This is going to be a long post. Sorry about that. I'm a male college student who is having suicidal thoughts. There is a part of me that's writing this that wants to talk to someone before because I am not 100% certain I want to do it, but with every passing hour it seems like it's the only way to escape some of the pain that I feel. As a summary of what brought about this: I've struggled with depression for 4-5 years. However, in the past few months, I really began to fight it off. It was like fighting shadows, but I immersed myself in work to get myself to where I wanted to be with my goals, and it really looked like it was paying off. I felt happier, I worried less, and I felt better overall. However, this weekend, it all came back like some kind of creeping feeling that snuck up on me from nowhere. Besides the fact that I feel insufficient and insignificant while filling out the applications to transfer to a good college, as opposed to the one I'm currently at (which I'm at because I was rejected from even mediocre ones even with good grades and scores), I feel insufficient and insignificant among my friends. It doesn't seem like I can trust any of them, because they have always betrayed that trust. They don't seem to want me around, and hardly talk to me even when I am here. This weekend that culminated when I visited one of the colleges I was going to apply to. I showed up in good spirits as I have been for so long, only to get on the wrong bus. Then when I walked for 2 hours with suitcase and backpack in hand (still trying to be positive about the fact that I was walking through dangerous areas), I finally arrived at my friend's apartment in which I was staying at around 7PM. I asked my friends to come with me to explore the nightlife around the campus, but they refused because they were "tired" and suggested I go myself. While doing that I was walking down the sidewalk when a man attempted to mug me, pulling a knife on me and telling me to empty my pockets, in other words of course. I ran in the opposite direction, almost getting hit by a car in doing so. At that point, I came back to the apartment, only to find that my friends, who were too "tired", had gone out. As if that wasn't enough for a first night, I should preface this by saying that I was in a relationship with the girl from whom I got my first kiss, and did everything but lose my virginity to, for 10 months. We broke up about a month ago when she left for college, but she insisted that she still has strong feelings for me. She was still my best friend before this weekend, by a long shot. This weekend, she began by practically ignoring me. After telling me she wanted to talk to me, she ended up flirting extensively with another guy and leaving. That was just night 1. The next morning, I woke up at 7:30 and left for Starbucks, thinking that if I could get some work done I'd feel better. I did, to a certain extent, but at times it was hard to focus because I was being led on by my ex, who was giving me mixed messages. My friends, who were supposed to call me so we could all go to brunch, never did. When I finally finished working at 4:00PM, I walked back to the apartment and had to wait outside for 40 minutes so the person with the keys could get out of the shower. I tried to be positive, and said that the party that was going to happen that night would make up for it. Little did I know that it wouldn't. After being extremely led on by my ex, who even toyed with me insofar as she kissed my neck and cheek and was about to kiss me on my lips before she pulled away and said she'd rather leave with me, before turning around and walking back to talk to other guys, I was feeling confused when I saw her flirting with other guys. I confronted her about it outside the party, and she told me she enjoyed leading other guys on because she liked the attention, but that I was the only one she had feelings for. At the end of the party, she left with another guy. Not me. So here I sit, waiting for my plane to go back home. I wasted $600 on this trip, and as a college student I don't exactly have tons of money to begin with, nor do my parents. I feel that I've not only wasted money and a weekend, I wasted 10 months in a relationship with a girl who was my first kiss and meant the world to me only to find out that she's likely lied to me the entire time and cheated on me, judging by her behavior. I found that my friends seem to not actually be my friends, and despite all my work, I feel inadequate. I feel unnecessary, like an annoying person who wastes the time of others. I feel like the only escape from all this pain is suicide, and I desperately want there to be some other way, but it seems like there isn't one, because over 1/3 of my life (and the past 4-5 years consecutively) has been spent in depression so deep that no medicine seems to be able to help. I just don't know why I should bother anymore. Thanks for taking the time to read this at least (if you do).