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Don't understand what's going on

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by red, Mar 26, 2014.

  1. red

    red New Member

    Don't really know where to start so I guess I'll just pick a point...

    I'm 22 now and an only child and my father died when I was 2. I lived with my mother since then and we came from a poor background. It was a very stressful situation as my mother didn't get the support of her relatives nor friends as at that stage almost everyone was as poor as us. Furthermore, our relatives were just jealous pricks because we were well-off when my father was alive. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to leave behind much when he died because cancer treatments cost a bomb. Not being able to afford daycare, my mother set up a home business so she could work and take care of me at the same time. The business blossomed when I was about 7-8 years old and with additional responsibility comes additional stress. Being the only other being in the house, I was subject to the transference of her stress. I got screamed at for every little thing... many times when I don't even know what wrong I have done. At that age I was already contemplating running away. Part of me wished that I actually did just to see how she would react. I still remembered one time I asked her out of curiosity's sake (during a rare time when she wasn't mad at me) why she doesn't really care for me. She just replied, "Well if I'm such a bad parent, maybe I should put you up for adoption so you can look for a new set of parents. I'm sure they would do a MUCH better job." And with that the screaming started again... This continued up to my late-teens.

    I don't think I actually have a bad childhood per se - I get to play with little restriction because she has so little time for me so she couldn't really care less what I did, and I get to attend all of my friends' parties because I think it makes her job easier because then I'd be someone else's responsibility. I'm also an avid reader (something my mother claims credit for because she 'encouraged it') and she drops me off at bookstores during the weekends where I would spend hours free reading. Because of the freedom to explore, my grades actually flourished instead of declining as many would expect... something my mother also claims credit for.

    During my highschool years, I have a group of close friends - we spend a lot of time together but I have NEVER opened up to any of them about my situation at home... my best friends don't even know I don't have a dad because most of the time I just lie and say he's busy and away for work. I don't know why but I have never opened up to anyone before because I guess I don't think anyone would understand. I mean, what do you have to worry about when your parents give you freedom, you have a seemingly good social life and academic and career-wise, you're doing swell?

    I used to think that my mother is jealous of my friends because every time I tell her we do XYZ together, she would go on and say how I treat my friends better than I treat her. She also has a habit of putting my friends down (in front of me, not them) by saying how her parenting skills made me a better person compared to my friends (note: it's not like my friends are gangbangers, they are students with top-grades like me and have made it to top schools around the world). The dangerous thing is that sometimes I buy that story myself but I've slowly learned to disregard that. However, I've come to a theory that she does that because she's in denial that she wasn't there for me when I needed her to be.

    "I gave you freedom and you question me?"

    I hate it when my mother and my friends are in the same room and I try to prevent as much conversation between them as possible. I don't even know why I do that. My mother thinks it's because she embarrasses me and cries to me about it, but I don't think so. I think it could be because I generally have a good time around my friends and a bad time around her that I seek to keep these two worlds apart? I don't know... I'm not a psychologist.

    Don't get me wrong, I don't think my mother is a bad mother. I just think that her circumstances shaped her to be that way. And with that it has shaped me to be the way I am. I think she is a strong and amazing woman that she is able to make the most out of her circumstances. I am proud of her achievements and success but I am sad that the emotional parts of our lives didn't go as well.

    She has the tendency to bring up the past and lament on how much she has sacrificed for me and the only reason she didn't commit suicide was because she had to take care of me. During the times when our relationship was sour she would then question whether her sacrifices were in vain because she doesn't know how to make me 'love her back'. I explained to her that maybe my upbringing was the cause, which led her to say that, "Well, the world is so unfair to me, I should just move to a remote area and live by myself because obviously I have no one left that cares about me." I said guilt-tripping me wasn't the way to go and that we should have a conversation and talk it all out but she would then say there is 'nothing to talk about'. She doesn't ever want to talk about it... except when it involves how much she has sacrificed for me. If I had a nickel every time I heard that story I'd be rich.

    After she scaled down her business because she was thinking of retiring, her temperament got better and so did our relationship. However, it was far from normal... I don't know what happened but we became best friends. I am so close to her that I hardly have any friends I want to talk to nowadays except her. This is weird because how can one form such a close bond with someone after all the negative experience? I didn't even notice this until very recently. Is it my brain's way of 'making up for lost time'? Again, I don't know... I'm not a psychologist. Anyway, I think this is an unhealthy relationship. I want to leave and start life on my own and have even fantasized about severing all ties with my old life and start anew. But I cannot bring my heart to, and I have the moral obligation to take care of the person who, even though harps on it all the time, did indeed care for me although not emotionally, but physically, educationally, etc.. But I suppose it turned out that the emotional part was the most vital. What a sick joke to play, eh, universe?

    So anyway, you must be thinking, "Hey, this is a suicide forum, where does the suicide part come in?" So here goes.

    For many years I have been crying myself to sleep at home. I have written notes asking beings of higher power that if they exist to take my life. I have written stories about suicide so that I could keep it a fantasy and not actually act out on it. I feel like my life is just an emotional rollercoaster involving my mother and can never stop. I can't solve my problems at home because she doesn't want to talk, I am worried about her mental health if I leave her and she wouldn't take my advice to go out and meet other people (she has zero social life because of all the years of hard work) so it seems like I am the only person she has left. I am stuck and I don't know what to do.

    Suicide has been on my mind most of my waking hours recently. But, I think this is different from before. This is not the usual sad/depression, frustration/depression or anger/depression. I actually feel I have lived enough and maybe it's time for me to go. I have nothing I especially look forward to; I don't want to get married or have kids, travel used to excite me but not anymore, and I don't have any friends that understand me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lonely, my friends have asked me out many times but I have declined them. I actually enjoy being alone.

    I have lost interest in all things I used to love and I've become very pessimistic about life and the world. As I see terrible things unfold in the world it makes me even more pessimistic because it makes me feel like the world I'm living in is in chaos. People saying don't kill yourself, you matter to a lot of people even if you don't know it, etc., just makes me think well if I die it wouldn't matter if I mattered anyway. I wouldn't even know or have the potential to regret my decision because I would just not exist (I'm not religious nor believe in spirits, etc.). I'm just ONE human being out of the 7 billion out there, and we're creating humans at a rate of 360,000 per day. It would be like stepping on an ant. Yes, the other ants might be slightly sad and carry the dead ant's body back to their nest but life goes on with or without it.

    Anyway, I have <mod edit - methods> and have written a suicide note. Don't worry, it's like a process to see what I'll be leaving behind and it helps me think. Kind of like the current hype of writing your own obituary, you know? Also, the noose in my bag comforts me and lets me know that if life becomes unbearable there's always an option to quit.

    So yeah, just wanted to put this out there and see how things go. I know my problems seem minor compared to what everyone else is having and I feel bad even posting it here, but I don't know where else to bring this. Sorry and thanks for reading.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 26, 2014
  2. Liquid Jello

    Liquid Jello Well-Known Member


    no need to apologize, hon. this can be a good place to come to when ur feeling down, troubled, and/or suicidal, etc. so sorry to hear that things are rough with your mom. from some of the things you mentioned, she certainly sounds pretty manipulative at times, if not a whole lot of the time. again, sorry to heart all that.

    I'm really glad tho, to hear that you have some good friends. that's awesome. and also that you found something positive, like reading, in order to help cope with your situation. that can be hard to do. so that's really quite impressive. honest. and then, cool to here you're doing well in school, that's great.

    I think another option in addition to coming here, would be to perhaps talk to a counselor, especially if you start to get super down. they can sometimes be very helpful, and can offer some hope in what can seem like a hopeless situation.

    take care.