i really dont think i can do this anymore. i mean i am at the worst right now and this christmas is the worst i have ever felt. i have lost everything that has ever mattered to me.. christmas is suppose to be a time of happiness a time to spend with family and friends , yet in all reality i have no family really, no friends close by really.. my brother is spending christmas with his wifes mom, chirstmas dinner the whole works, my botyfriend is out of state with his family, so its me and dad spending christmas well i ask a simple question where a person could get a free christmas dinner at i get no replies for 2 days then last night, get this - i get a reply with a photo of a banquet 88 cent dinner which is bearly enough to feed or fill up anyone and a reply that simply just says get this at walleyworld ( wallmart ) well dang it thats not what i asked.. i asked if any place in this town was giving free christmas dinners to families who will not have any this year.. i did not ask for food or a hand out although i am very low, all i asked was if there was any place giving a free christmas dinner.. people these days are so cold and so mean.. they have not got a bit of love in them and i do not think ministers do either.. they are all cold and heartless.. i cant stand it anymore.. i am so sick of thios shit.. i am sick of this life, i am sick of being treated so god dang bad.. people wont be satisfied or even happy until they learn of my death, well i am going to give them what they want.. i am going to give them me lying in that coffin.. let them go on and be happy, let them go on and hurt someone else. dang gome it they think i am not very seriouse all the more better for me.. so screw them all.. i have had it with this dang life.. it has been torment upon torment and theres only one way to stop it.. only one way.. i just wonder have they ever hurt with pain before? have they ever done without food? have they ever been lonely? no probably not.. so while there out having the time of there lifes , being all happy and having loving family members around them i will lay down and go to sleep for the last time.. yep , i know what will happen then.. the blame will be all gone, they will say we tried to help her, we loved her, we cared for her, yep they will try and push the blame upon everyone else but themselves and yet in all reality they played a major part in all of it.. they planted the hurting seeds inside my heart, they planted the pain with words and actions.. so screw them all. and so what, even if my dang cancer is doormat it doesnt matter cause their never going to understand the pain, the weaknesss, the hurting, never understand it. i did my best but my best is not good.. i am not good enough for them.. dang minister told me at church i was close to your house the other day, yep went and visited my neighbor.. did not even make time to stop in and sday just a small little hello to me.. yep thats pure christian love isint it? heck hear them talking at church and thanking each other for the lovely christmas cards, did i get one? heck no , did i send any out ? heck yes. to everyone of them.. i am treated and seen as nothing but a pieace of garbage.. heck when my trailer was set on fire by arson November 16, it was put in the local paper, minister said he seen it in there, but do they even care just how bad that hurt me? heck no not a bit of love from them whatsoever.. heck half has not even believed me.. i got the photos to post online about what is left of it but no dang money to develope the photos yet, cause it has to be put on cd so i can put it in my computer.. no passion, no love from them whatsoever and i am hurting.. hurting deeply, i dont even get a freeking hug, or hi we have missed you. i am worthless.. might as well concider me worthless cause that is exactly what i am , just concider me as a piece of paper roll that sucker up into a ball and through me away.. cause i am garbage i am not worth saving, i am not worth anything.. they never really cared or loved me at all.. just like the God dang daltons, yep say you love me and want the best for me yet your actions prove a different side to you.. and no i am not in any way going to freeking lie and admit to something i never did just to make you happy and if your waiting on that then you got a long wait because when you die and face God you will know you made a mistake and misjudged me.. i tried reconciliation but you dont love me nor want that so take your own lies ( yes they are lies cause when you say you loved me you flat out lied to my face both of you did ) .. heck everyone else does it, they lie to me.. they say they love me then leave me.. well guess what? take my life, my soul, cruple it up into a ball like paper and throw me away.. its not like you cant do it..