which represent the future, one in which I'm alive for a long time) when I believe that, eventually, I'll probably end it.

So, that's me. Thank you for listening.
I have struggled the same drug problem for a while also. I have no idea why I choose the things that hurt me over the things that potentially could help. Thank you for sharing your story and you are not alone.
 

may71

Well-Known Member
#44
Wondering if cutting another substance out might help things?
Imho, weed makes anxiety and depression much worse in the long run. It's considered a softer drug, but it can still cause you big problems. Alcohol is also bad.

I don't know if quitting them would help in the short term, but in the long term I'd say it would.

Day 27 of semi-sobriety
Congratulations on 27 days!

Have you tried the NA meetings yet? I don't know if they are any good, but it might be worth a try.
 

Dawn

Well-Known Member
#45
Congrats on getting off the Coke.

Most of us struggle with these things and understand.( Self hate, suicide etc...) Don't see how quitting weed will help these things but will clear your mind and maybe help u in other ways too. Would think therapy could be more beneficial. Were u worried about going because of career? Sorry can't remember exactly.

Just wanted to say I'm happy to keep seeing u around. I'm addicted to this place and that's fine by me:)
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#46
I have struggled the same drug problem for a while also. I have no idea why I choose the things that hurt me over the things that potentially could help. Thank you for sharing your story and you are not alone.
Hey @Charla ...I understand what you mean. The things that used to be fun and get us high have diminished returns and now just make us feel shitty. That said, we keep going back to them in a terrible cycle. I'm trying (as best I can) to break that cycle for me...I hope you can too. Feel free to hit me up anytime. I think the support on this forum helps.

Imho, weed makes anxiety and depression much worse in the long run. It's considered a softer drug, but it can still cause you big problems. Alcohol is also bad.

I don't know if quitting them would help in the short term, but in the long term I'd say it would.


Congratulations on 27 days!

Have you tried the NA meetings yet? I don't know if they are any good, but it might be worth a try.
Thanks @may71 ! I can't believe today is Day 30...feels like one hell of a milestone. Proud of myself but still lots of work to do.

Its also Day 4 off the weed. In the short term it usually sucks for me: anxiety, irritability, lack of sleep...but after a couple weeks it gets better. Hoping to push through the tough times in order to have better times ahead.

I did go to an NA meeting last week, although I'm not sure its for me. Maybe I'll try again sometime...idk.

Congrats on getting off the Coke.

Most of us struggle with these things and understand.( Self hate, suicide etc...) Don't see how quitting weed will help these things but will clear your mind and maybe help u in other ways too. Would think therapy could be more beneficial. Were u worried about going because of career? Sorry can't remember exactly.

Just wanted to say I'm happy to keep seeing u around. I'm addicted to this place and that's fine by me:)
Yeah, just looking to clear my mind from some of the fogginess and sharpen up a bit. I've got some interviews for a new role coming up and it wouldn't hurt to be a little sharper.

100% agree about therapy. I had been going to therapy bi-weekly for a while but I fell out of the routine and definitely need to get back into it. It is hard to make the time (due to work) but not impossible...I need to make the effort.
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#47
Even with all the progress and seemingly hopeful things I just said (above) I'm struggling with anxiety, lack of sleep and thoughts of suicide. Gonna try to get my med doc on the phone today. I don't think Lithium is agreeing with me. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and she'll prescribe me some Ambien.
 

may71

Well-Known Member
#48
I can't believe today is Day 30...feels like one hell of a milestone
Congratulations!

I did go to an NA meeting last week, although I'm not sure its for me. Maybe I'll try again sometime...idk.
I guess one of the problems with both NA and AA is that religion, or at least a "higher power" is at the core of the recovery program. That's great if you are ok with the religious orientation, but it's a problem for folks who aren't religious. I'm not sure if that was something you didn't like about NA or not. I wish there was also a non-religious support group for addiction recovery.

I'm struggling with anxiety, lack of sleep and thoughts of suicide. Gonna try to get my med doc on the phone today
Getting your meds adjusted sounds like a good idea.

