Don't see it ending any other way...

[Depressed in SF]

Hey everyone. First off, I'm now realizing how bad my screename is. "Depressed in SF" was supposed to mean "San Francisco" however its also the name of this forum itself so...fail.

Anyway, here's the deal about me:

- 37 years old
- white male
- married 11 years
- 0 kids
- good job, make good $
- depression/anxiety most of my life
- cocaine abuse for the last 2-3 years

My problem is that I know what is good for me (exercising, being productive, having regular therapy sessions, etc) and what is bad for me (drugs, skipping therapy, not working out, etc)....yet I continue to make bad decisions on a consistent basis.

On paper, I've got a very "idyllic" life...married, good job, cool city, etc. However, I've found myself spiraling deeper and deeper into anxiety and depression. I'm fully aware that the cocaine is amplifying this and yet I continue to use.

Anyway, I've never made any suicide attempts nor do I currently have an action plan...but I think about it, every single day. Its a BIG part of the reason my wife and I haven't had kids yet. I just can't bring myself to have children (which represent the future, one in which I'm alive for a long time) when I believe that, eventually, I'll probably end it.

So, that's me. Thank you for listening.

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Dawn]

Welcome depressed in SF! Actually, your name fits just right I thought, and I did recognize it as San Fran.

I'm glad that many things are going well in your life and it sounds like u know what u need to do to make it better. But easier said than done I know. It is hard to stop doing coke when u are around the same places. I'm sure u have thought about getting professional help before. It may be what u need to get better. No matter what, we will be here to support u and know that we care. Please take good care of yourself and talk to us anytime

 

[Depressed in SF]

It is hard to stop doing coke when u are around the same places. I'm sure u have thought about getting professional help before. It may be what u need to get better. No matter what, we will be here to support u and know that we care. Please take good care of yourself and talk to us anytime

Thanks so much for the kind words. You're 100% right, its so hard to stop when so many things (friends, places, etc) are triggers. I've definitely considered professional help and I think I might take the first step by checking out an NA meeting this week. Maybe it'll scare me straight? idk...

Also, in my "life synopsis" above, I forgot to mention the meds I'm on. Do you guys talk about meds openly on this forum? If so, here's my current cocktail:

- Lithium (that one's new, I used to be on Wellbutrin)
- Trintellix
- Klonopin
- Seroquel

The doc used to prescribe me Xanax as well but she won't anymore, since I have a history of abusing drugs for recreation. Understandable.

 

[Walker]

Hi there and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you'd definitely have an advantage over things if you stopped using. You're halting your life where it is with it when you could have other great things going on. And for what? Twenty minute bursts of happiness? Nah, man, you can have sustained happiness if you get things back on track. You already know all that though cause I can see that you're a smart guy. You've got your shit together, you just need to fine tune some things.
Honestly, man, you sound exactly like my brother in law. Great guy. Extremely smart, a laser engineer. Had everything going for him. Wife, half million dollar house, cars, you name it. But alcohol. Man, the alcohol was just doing him in.
Bad news? He killed himself last year. The guy had the perfect life but just could not deal with the drinking anymore.

Do you guys talk about meds openly on this forum?

Sure thing, there's a whole forum for meds specifically. People starting, stopping, switching, new cocktails, side effects.. all of it. Check it out.

Keep posting, I think you'll find a lot of responsive and cool people around here to chat with. Take care and be safe.
Matt

 

[Dawn]

Hi again Depressed in SF, glad to see u back. You are so welcome, anytime.

I lived in LA in the late eighties and blow was everywhere as u can imagine! I was having way too much fun! I literally had to just leave LA to get off the stuff. It worked for me because once away from the ppl places, etc... it was easy because then i was not around all those triggers. And to have started again, i would have actually had to seek it out in the new city and i did not do that. But I was young and that was an option for me. I know u have a full life there so probably not feasible. Although, if it gets bad enough, it would be worth considering. Glad to hear u are thinking of NA.

U have so much going for u. Wishing u the very best. Feel free to PM me anytime. Hope to see u around. Take care

 

[Depressed in SF]

You're halting your life where it is with it when you could have other great things going on. And for what? Twenty minute bursts of happiness? Nah, man, you can have sustained happiness if you get things back on track. You already know all that though cause I can see that you're a smart guy. You've got your shit together, you just need to fine tune some things.
Honestly, man, you sound exactly like my brother in law. Great guy. Extremely smart, a laser engineer. Had everything going for him. Wife, half million dollar house, cars, you name it. But alcohol. Man, the alcohol was just doing him in.
Bad news? He killed himself last year. The guy had the perfect life but just could not deal with the drinking anymore.

