hello all, newbie here, and feeling the way I am sure many of you feel....been unemployed for the past seven months, with no new job prospects in sight, not for my lack of trying. Have an 11 year old who I fear hates me most days, I cannot relate to her, although I am desperately trying, guess I am not "mom" material, although I know my thinking about that and observations are a direct result of this crushing depression. But how am I any good to or for her? She sees me on the verge of tears more often than not, and we have a VERY volatile relationship. Would it really matter if I were not there/here tomorrow? Probably not, she would go on and move on and live with her dad, and be fine (we are divorced ten years now). Motherhood is a huge struggle for me, especially since she is such a "spirited" child and hard to handle most of the time. i am always to blame, too....in her young mind. Even thougH i try very very hard to be a good parent, I feel she deserves better than me. Or anything I have to offer (which isn't much, although I have HER in therapy, seeing a new doc, etc.). I guess I am not worth being eligible for that, this state i live in won't help (I have tried/been turned down) to get help for this depression, have been without insurance or depression meds of any kind since Oct. 2010. I was so angry and frustrated earlier tonight, that I slammed my keyring down HARD on the counter, the transmission key is nowhere to be found (I had to call AAA, that membership expires in 5 days), she is sound asleep (was overtired and VERY difficult when she is) so that is what set me off...so sick of being expected to handle it all, when I cannot even take care of myself and don't and don't care about it at all. I have lost at least 10 or more lbs. since Dec. and don't care, I secretly wish I will get a nasty disease or incurable condition that will take me soon. I just don't care anymore, I haven't taken a shower in three days, that is the truth, because I don't care. I look for work, go on interviews, phone interviews, etc. to no avail. I can barely pay my rent and bills and have been struggling a LOT with finances the past months. I have to visit a food pantry every week to keep food in our cupboards and it is totally humiliating. I HATE being forced to live like this. OUr car is on its last leg, the brakes are going as is the transmission and we have only had it one year (not even). I broke my hand in two places two months ago now owe over $13K in medical bills which is ruining my already horrible credit. That left me with a 3.5 inch ugly scar running up my right arm, which is incredibly ugly (like I don't already feel ugly inside and out)....my pinky finger will never be completely 'right" again, and I am struggling with that too. I feel like the biggest loser going to check in with the ortho surgeon, the loser that has no insurance and therefore is not "allowed" to ask questions, advice, etc. I just go and get the hell out as quickly as possible. My retired parents are trying to be there, but I don't expect much and they don't disappoint-my mother is so passive agressive she could be the poster child for it. My father backs her up totally so that is no help. I jsut wonder most days what is the freaking use of staying here? Would I truly go to hell if I decided to leave on my own terms? I have been raised Catholic but am struggling with my faith in a major way, I don't even feel any belief in anything most days, only that the world would not miss me, and would keep turning without me in it. I feel like I am just "used goods" (molestation survivor) taking up space and air, and who the hell would miss me if i weren't here?