Don't see the point anymore...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by acarina, Oct 28, 2009.

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  1. acarina

    acarina New Member

    I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, though it probably became 'clinical' when I was around 12. I've been diagnosed with major depression since, and survived a previous suicide attempt some years ago. I stopped getting therapy when I could no longer afford to, and haven't been able to get help since because I don't have the money.

    I don't see my life going anywhere, and have felt this way for the past two or three years. I've made some attempts to 'live better': I managed to scrape together enough cash to see a shrink and stay on meds for a while (which didn't work), continued going to school, got a job... Doesn't sound like much, but I also suffer from severe social anxiety - which brings me to my next point...

    I have been just 'depressed' before, but was able to manage it, and never completely lost my will to be alive. The social anxiety, which developed about five years ago, has isolated me from everyone I know and made me unable to make any new friends at all. I can't have even a brief conversation with anyone without having a panic attack, and even have trouble communicating with immediate family members. Of course this makes me extremely lonely and more depressed... it didn't help that it was my birthday recently. Not a single person called, relative or friend, to wish me a happy birthday. My family treated it like any other day, and I spent most of the day alone crying and falling asleep.

    I feel defective, and I now feel too old to be feeling this way. I don't have the financial resources to get better, and nobody I know cares to acknowledge that I have mental issues... my parents won't acknowledge that I'm depressed, and tell me I'm just being lazy and selfish. I don't think I *really* want to die, but I feel like it's the only option I have.

    Everyone keeps saying that suicide is 'selfish,' but I really do feel like dying would be the most selfless thing I'd do in my life. I'm a financial burden to my parents, and much of my family stopped talking to me a long time ago - I have a hard time believing they'd be traumatized by this. I don't have any friends anymore, so there are even fewer people who would miss me. I just take up space, basically, and I have nothing to contribute to the world.

    I don't think I can cope with the pain, sadness and loneliness anymore. I would try to keep fighting if I felt people truly cared about me, or if I could afford to pay for therapy and medication. As it stands all I can do is 'try to feel better' and it hasn't been working for years.

    Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this if you have. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm at a loss as to what I can do, and have been thinking about suicide 24/7. It's tough...
  2. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    You seem to be very depressed. My brother, me and a person here and most likley others have been helped by a drug called mirtazapine. Someone here was on a dose of 45mg, my brother is too, and it was fantastic. It doesn't have the side effects of the other anti-depressants and is more effective. Don't give up, depression can be treated. You look at some of the horror stories here, some of them seem to have no treatment as there is so much suffering from untreatable violent wounds and years of abuse. Those people can get support but what else can they do? You have the privelege and freedom to be able to treat your depression. Do some research into SSRI's, tricyclic anti-depressants, tetracyclic antidepressants, anti-psychotics, anxiolytics (and not just the addictive ones), find a way of seeing a doctor and sort your life out ^__^ don't despair - there's hope. TAKE CHARGE
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 28, 2009
  3. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    Hello acarina, it's very hard when you think nobody cares about you, but many times people are actually afraid, don't know what to say, don't understand. They do care but don't know how to react. Have you tried to change medications? Sometimes it takes several different meds until you find the one that works best for you. Hope you post here more and maybe you won't feel so alone and desperate any more.
  4. acarina

    acarina New Member

    Thank you both for your kind words. I tried to sort myself out from yesterday's mood by sleeping for a long time...

    I agree with both of you that medication is probably a route I need to take, though I've tried numerous SSRIs and weak anxiolytics to no good effect. I've been wanting to try an MAOI, but the process of getting prescribed one seems tough unless I land myself in a mental hospital first.

    I've been wanting to seek help for a while now, but as I said in my original post, I can't afford it. I'm unemployed, my parents have no money to speak of, and we're all uninsured. I saw a school counselor recently, hoping they'd be able to help me in some way, but the most they could do is refer me to a psychiatrist. Despite the circumstances, I can't afford to pay that much for consultation fees and the actual meds, and I know for certain my parents will refuse to spot me any money on this.

    I guess you could say I feel like there's no solution to this. If I were wealthy and insured I'd probably be getting some help, but I am neither and don't have the resources to be helped. I've tried looking into free clinics, but those were a bust as well... Overall, I feel like my only option is to live with the misery, or to kill myself - but I can't use the latter as a 'cry for help' because I can't afford, financially, to come out alive and deal with the consequences of doing so.

    Either way, thanks for replying...
  5. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    Acarina I do hope you can find some way to start therapy and medication. I'm not from the States so I can't offer you possibilities, but I'm sure something can be done. Have you tried everything? If nothing else please try to post here more, someone will have an idea what you could do and you'll get support. Hope to hear more from you, don't give up! :)
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Acarina, Welcome to the forums.. Why don't you call your hospital and ask for mental health.. Ask them if there are any clinics for low income patients.. I go thru an organization called ACT.. They provide me with a shrink every three months and they get my meds at a big discount..Some I pay $2.00 for and the most expensive one I pay $27.00 for..It's worth checking into..
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