Thanks for the support walkerbait95...you're 100% right about what's really important (getting my life on track, being healthy/happy, etc) versus what is destructive (chasing these 20 min coke highs) ...however I continue to make the wrong choices, which frustrate me and make me hate myself for the self-sabotage. This leads to guilt and, yada yada yada, vicious cycle.

For example, I'm thinking about checking out an NA meeting...but I'm also thinking about picking up a bag and getting high while my wife is off at work. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Not sure what I expect from you guys (honestly, you pretty much nailed it with your assessment of my situation)...just venting at this point I guess.

So sorry to hear about your brother in law. I really hope the same thing doesn't happen to me, but idk....

 

[may71]

I suggest acupuncture and Chinese herbal medicine often, and it just so happens that San Francisco has an abundant supply of acupuncturists and herbalists.

Acupuncture has been endorsed by the World Health Organization for treating a variety of illnesses, including depression. It's frequently successful at treating anxiety and addiction as well

 

[Depressed in SF]

I suggest acupuncture and Chinese herbal medicine often, and it just so happens that San Francisco has an abundant supply of acupuncturists and herbalists.

Acupuncture has been endorsed by the World Health Organization for treating a variety of illnesses, including depression. It's frequently successful at treating anxiety and addiction as well

Thanks for the tip May...I'll definitely check it out!

 

[may71]

Thanks for the tip May

You're welcome! I hope it helps!

 

[Walker]

just venting at this point I guess.

Well lots of people are here for just that... we're here to listen or advise, either one. Sometimes just an ear is all you need. Either way, man, we got you covered.

 

[JmpMster]

Thanks for the support walkerbait95...you're 100% right about what's really important (getting my life on track, being healthy/happy, etc) versus what is destructive (chasing these 20 min coke highs) ...however I continue to make the wrong choices, which frustrate me and make me hate myself for the self-sabotage. This leads to guilt and, yada yada yada, vicious cycle.

You are clearly a bright enough person and have a clear understanding of the issue. I would say at this point your only chance to get free of the cocaine is to get real professional help, as well as NA or similar support program- but most importantly follow all the recommendations. You can't have everything in your life be the same "except the addiction" - the only way to break an addiction is to break the addiction and all the accompanying things you do with that- friends that use, places you go when use/or to use, things you do where you want to party/use; etc etc etc. The biggest step in stopping is deciding you actually want to quit and to stop lying and admit or understand it really is 100% choice - you choose this over everything else. It does not sound at all like you are unaware of that though - more when just in the moment saying "no" to yourself and that means making those moments that it is the normal thing you do as few as possible so you are not having to make that choice 15 x day. If have decent job, money/insurance consider a decent private rehab place as a really needed "vacation".

I believe you can in fact do it - you know what the issue is and why it is having the negative effect- you are still managing (right now) to have a productive reasonably normal life in spite of it and the extra difficulties (may be why it is hard to convince yourself of the need to stop in the moment)- so you absolutely are strong enough to manage. You just have to decide you are worth the effort from yourself that it will take. I think you are, and I really hope you decide you are worth that effort too. It is far better to have a contented and stable life you are happy with than a 20 min buzz to pretend things are great.

 

[Human Ex Machinae]

Cocaine is a very nasty drug, I know from personal experience years ago. In the moment when you're doing it, it takes over your brain, it's literally the only thing you care about. If you were told that the earth would be swallowed by a black hole in 20 minutes, you'd think, Ok, how many more lines can I do in 20 minutes?
From my own experience, I found that the only thing that broke me out of that horrible downward spiral was ending all contact with my sources. I basically told them to fuck off and never call me again. You also have to stop hanging around people who use it.

 

[Depressed in SF]

NYJmpMaster, HumanExMachina...you're both 100% dead-on accurate.

Which is why I'm disappointed to say that I picked up a bag yesterday, which I did in secret while my wife was at work. I've got >1/2 the bag left and there's 0 doubt in my mind that I'll do the rest today. Hell, I may even start at the office before I leave for the day.

And thus the dance continues. I know what I should/shouldn't do...and then I go and do the wrong thing anyway. Sometimes I think I'm just as terrified of success as I am of failure. Otherwise, why would I self-sabotage so much?