Avoiding processed foods and chemical additives helped me a lot. Also eating everything at least lightly cooked and served warm.
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#49
@may71 yeah...I'm not really into the "higher power" aspect of it. Also, its a total abstinence program. My goal is to quit coke and take a little break from the weed. I'm not an alcoholic and I don't want anyone insinuating that I can't have a beer sometimes. That said, its all well-intentioned and, should I feel the need to use again, I might hit up future meetings. Not ruling anything out.

As for the med stuff, my doc is recommending Freespira. Have any of you guys heard of this or used it?

https://freespira.com/

(mods, sorry if that link isn't allowed but I think its more informational than salesy)
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#50
Hey everybody...was off the forum for a while since I had been feeling GREAT and was making lots of positive progress.

Welp...that's gone to shit as of late. So here I am.

Had a really good streak going with the coke...was off for 75 days, then partied with my wife and some friends. It was NOT worth it. Wound up using again (in secret, alone) a couple days later too.

As disappointed as I am in "breaking my streak"...all it's done is confirm to me that I need to stay away from that shit. Its been 12 days since I used and I'm in a bad, bad place. I've had to take days off from work (a big, new job I just started too)...have been hyperventilating, crying, etc. It got to the point where my wife had to ask me if I was suicidal. I hate being like this and I hate how much it affects her.

Anyway, I'm currently in the "know what the right things to do are...but am too anxious/depressed to actually do them" stage at the moment. So, until my body/mind can get on the same page, I'm just trying to get by and stay alive.

Thinking about ending it on a daily basis now. Not happy that I'm back in this place again.

Thank you all for being here for me and for giving a shit about a total stranger.
 

DrownedFishOnFire

Seeing is Believing
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#51
Hey there Californian:

Its a bump on your journey. Coke will screw up ones feelings for a long time it takes time for the moods to level itself back to normal once your body recovers. Sorry to see you back under such circumstances. Still with the same doc? Same support network?
 

LonelyHiker

Waitering for Godot
#52
Sorry to hear about your struggles, Depressed in SF. Addiction can be a tough battle, but I'm sure its one you can win. Best of luck to you!
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#53
Thanks @DrownedFishOnFire and @LonelyHiker ...really appreciate your support.

My coke relapse was 2 weeks ago so I was hoping any lingering effects from that would have dissipated by now but I know it affects everyone differently and could definitely be a factor in how I'm feeling right now.

I was actually happy when I thought that I could blame everything (depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts) on the coke. That way it would be an easy fix: subtract the drug and I'll be all set.

As I now think about how that might NOT be the case...it has me scared and demoralized. Is this just going to keep happening to me? Am I resigned to a life of yo-yo'ing between "feeling OK" and "feeling awful"? I'm really sick of it all. I don't want to be like this anymore.

As for support system, I have some great people in my life that I can talk to about this (I don't reveal it to many...but there are a select few who are great) and I still have the same doc/meds (although they've just increased my lithium as a result of my convo w/them today) and, of course, I have all of you.

Thank you for everything.
 

Walker

Everything Zen
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#54
Drugs do mess up your system for a long time yanno? (And I'm not condemning you man, I've done the drugs) So maybe this is a case of how you'll be a yoyo forever & maybe it's not. It's too early to tell.
Congrats on the long time clean. A bump I the road is just that. I tend to think you've got to have one, or a few, in order to quit because you think "just this once" and your brain needs to realize that's a bad idea. It's fine. You'll be ok. You don't have to beat yourself up over it.
Come on man. You hang in there.
 

may71

Well-Known Member
#55
Welp...that's gone to shit as of late. So here I am.

Had a really good streak going with the coke...was off for 75 days, then partied with my wife and some friends. It was NOT worth it. Wound up using again (in secret, alone) a couple days later too
Sorry that things are bad again.

75 days clean is still a big accomplishment. It usually takes several tries before you can give up an addiction for good.
 
#56
Yeah, I've a alcohol, and it won't quit. C ant kill myself, so what do I do. Haven' figured it out yet either pardner. It's a bitch.
 

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