don't think I will last....this is HARD...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostraven, May 10, 2011.

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  1. lostraven

    lostraven New Member

    hello all, newbie here, and feeling the way I am sure many of you feel....been unemployed for the past seven months, with no new job prospects in sight, not for my lack of trying. Have an 11 year old who I fear hates me most days, I cannot relate to her, although I am desperately trying, guess I am not "mom" material, although I know my thinking about that and observations are a direct result of this crushing depression. But how am I any good to or for her? She sees me on the verge of tears more often than not, and we have a VERY volatile relationship. Would it really matter if I were not there/here tomorrow? Probably not, she would go on and move on and live with her dad, and be fine (we are divorced ten years now). Motherhood is a huge struggle for me, especially since she is such a "spirited" child and hard to handle most of the time. i am always to blame, her young mind. Even thougH i try very very hard to be a good parent, I feel she deserves better than me. Or anything I have to offer (which isn't much, although I have HER in therapy, seeing a new doc, etc.). I guess I am not worth being eligible for that, this state i live in won't help (I have tried/been turned down) to get help for this depression, have been without insurance or depression meds of any kind since Oct. 2010.

    I was so angry and frustrated earlier tonight, that I slammed my keyring down HARD on the counter, the transmission key is nowhere to be found (I had to call AAA, that membership expires in 5 days), she is sound asleep (was overtired and VERY difficult when she is) so that is what set me sick of being expected to handle it all, when I cannot even take care of myself and don't and don't care about it at all. I have lost at least 10 or more lbs. since Dec. and don't care, I secretly wish I will get a nasty disease or incurable condition that will take me soon. I just don't care anymore, I haven't taken a shower in three days, that is the truth, because I don't care.

    I look for work, go on interviews, phone interviews, etc. to no avail. I can barely pay my rent and bills and have been struggling a LOT with finances the past months. I have to visit a food pantry every week to keep food in our cupboards and it is totally humiliating. I HATE being forced to live like this.

    OUr car is on its last leg, the brakes are going as is the transmission and we have only had it one year (not even). I broke my hand in two places two months ago now owe over $13K in medical bills which is ruining my already horrible credit. That left me with a 3.5 inch ugly scar running up my right arm, which is incredibly ugly (like I don't already feel ugly inside and out) pinky finger will never be completely 'right" again, and I am struggling with that too. I feel like the biggest loser going to check in with the ortho surgeon, the loser that has no insurance and therefore is not "allowed" to ask questions, advice, etc. I just go and get the hell out as quickly as possible.

    My retired parents are trying to be there, but I don't expect much and they don't disappoint-my mother is so passive agressive she could be the poster child for it. My father backs her up totally so that is no help.

    I jsut wonder most days what is the freaking use of staying here? Would I truly go to hell if I decided to leave on my own terms? I have been raised Catholic but am struggling with my faith in a major way, I don't even feel any belief in anything most days, only that the world would not miss me, and would keep turning without me in it. I feel like I am just "used goods" (molestation survivor) taking up space and air, and who the hell would miss me if i weren't here?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I jsut wonder most days what is the freaking use of staying here?

    You stay because your child needs you to stay and will always need her mom
    all pre teens and teens get angry at their parents they are fighting to have independance and we are an embarrassment to them we know nothing lol
    I hope you can call you doc and get on some meds for depression or get the ones you on switched or up a bit. Lot of people without jobs these days hang on okay here talk vent but don't harm you okay you child will always need mom
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry it is so difficult...are there any supports or entitlements that you would qualify for to get you through this rough time? also, have you spoken to a social worker to see if there is respite care for you and your daughter? In my geographic area, there are services such as Workforce that help with vocational retraining and placement...have you contacted any agency such as that? Please know that being depressed and going through a rough time does not make you a means you are in pain, and that is something many of us can relate to..I would love to give you a hug in RL, but I am limited to sending you one in cyber...big hugs and please PM me if you would like a listening ear (really compassionate eye as it is the internet)...J
  4. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I hope you don't mind that I put my comment in your quote. I put it in red so that it would be easier to see.
  5. lostraven

    lostraven New Member

    thanks to all of you for the support, it means more than I can say. It's been a series of one thing after another, but I know that my only option to is become the best parent that I can be, my daughter DOES need me, and I know that.

    I have thought long and hard about how it could affect her if I did something stupid, she would likely blame herself and think she did something to cause it. That is how children think, and I need to keep that foremost in my mind and my heart. How could I ever do that to her? I can't, no matter how hard life gets, she is my lifelong child and it is selfish of me to think of ever leaving her.

    It's just been a whirlwind of negative events the past months, but I keep trucking because I have no other choice. I have considered possibly trying a natural remedy for my depression, like St. John's Wort, it certainly wouldn't hurt to try it. I also know that my very poor eating habits have contributed to the depression getting worse, so I need to make some changes there as well. Also because my daughter is such a sensitive child, she picks up on my moods quite easily and I know her seeing me depressed and sad is affecting her negatively. I used to do that life 'trick" called "fake it until you make it." Smile and act "as if" you are happy, and it seems to come naturally after that. Maybe it is time to dust off that old trick and bring it back into our household?

    Thank you so much to all of you and (cyber) hugs back to you!! It is amazing what one night can do and support from great folks like you to give me strength back. (((HUGS)))
  6. Push

    Push Well-Known Member

    I'm very glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better. :hug:

    I didn't qualify for state help either but I did find resources for mental health that was based on income, some were free and some charged $20 per session. There are programs out there to help, I hope you can find one.
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