"I feel the pressure, under more scrutiny...and what I do? Act more stupidly." - Kanye West (feels appropriate right now)

Thank you all for your support, I think the advice you're giving is spot-on. I somehow just need to kick my own ass into following it..

 

[Yodadan84]

To kick the booze, I started getting into a routine of doing things I used to enjoy before I started drinking(like eating cereal and watching cartoons like I did when I was a kid). Substance abuse is a LEARNED behavior(except for children who are born dependent from the parents abuse) which means you CAN unlearn it OR learn another method to cope with the addiction. And(although I will receive some flak from other SF members for saying this), I don't believe that it is 100% choice for you to quit as you've been told, which is part of the reason you keep going back to old habits and then blaming(or guilting) yourself for something out of your control, which makes things even worse. The 'first' time you decided to partake may have been a choice, but after that, every time after that just sunk you deeper into addiction, probably without you even knowing it. Right now you're stuck in a routine, doing what works to get you through another day, and trying to make up for whatever is lacking in your life(the REAL problem). You may still be functional and productive, but that's mostly just a front to keep hidden from those around you the severe mental pain and emptiness that you are dealing with. "Filling the void", so they say...

I stopped drinking(after many years of trying to quit) because the bad effects from the booze(hangovers, reckless behavior, and yes, self urination)(Well, I was a real winner, wasn't I!?)finally got way worse than any of the 'temporary' joy I was getting from the habit. The illusion is that it's making you happy, when in reality, it's just making you THINK you're happy.

So, how do you get out of such an uncontrollable, hopeless situation? You start by facing the situation as yourself, you, not the 'coked up' version of yourself(though I will warn you it will not be easy, especially at first). The 'choice' is not in simply just putting down the stuff or avoiding the source(s) where you get or use it(which is a good start by the way). The 'choice' is in deciding that it is YOU, not anyone else, who will be facing your challenges in life, and that takes real courage, discipline(I just used 5min of discipline trying to figure out how to spell 'discipline' correctly) and patience. I know it sounds like reverse logic, but that is in fact what we are trying to do, unlearn what you have learned.

Now that said, It took a number of 'rock bottoms' in my case to get where I am today. I'm not saying you may need to experience that(nor do I want you to), but I will say that everyone's path to recovery is a bit different, there is no straight forward guidelines for addiction or suicidal thought. Keep trying different(positive) things to cope, keep looking for answers, keep searching period. Start asking yourself, "What 'really' makes me happy?" and go towards it. And remember, you are one of a kind, you are priceless, there is only one you. So take heart and show the world who that you can be!

I hope that helps and I didn't mean to offend anyone in the SF community either if I did. I hear you brother, and wish you the best.

-From someone in a 'cheesy' state next to a big lake

 

[Depressed in SF]

@HumanExMachina @Yodadan84 thank you both...I think your assessment and your advice is great and I appreciate you taking the time to put enough thought into helping a complete stranger like me.,

5:30am on Monday here in California. I've been up since 4:00am hyperventilating...as is my typical way of waking up in the days after a coke binge. (did it in secret Thurs/Fri nights, did it with my wife until 4:00am on Sat night)

I'll try to get through the extreme depression/anxiety via some combination of coffee, klonopin (prescribed) and adderall (not presecribed).

...and so the dance continues. I spent a week on this forum, telling you guys that I need to stop doing this...and then I went ahead and did exactly that anyway. Now I need to spend the next few days telling myself "you don't really want to die or kill yourself, your brain is just depleted of the chemicals needed to derive pleasure, meaning or happiness."

All I wanna do is hyperventilate and/or cry and curl up in a ball...but I've gotta do some major public speaking at work today (in front of ~200 people) and then I've gotta prepare for a week-long trip to see my parents. (who drive me absolutely insane and will not be good for my anxiety, etc)

I don't even really know why I post on this forum...what do I even expect from you all? So far you've all been great and, in return, I've done nothing but ignore your advice and continue the same behaviors. I suppose talking this stuff out with you guys is therapeutic in some way...but idk, it also feels a bit self-important.

I guess just thanks for not giving up on a habitual piece of shit like me.

 

[may71]

I spent a week on this forum, telling you guys that I need to stop doing this...and then I went ahead and did exactly that anyway

I've done nothing but ignore your advice and continue the same behaviors

It's typically much easier to give advice than to follow it.
Quitting an addiction is hard, it usually takes time to get there. As they say, acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step. Being aware that you want to change, thinking about what you can do to change, and talking about wanting to change is good. These things can be valuable by themselves if they make you feel better, and may eventually lead you to take some concrete steps toward overcoming your addiction.

