Don't wanna fight or fantasize anymore, just wanna rest

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by lilodian4ever, Oct 19, 2012.

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  1. lilodian4ever

    lilodian4ever Account Closed


    I don't expect or deserve your sympathy. I just felt like expressing myself, and that's why I'm here writing this.

    I was bullied horribly, as a boy, for being skinny, and that destroyed my self-confidence. When I moved to the US from my native country, my own family treated me like a servant. College was a torture because of the people I was around. 2 years ago, after a devastating breakup, I discovered my one and only savior - fitness. I became a fitness freak, to the point where I felt like a million bucks, looked like a model (told by many people), and was certain that I wanted to switch careers from engineering to fitness training. During those brief years, I enjoyed looking good, feeling good (although it was really only a high, not true happiness), getting female attention and even the occasional girlfriend. All that lasted, till I hurt myself lifting heavy weights, and found out I have a herniated disk. I went from being a 6 ft tall 180 lb model-like athlete to a 215 lb lump of turd.

    Today, I'm 29 years old, have no idea how to talk to a girl, have no real friends, and have suffered from (at least) BorderlinePD, Anxiety disorder, and Major Depression, for the last 12 years. I have chronic stress-related gastric problems, chronic allergies, chronic chest palpitations (anxiety). I can't enjoy something as beautiful as Mt McKinley in Alaska. I just feel empty and dead. I feel like I died a long time ago. I've had some very brief but stormy relationships, but probably only because of my good looks. I'm not able to keep friends very long, either, because "I'm too negative", and because I don't use Facebook.

    I'm constantly fighting everything and everyone around me - The people at work are workaholics and I just don't measure up to their standards. The health insurance company won't pay a penny because they are still in denial about my injury, 2 years after the fact. Getting in my car and on the road is a challenge because people don't know how to drive. The kids next door keep conveniently forgetting to close their doors when they practice their music. When I go camping by this beautiful lake, which is probably the only thing I enjoy now, the people nearby blare their hip hop music and so I have to pack up and come back home.

    I fantasize about having a companion, going on long road trips with her, seeing the world with her, debating to no end with a glass of wine in hand, and staying warm and dry with her inside, listening to the sound of the rain outside. I think about having my own kids and teaching them stuff and taking them camping with me, and having them look up to me and call me "Dad". I fantasize holding them like I'll never let go, and telling them how much I love them and how much they mean to me. But, how can I have any kids, if I can't even have a female friend ?

    I've tried therapists, LCSWs, psychiatrists, Prozac, Zoloft, Lexapro, Wellbutrin... all that stuff does is give me disturbing nightmares.

    I don't wanna fight anymore, and I don't wanna fantasize anymore. I just wanna rest. Don't want my mind to think anymore or my heart to beat anymore. Just want to have some peace and quiet.

    Thanks for listening
  2. Dissolving

    Dissolving New Member

    I know you're not looking foe sympathy... but I'm so sorry. If you ever need anyone to listen... I'll be here. Don't let go ~
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi lilo....... pleased to meet you and am sorry to hear of your struggles, very understandable that you want things to be different. If there was a lifeline you could grasp that would right most of what has gone wrong, would you take it? Yes, I'm sure you would - and be willing to work with it until you started to feel better and your hope has returned..... The fitness thing sounds like it could be something that would help things come right - although not back as it was before you got hurt - something more gentle with a change of diet to lose the extra and get you feeling better about yourself?

    The mental attitude about fighting.....must be exhausting. There are also ways we can change our thinking, although I know when we set out to do this, it seems impossible that things could get better - but they can lilo - I didn't believe it either, and there are still issues I find difficult to have hope for - but there are new ways of thinking/eating/relating that we can learn and they are the key to insights and knowledge we haven't had previously. Have a squizz at my "Would you like to be re-made?" thread, it explains more - and is a work in progress. Do hope you enjoy finding your way around SF, it's such a great place to gain support and friendship. :)
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