Don't understand why I'm still here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ophelia1600, Feb 4, 2012.

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  1. Ophelia1600

    Ophelia1600 Active Member

    I've been obsessed with suicide and death since I was 8 years old. I've made several attempts. 16 years ago I finally had enough and had a firm and foolproof plan. But then my friend bought me a cat. I fell in love. So for all these years I've been obsessed with my cat. In the back of my mind I always thought I would kill myself as soon as she passed. She died 5/31/11, so why the heck am I still here?

    I have nothing to live for. I'm 40. I'm single. I'm fat. I'm unemployed. I'm broke. I live with my cousin. Why can't I just end it?

    Last week I went to a shooting range. I thought if I'm going to shoot myself I should know how to fire a gun. The whole time I was shooting I kept thinking how easy it would be to turn the gun on myself, but too many people were there. I wanted to kill myself on my birthday, but I knew my parents were throwing me a surprise party. Now I am planning to kill myself on May 31st. The day my kitty died.


    I have these discussions with myself like I'm trying to decide what college to go to. I think "should I look for work and maybe not kill myself or should I just get prepared for the big day?" Everyone wants me to get a new cat. I don't want to because I still might kill myself. I need to commit to life or commit to death. My problem is that I don't have the gumption to do either. I'm a pathetic wuss.

    As Hamlet said " To be or not to be. That is the question." I wish I could decide.
     
  2. Ajean

    Ajean Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. Some times its just sitting in the car thinking about how i'd love for someone to loose control of their car and crash into me.

    I also know what it's like for a dear pet to die. I had my Inky for 17 years. I really didn't know what to do without her, I felt like I had lost my best friend in the whole world and I would never have another. But something amazing happened, and a lost dog ran up to me four minutes into this new year. No one has called to claim her and they were just going to put her down, so she's staying here with me. She's really a wonderful and loving dog. I still really miss my cat but having another soul around really helps.

    In my honest opinion, I think you should go to a local shelter and just meet some of the cats there. See if maybe, just maybe, you can connect to another.

    I know it hurts, and that everything looks bleak and times are hard, but please don't give up just yet.
     
  3. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i wish i could help you. i often wonder why i am here.
     
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