"On the road to recovery", every addict goes through a phase where they realize they are addicted, and that their behavior is inconsistent with how they want to lead their lives.

did it in secret Thurs/Fri nights, did it with my wife until 4:00am on Sat night

Do you think it would help to tell your wife that you are addicted and that you've been using in secret? Do you think she is, or might be on the verge of becoming an addict too?

I've gotta prepare for a week-long trip to see my parents. (who drive me absolutely insane and will not be good for my anxiety, etc)

Do you think your relationship with your parents could be the root of some of the problems that you are having? Particularly since addiction and your mental health is leading you to the point of having suicidal thoughts, it sounds like prioritizing your well-being over the wishes of your parents is a good idea. It might be better to cancel your plans with them, as long as you don't end up binging on coke for a week instead. I'm not sure how expensive or successful rehab is, but a week in rehab might be a better way to spend your time.

I suppose talking this stuff out with you guys is therapeutic in some way...but idk, it also feels a bit self-important

Talking about problems is often necessary to overcoming them. If you get to a point where you are able to focus on other people rather than dealing with your own problems, that would super, but it's not where you're at right now. Trying to overcome addiction and not killing yourself is enough to deal with for now.

a habitual piece of shit like me

You're not a piece of shit. You have inherent worth as a human being.

 

[Depressed in SF]

It's typically much easier to give advice than to follow it.
Quitting an addiction is hard, it usually takes time to get there. As they say, acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step. Being aware that you want to change, thinking about what you can do to change, and talking about wanting to change is good. These things can be valuable by themselves if they make you feel better, and may eventually lead you to take some concrete steps toward overcoming your addiction.

"On the road to recovery", every addict goes through a phase where they realize they are addicted, and that their behavior is inconsistent with how they want to lead their lives.

Do you think it would help to tell your wife that you are addicted and that you've been using in secret? Do you think she is, or might be on the verge of becoming an addict too?

Do you think your relationship with your parents could be the root of some of the problems that you are having? Particularly since addiction and your mental health is leading you to the point of having suicidal thoughts, it sounds like prioritizing your well-being over the wishes of your parents is a good idea. It might be better to cancel your plans with them, as long as you don't end up binging on coke for a week instead. I'm not sure how expensive or successful rehab is, but a week in rehab might be a better way to spend your time.

Talking about problems is often necessary to overcoming them. If you get to a point where you are able to focus on other people rather than dealing with your own problems, that would super, but it's not where you're at right now. Trying to overcome addiction and not killing yourself is enough to deal with for now.

You're not a piece of shit. You have inherent worth as a human being.

@may71 thanks for the thoughtful reply. I wanted to do the cool multi-quote thing you did in the post above, but I couldn't figure it out.

Its funny you ask if I've told my wife that I'm addicted. I actually JUST texted her a few minutes ago saying that I need to quit and that I might need help. I have not yet admitted to her that I've been using in secret. As far as her usage...I'd say she's more "on the verge" rather than "already addicted." (my non-scientific opinion) It'll be good for both of us to stop using.

My parents are definitely one of the roots of my issues. I definitely inherited anxiety from my mother and depression from my father. Unfortunately, I cannot cancel this trip, gonna have to just white-knuckle my way through it. It'll be a challenge and I foresee myself retreating to this forum for support throughout the visit. (thank you all)

Currently hating myself, on the verge of tears and my stomach is in knots. AKA "Monday morning" Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement...this forum is becoming a great outlet for me during these times.

 

[may71]

thanks for the thoughtful reply

You're welcome!

I wanted to do the cool multi-quote thing you did in the post above, but I couldn't figure it out.

If you highlight text, a window will pop up with a "reply" link. There may be more than one way to do it, but that's how I did it.

Unfortunately, I cannot cancel this trip

Why not?

Currently hating myself, on the verge of tears and my stomach is in knots

 

[Depressed in SF]

@may71 "can't" cancel the trip because it cost a lot of money and this is the first time in 13 years that I'll be spending Thanksgiving with my family. Lots of excitement/expectations around us making this trip. On the plus side, I'll be thousands of miles away from all my drug-triggering people/places/things.

As for my extreme depression/anxiety this morning...its normal for me on most Mon/Tue/Wed mornings to feel this way. Its probably due to the binging I've done in the previous few days. Self-inflicted pain, apparently my favorite kind.