Don't See the Point

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by u6s5l., Oct 14, 2012.

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  1. u6s5l.

    u6s5l. Member

    This is going to be a long post. Sorry about that.

    I'm a male college student who is having suicidal thoughts. There is a part of me that's writing this that wants to talk to someone before because I am not 100% certain I want to do it, but with every passing hour it seems like it's the only way to escape some of the pain that I feel. As a summary of what brought about this:

    I've struggled with depression for 4-5 years. However, in the past few months, I really began to fight it off. It was like fighting shadows, but I immersed myself in work to get myself to where I wanted to be with my goals, and it really looked like it was paying off. I felt happier, I worried less, and I felt better overall. However, this weekend, it all came back like some kind of creeping feeling that snuck up on me from nowhere.

    Besides the fact that I feel insufficient and insignificant while filling out the applications to transfer to a good college, as opposed to the one I'm currently at (which I'm at because I was rejected from even mediocre ones even with good grades and scores), I feel insufficient and insignificant among my friends. It doesn't seem like I can trust any of them, because they have always betrayed that trust. They don't seem to want me around, and hardly talk to me even when I am here.

    This weekend that culminated when I visited one of the colleges I was going to apply to. I showed up in good spirits as I have been for so long, only to get on the wrong bus. Then when I walked for 2 hours with suitcase and backpack in hand (still trying to be positive about the fact that I was walking through dangerous areas), I finally arrived at my friend's apartment in which I was staying at around 7PM. I asked my friends to come with me to explore the nightlife around the campus, but they refused because they were "tired" and suggested I go myself. While doing that I was walking down the sidewalk when a man attempted to mug me, pulling a knife on me and telling me to empty my pockets, in other words of course. I ran in the opposite direction, almost getting hit by a car in doing so. At that point, I came back to the apartment, only to find that my friends, who were too "tired", had gone out.

    As if that wasn't enough for a first night, I should preface this by saying that I was in a relationship with the girl from whom I got my first kiss, and did everything but lose my virginity to, for 10 months. We broke up about a month ago when she left for college, but she insisted that she still has strong feelings for me. She was still my best friend before this weekend, by a long shot.

    This weekend, she began by practically ignoring me. After telling me she wanted to talk to me, she ended up flirting extensively with another guy and leaving. That was just night 1.

    The next morning, I woke up at 7:30 and left for Starbucks, thinking that if I could get some work done I'd feel better. I did, to a certain extent, but at times it was hard to focus because I was being led on by my ex, who was giving me mixed messages. My friends, who were supposed to call me so we could all go to brunch, never did. When I finally finished working at 4:00PM, I walked back to the apartment and had to wait outside for 40 minutes so the person with the keys could get out of the shower.

    I tried to be positive, and said that the party that was going to happen that night would make up for it. Little did I know that it wouldn't. After being extremely led on by my ex, who even toyed with me insofar as she kissed my neck and cheek and was about to kiss me on my lips before she pulled away and said she'd rather leave with me, before turning around and walking back to talk to other guys, I was feeling confused when I saw her flirting with other guys. I confronted her about it outside the party, and she told me she enjoyed leading other guys on because she liked the attention, but that I was the only one she had feelings for.

    At the end of the party, she left with another guy. Not me.

    So here I sit, waiting for my plane to go back home. I wasted $600 on this trip, and as a college student I don't exactly have tons of money to begin with, nor do my parents. I feel that I've not only wasted money and a weekend, I wasted 10 months in a relationship with a girl who was my first kiss and meant the world to me only to find out that she's likely lied to me the entire time and cheated on me, judging by her behavior. I found that my friends seem to not actually be my friends, and despite all my work, I feel inadequate. I feel unnecessary, like an annoying person who wastes the time of others.

    I feel like the only escape from all this pain is suicide, and I desperately want there to be some other way, but it seems like there isn't one, because over 1/3 of my life (and the past 4-5 years consecutively) has been spent in depression so deep that no medicine seems to be able to help. I just don't know why I should bother anymore.

    Thanks for taking the time to read this at least (if you do).
  2. ksmith86

    ksmith86 Well-Known Member

    Hey U6, I read the whole thing. Your girl seems to be similar to mine. I'm actually in a really screwed up situation now because of exactly the kind of behavior you were describing. Wish I knew then what I know now. Atleast you still have your freedom and the ability to move on! I don't have that option anymore. I'll impart some wisdom to you.

