dont think i can keep going any longer....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sdcg76, Sep 1, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. sdcg76

    sdcg76 Member

    I doubt if anyone will read this but I'm writing this to keep me from doing something stupid...People like to tell you that things will get better and suicide is a permanent "solution" to your problem, but how much more pain and suffering must I keep going through to find the 'better' in my "life?" I'm not living, I'm existing...Not wanting to leave my house except when necessary is not living. Praying that when I finally do get to sleep at night to never wake up again is not living...Yes have two happy things that I think of that keep me from ending it all (graduating in March with my Business Degree and a friend I like, though he'll will probably never know since we haven't seen each other face to face), but I'm not sure that those are going to be enough soon...I'm tired of being here,no friends,no family, no job, no money, I still have a roof (thank goodness) but that can soon be gone too, which is ok since that's part of why I want to die (exhusband used to beat me in here, holes in walls,etc.) and I'm tired of my teenager making me feel like crap (I know it's the whole teen thing, but enough already!) And I want to move out of this one horse town, yes I know all my baggage is still going to be with me but I need to get out of here...I just don't know how much more of this I can take....
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    if leaving will give you that sense of saftey that sense of fulfulling something just for you then do it. Pick yourself up be proud of your graduation and get a new job a new house a new start and odn't let anyone know where that is okay. YOur child is a teenager they all act like that like we are nothing because at that stage the only people t hat matter are their friends only.

    I think you need to get help just for you now okay therapy to get you strong so you face the world without anyone okay on your own independant and free to just do things for you take care of you okay please
     
  3. sdcg76

    sdcg76 Member

    Thanks Violet! I did just get myself back into therapy. I am very exicted about graduation, 3/6/11, the only thing is I know that unlike others I am not going to have a guest list of supporters to invite, but I am used to this fact for I have been pretty much in this by myself all my life...so I am Miss Independent! I have had some not so nice words said to me since I have been thinking diferently in terms of a new start with just me (my son would live with his dad, people seem to think I'd be leaving him in a dumpster or something?!) but I think he needs to see something new too since it's so bad living with me, we shall see...again thank you for listening!
     
  4. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Hey sdcg, sorry to hear that things haven't been the best for you. I just have a little nit-picky question about your son-- is he going to be living with the person who used to beat you? Part of the reason why he is acting so terrible towards you may be in reaction to witnessing the abuse that you suffered at the hands of your husband, and if he is indeed going to live with that same man, I'm not so sure that's the best idea. It's your decision, and I hope for your son that he is not going to be living with an abusive man, but if he is, then I would urge you to rethink that decision.

    It sounds as if you have a lot of things going for you! Graduating will open so many doors for you to explore, and moving out of your home of memories would probably be for the best. There is still so much time for you to create a different life for you, years and years waiting for you to fill them with only the best you can find. The fact is that you can do it, too. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now. I've been where you are, wishing that I could drop into a dream and never wake up. But morning always comes, and the next day waiting to be lived. If you don't mind me asking, where is your family? Do you have anyone close to you that you can just vent to or talk to? What about friends from your classes? There's still time to turn this around.

    --ThinkingCap
     
  5. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    It does sound as though you are going through a tough time. I applaud you for going back to school and getting your life back on track. Teenagers...need I say more? Laughs. You can make it through this, you are already making some vast improvements! I have an ex husband too, and it took a while to figure out that I had to do some soul searching to rediscover who I am and who I wanna be. I decided I was not going to be the same girl that married him! Having kids does make us lose sight of our identity I have to admit, but it isn't lost forever! Your kid wen through some trauma too so please understand that communication is the best thing, and hugs and kisses. You can never have too many of them. :D I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings..
     
  6. sdcg76

    sdcg76 Member

    Hi ThinkingCap, no my exhusband is not his dad. I'm not even 110% sure if I'm sending him there, he's just made it well known he doesn't want to move and that's understandable, we'll shall see...

    My "family" of my mom and older sister are here in the same city but I choose not to be around them. My "mom" has dementia and was an alcoholic and very verbally abusive andmy sister is bipolar and an alcoholic. As for extended family I have no idea because I've only been told bits and and pieces all my life(dad died when I was 3 months old).

    And the only person that I really vent to is my T, well IRL that is. I tried talking to acquaintences but that's not for me. And my classmates are webmates since I go to school online. I am very, very thankful for all my friends online (one in particular whom I refered to in the 1st post!), I know some people don't understand that, but they have pulled me through!!

    Thank you so much for your kind words and listening, I'm trying to get it together, just seems somedays are neverending...
     
  7. sdcg76

    sdcg76 Member

    Thank you so much for the wonderful words of encouragement, it really means alot!!!!
     
  8. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Okay, well then maybe it would be for the best if your son moved out for awhile, just so that when you two got back together there's less of a chance of there being so much negativity. Maybe you two could talk things out then? I completely understand your online friends helping you through-- they're people too, doesn't matter much if you meet them in real life or not. Since you're already back in therapy, and have some semblence of a plan for how to move forward, I think you'll be just fine. Keep your head up, though, even when the rain's beating in your eyes. All you need to do is continue looking at your goals and aspirations, and what you need to do for yourself to reach them.

    --ThinkingCap
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.