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Dont think i can hold on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Jul 23, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    I dont think i can hold on anymore.... The pain tonight is so severe and i took pain meds but it is not helping.. I want to just end it.. i just cant see no way i can continue on.. i cant do this.. i cant fight this pain...

    i have to meet with hospice in a few days and then i would have to wait until the dang paperwork went through before i could get any pain meds or care and with me not having insurance chances are they can not help me...

    i dont think i can take this pain.. i have tried , God knows how much i tried but it is so hard to not give up and give in and that is the only way i see it right now... i cant fight this.. i cant win it...

    And i dont have any friends close by, the only ones who seem to be my friends are all of you online here and i dont know how long that will last cause everytime i lose. people come to know me and pretend or say they love me then they dump me , either i drive them away or do something stupid but yet they leave..

    i,ve lost everyone that has ever cared for me.. i lost the daltons , i lost the love of my best friend in high school who killed herself , i lost my best boyfriend i ever had to a drunk driver.. nothing ever stays with me... i lose it as fast i get them.. And i cant get them back.. The daltons dont care for me they never did , i cant bring my friend and boyfriend back from the grave.. i lost my mom to a cancer that will take me away... i cant win for losing anymore...

    I have tried to help others here but i cant do that while i am in a lot of pain.. i tried to do it to ease the pain but it has not helped. i tried to get the thoughts off my mind about this pain but it is so hard and hurts so bad.. I have never in my life felt anything like this pain that i am feeling.. I dont even know any more which pain is worse the physical pain of cancer or the emotional pain of losing the daltons and everyone i ever cared about...

    to others i am a stupid crazy lady with all her emotions all torn up or rather screwed up, but deep inside my heart is hurt and bleeding for releaf.. releaf from a physical pain of a cancer i cant stop that is real.. releaf from an emotional pain that my mind is not at rest because i dont know what happened and cant fix it without knowing.. Do you know what its like to know that something went wrong and that yourself is to blame yet you dont know what it was that went wrong?? Do you know what its like to deeply love and care for someone then find out that that person was hurt because of either an act you do or someone in your family did and you dont know what it was just that it caused the ones you loved so deeply to hate you so much? Do you know what its like knowing these things on your death bed , knowing you have little time to live and that you will go on into eternity not knowing what happened or even a chance to apologize from your heart? Do you know or can you understand the physical pain and emotional pain to battle two illneses at one time? Do you know the demand upon a heart and soul that it causes and the hurt?

    People say im brave , but i dont see how i can be brave anymore... I cant fight this anymore.. there is nothing left for me anymore... I will never know the truth of what happened? i will never see the daltons again , nor speak with them and i loved them so much. i dearly loved them yet they are now just like my mom is to me.. they are now dead to me and i need to let go.. let go of this life for good and let this cancer and emotional pain win cause its going to win in the end...

    i am even afraid to speak here of my feelings of wanting to end it again because of fear that it will hurt others and i want no more hurt or pain upon anyone else.

    my name of white dove is so true right now.. i am like a white dove , a bird with a broken wing, unable to fly , i have a broken heart , i have a broken emotional pain , i have a hard physical pain that is like nothing i have ever felt before.. without those online here i am totally along when i log of except for an occasional visit from my nieces or nephew wanting to borrow surgar or something...

    i dont think i can do this anymore.. i dont see how i can.. what point is in trying to hold on.. it was a hope of getting just a phone call or a visit from the daltons.. i dont want to push them away or smother them with any love. thats not what i need cause i am unloveable by them or anyone else. i am just a broken little bird with a broken heart and wings.. i just need my mind at ease before i go to the Lord..

    i know i am seen as walling in my own self pity , was even told here that i am... but it is a deep pain that i cant comprehend it .. a deep physical pain that is taking me down and the emotional pain is bringing me deeper and deeper in the ground.. it might seem like walling in self pity to those who dont understand but to me it is not a self pity at all , it is a pain that even i cant understand.

    Having this cancer is not fun.. having this pain is not fun.. having the emotional pain is a battle and a battle between it and the physical is just too much for this little white dove , just too much...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 23, 2007
  2. White Dove,

    There is nothing wrong with wallowing in self-pity from time to time. You are dealing with A LOT.

    We all deserve to have some sympathy thrown our way. Most people have a strong support system to encourage them and offer consolation. They don't have to nurse their own wounds, so the idea of someone else needing to do this is foreign to them. They can't understand it.
  3. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    You cannot drive me away hun...I will be there for you to the best of my ability. You will not lose the friends you have made here. We truly care about you and I am praying for you. You have lost a LOT in your life, but you will not lose me :hug:

    And never feel bad about expressing your true feelings to us here. That is what we are here for...to listen and offer our love and support.
  4. roro

    roro Well-Known Member


    you are not alone. sometimes my baseline dose is just not enough to help the pain, and nothing helps. i have vicodin for breakthrough but sometimes nothign works.

    I am sorry you are going through emotional pain too. do they know you are dying? and they still wont talk to you?

    i am not even terminal yet, and I still dont want to live. sometimes its just overwhelming. i have looked into moving to oregon for assisted suicide.

    and I know there is nothing i can say to help your pain. i hate when people tell me "be strong" or "just think happy thoughts" or some crap like that.

    do you have a pain management doctor? maybe you could get a morphine pump? i know when i feel really bad its because i need more pain meds.
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thanks SA and Peanut... for your kind words..

    and roro , my family does not yet know.. dont really know how to tell them... my current minister knows by a email i sent him and he told me sunday he got the e-mail and said he would keep me in his prayers.. i asked him not to tell anyone at church at least not until i get home bound , dont want anyone feeling sorry for me , never wanted that at all , although others that do not know this emotional pain have thought that way of me..

    The Daltons? Perhaps they do know but that depends upon them coming here to read about it or not which i am pretty sure they have read it by now and if they have then they know my true deep pain cause it is here online in the posts that i make.. Perhaps they really never did care and i was a fool and i was stupid to believe they did , i should have known that when they said they loved me it was a lie , no one can love me , i mean truly love me is not possiable cause i am unlovable. but i am glad there is a place like this i can come to and post my true deep hurtful feelings on that will not be judged upon or accused by the other members here as wanting attention cause others here know exactly what i feel.

    i guess when i speak of the pain and how it feels like hard cramps and hurts and like things eating or crawling inside your body and you cant stop it that you know what it feels like? All i have is not strong enough and me without insurance doesnt help much with things.. i did have the state tenn-care once which would have paid for the pain meds but i was one of the lucky ones to get taken off of it so the state could save money , still havent been put back on and now i am afraid that i will not even be able to get on hospice and if that be the case then there is no way i am going to go through so much pain without ending my life... it is already hard to bear and i am trying to stay strong but i dont think i can with this hard pain.. i honestly dont think i can hold on...
  6. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    They are not just words sweetheart. You have a beautiful soul :hug:
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I can't even begin to pretend I know the pain you are dealing with. I know it is horrendous after watching several of my family members die of various cancers. they held on until it was there time to go. It was painful for me to watch them suffer so, but they still had things to continue to fight for. I do not wish to see you in pain WD, nor do I wish to see you end your own life. Hang on until after you have met with hospice and see what choices they have to offer you. Maybe they will have one that can help. You are in my thoughts and prayers always. Take care. :hug:
  8. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    My grandfather battled cancer from the time I was in sixth grade until my freshman year, and that damned cancer took everything...

    I can never forgive myself, because the last time I had a chance to see him, I was sick so I slept, and then I felt better a little later (if I had only slept in the car...)

    Hang on tight, sweetie. No one can do it alone.
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