    I know it hurts... But trust me, it WILL get better. The girl probably was never lying to you, she's just a woman. All most women care about (especially young ones) is feeling special and getting attention from new guys that they don't take for granted yet. You'll never win no matter how much she loves you, and if you let her string you along because she's too afraid either let go, or commit to you, youre going to end up with a lot more heartbreak than you currently have and your life could end up collapsing due to the stress of worrying about her. She ignores you because her attention is elsewhere (other guys, new friends, whatever) NOT because she doesn't love you (in my opinion). So I'd let that go! Find someone younger than you who will think that you're just the COOLEST most experienced guy they've ever laid their eyes upon, and use them to become the strong, independent man you were meant to be.

    You've still got a lot of years left to find true love, just stay focused on yourself. Join a gym. Get frignn BUFF. Start a popular blog about videogames or tennis or whatever else interests you. Use to find small social events near you, who knows you might meet somebody. Get a dog. Save money. If you're legitimately depressed, get on meds. Talk to other girls (even though it doesn't feel the same, believe me I know). All this stuff helps, trust me.

    As far as your friends go... I wouldn't take that personally either. People have a hard time putting themselves in other people's shoes, they probably didn't consider your feelings. Takes a long time to learn how to be considerate. And the mugging... come on, that's just bad luck.

    You've got a bright future infront of you IF you don't let yourself get caught up in this black hole of despair you've fallen into (by no fault of your own). Stay positive friend!
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2012
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You hun deserve so much better then that ex She will never be faithful and it is a good lesson now to learn ok so you can move on and meet someone that deserves your love. You go out attend new activities in the college you go to and meet new friends one that don't dismiss you You will meet new people and college life is so much better more maturity there
    Your depression talk to your doctor there are new drugs new therapies that you can try and make sure the councilor at your new school knows about the depression so you have support w hen you get there. Your life is just starting so please don't give up now hugs
  4. u6s5l.

    u6s5l. Member

    Honestly, I read everything you're saying and I understand it in some small corner of my mind, but overwhelmingly I doubt it. I feel like if things don't somehow shape up in the next few hours, I'll be committing suicide. I just don't know how to deal with the pain anymore. It's been so long without hope, and when I finally get it, it's grasped from me violently and I end up worse off. I take one step forward only to be pushed back two. And now, all this just makes me cry, like a child, and I haven't cried in a long time. I don't know how it'll ever get better. Everyone says that it will, but the question I have is WHEN. At first, I admit, I was just waiting for it to fix itself. But for over 2 years I've taken an active role in trying to better my life and myself, and it seems that it was all in vain, because I have nothing to show for it. WHEN will it get better, if not already? I don't think it will.
  5. ksmith86

    ksmith86 Well-Known Member

    Ok, this is all just opinion based on what I've seen in my own life.

    It gets better when the major parts of your life don't make you sad anymore.

    Major parts being: How you feel about yourself, your friends, your job, your sex life, your health, your freedom, your popularity, your respect, etc.

    Those things don't get better without work. Fortunately you don't have to wait for everything to be EXACTLY where you want it to be happy. Infact the slightest improvement in any of these areas is usually enough to produce whatever seratonin or other brain chemicals needed to make you feel "happy".

    Easiest thing to fix is your self esteem. That's why I mentioned the gym. It takes NO TIME to loose a few lbs or build enough muscle to make a noticable difference. These things affect how people see you, and everything starts falling into place after that. The women come easier which make you not care about any of the other BS in your life. You'll be acting more confident and care-free which will pretty much let you accomplish anything you want.

    Just takes time and a little work.

    As for WHEN?

    If you make it through the night you'll be feeling slightly better tomorrow. If you take my advice on the gym thing... You'll be sad and distracted your first couple of weeks there. Then once you start seeing results you'll feel like a badass.

    So you could be reasonably happy in about 2 weeks. You'll notice people start to treat you differently too.

    If you want you can text me or something, I know you're in crisis right now. Might help to talk to someone. PM me if ya want
  6. u6s5l.

    u6s5l. Member

    I'm standing at a train station. The car comes in 7 minutes. I am considering being in front of it.
  7. u6s5l.

    u6s5l. Member

    Some of the chat members convinced me not to do it. I'm still considering it, but I hope they were right and I shouldn't have.
  8. ksmith86

    ksmith86 Well-Known Member

    Woot! You can always change your mind later anyways. One day at a time bro
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