I've been obsessed with suicide and death since I was 8 years old. I've made several attempts. 16 years ago I finally had enough and had a firm and foolproof plan. But then my friend bought me a cat. I fell in love. So for all these years I've been obsessed with my cat. In the back of my mind I always thought I would kill myself as soon as she passed. She died 5/31/11, so why the heck am I still here? I have nothing to live for. I'm 40. I'm single. I'm fat. I'm unemployed. I'm broke. I live with my cousin. Why can't I just end it? Last week I went to a shooting range. I thought if I'm going to shoot myself I should know how to fire a gun. The whole time I was shooting I kept thinking how easy it would be to turn the gun on myself, but too many people were there. I wanted to kill myself on my birthday, but I knew my parents were throwing me a surprise party. Now I am planning to kill myself on May 31st. The day my kitty died. I have these discussions with myself like I'm trying to decide what college to go to. I think "should I look for work and maybe not kill myself or should I just get prepared for the big day?" Everyone wants me to get a new cat. I don't want to because I still might kill myself. I need to commit to life or commit to death. My problem is that I don't have the gumption to do either. I'm a pathetic wuss. As Hamlet said " To be or not to be. That is the question." I wish I could decide.