Don't think I can make it through this.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xxmegz, Dec 15, 2011.

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  1. xxmegz

    xxmegz New Member

    I need help. Please, someone. I am begging for help. I have nowhere else to go. I have no friends. I've been in emergency and the cops have been here. I've done what I was supposed to do to "save my life" , but it can't work forever.

    I've been severley depressed ever since I was a young child. Now I'm 22 years old, almost 23. And facing the hardest thing I ever have dealt with - watching my mom die. I've been suicidal for years. This past year has been increasingly worse. Everything has fallen apart from a horrible ex boyfriend, my mom being diagnosed with cancer, SH, health issues and family problems. I am not wanted. The only person that wants me alive is my mom.

    I have a boyfriend now who does nothing for me, but makes me believe I'm better off with him. (And yes I know, I realize this and am still too stupid to leave), he makes me hang out with people everyday who don't care about me, but he says are my "friends", my moms entire family believe I am a true failure, I just can't do anything right. I don't work, haven't finished high school. I mess up everything. I hate being sick all the time.

    The only reason I'm asking for help is because I don't know what to do! I found out 3 days ago, the cancer my mom has been fighting for 4 years is finally taking over. Their stopping treatment. Its gotten too far and her body can't handle it anymore. I don't even have anybody to talk to. Not one person. I beg my boyfriend all the time to let me talk to him but he just doesn't care. I feel scared. My body hasn't stopped shaking, I can't stop crying, my heart feels like its trying to jump out of my body and I can't make it stop. I told my boyfriend I'm scared I'm going to have a heart attack if this doesn't stop, and he just told me not to worry about that I can't have a heart attack.

    I need to be there for my mom, this is really it. This is the last time I have with her, and I can't. I can't stop freaking out. I can't control myself. I can't be there to comfort her and say it'll be okay. But this is it. I want to end it all. I know at least now, it might be hard, but I won't see her suffer. If any "myths" are true, we can be together after. I can't live with myself knowing I spent 22 years not telling her I loved her. And starting now seems so...I dont know. Odd. Like we all know its just the end so we want to do what we can, but I can't do it. I can't deal with all of this.

    And what happens if I end up making it through all this to later deal with the fact of things I never did ... - say I love you, cook, clean, do everything for her. I don't want to deal with this emotion anymore. Please somebody what do I do? Please help me , please. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense or bad typos, I can barely see the screen I'm crying so hard.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You know your bf is not good for you, he is not supporting you through this terrible time. Perhaps it's time to make a change? Maybe the thought of losing you will make him realise he is being selfish and unsupportive.
    It is OK to freak out. Let it happen, try to come out of the other side. Then hopefully you can do as you want to do and support your mother.
  3. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry you are dealing with this. 10 months ago I watched my dad die of cancer. It really, really sucked, and it still kills me to think about it. If you ever want to talk, I am more than willing to listen and talk with you. Please PM me whenever.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2011
  4. nonopano

    nonopano Active Member

    I'm sorry for what is happening to you right now.

    The saddest part is really what will happen will happen. the best thing you can do right now is spent, as much as possible, all your time together with your mom. Tell her what you genuinely feel. Worry not about your boyfriend oor other things out there. The most important thing at this point is between you and yor mother. Say what you truly feel and ask her what she would like to happen in the future. Talk, listen and spend your time together with her.

    With regards to your suicidal thoughts, you know what they say regrets come when things are almost done. I'm hoping that there'd be some miracle so that shed get through all of this. In any case, obey her command. Do not commit suicide. I would say it's normal for you to have these current thoughts. However, fulfill her wishes. After all of these, learn from your mistakes and don't commit them again. Cherish your life and the lives of those around you.
  5. maries

    maries Active Member

    first off, i want to say i'm really sorry about your mother. it really sucks to have the one person who cares about you leave. i've lost my aunt and grandparents, pretty much the only people in my life who cared about me and accepted me for me, and there were so many things i couldn't say to them because they were so far away. your mom's with you and you both know what the future's gonna be like, so i advice you to tell her everything you need to. it's hard to live with regrets you can't do anything about. i'd also like to say that your bf's a jerk and you need to leave him. you might just be staying with him because you're feeling lonely, but if you have anyone, any friend, who cares about you even a little bit, you can try getting help from them. even a coworker can help. i am more than happy to listen to you, as i, too, know what it's like to lose the only people who care for you, to feel alone and disrespected by people. if you want to talk, just message me and i'm more than willing to listen. i hope everything will be ok for you.
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