Don't want it to end like this

[jab1023]

Due to events described in my last thread https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/out-of-control-rock-bottom.143044/#post-1627628, I don't know if I can make it through.

I am so ashamed and horrified something bad will happen I can't function. The woman and I were on a messaging app and I deleted it hoping she would get the message. I re-installed it yesterday (OCD-"checking") and she had casually messaged me on this past Wednesday. I tried hard to hint I may not be back on, but in the end she said "ttyl."

I called the suicide hotline today and the guy told me maybe I should try to let her know I can't carry on any further contact. I'm so horrified because she's married/knows where I live. I don't know how she will take it if I drop contact.

The guilt and shame won't stop eating me. I'm afraid I'm totally broken and beyond repair.
If you read this and can offer anything, please do.

I'm in desperate need.

 

[mark1976]

I have been where you are. Heat of the moment and a bad choice on my part left me in major panic and shame that I could not shake. I know EXACTLY how you feel.

Don't let shame eat away at you, if shame eats away at you, then what, there's no point in that.

Advice from someone who know's how you feel. Just get through today, then think about tomorrow when it comes and not before. I know you'll feel empty and beyond repair but you can do it man, you can mate.

 

[mark1976]

Also wanted to add, she lives near by and knows where you live. If you don't want contact, then do it and don't let your worry about other people's feelings superseed you looking after yourself.

 

[Sunspots]

Hi Jan

You've done nothing to be ashamed about. She's the married one, not you. What can she do to hurt you?

I agree with the guy from the hotline. Tell her you're sorry but you're not interested in seeing her again.

I'm not familiar with Craigslist but can you block her so she cannot contact you? To be honest, if she's a swinger she'll most likely move on pretty quickly.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. You made a mistake, you're human. But you'll be OK. Keep talking to us here, we've got you...

 

[jab1023]

Hi, I told her tonight. I don't think she's happy we can't be friends on the messaging app.

Unfortunately she is kind of of playing around. One minute she says good luck, then she says "It hurt you to have sex with me?"

I'm so terrified they can show up here and hurt me.m or tell me she's pregnant. What if my family is here if it happens? I would rather not be here for that.

She now hasn't responded in like twenty minutes. She could be telling her husband bow for all I know.

I feel so sick.

 

[jab1023]

I hopefully ended it last night. It was a struggle. I deleted my chat account. I hope to God that's the end of it. I'm scared that it isn't. I had a ton of morbid thoughts about myself last night.

The thought that my family or friends could find out just kills me.

 

[mark1976]

You've been brave, and you know it's right, give it a week, then a month. I probably should not be giving you such direct advice, but having been there I could not help but give my opinion. Hope it helps, stay strong, you;ve done the hard part, now it's just time, then you can feel this weight begin to lift.

 

[jab1023]

You've been brave, and you know it's right, give it a week, then a month. I probably should not be giving you such direct advice, but having been there I could not help but give my opinion. Hope it helps, stay strong, you;ve done the hard part, now it's just time, then you can feel this weight begin to lift.

Yeah I let my therapist know everything in an email. I met with her Friday night and will again this Saturday. I felt some relief after meeting Friday, but had a tough day again yesterday. Just guilt and worry, over and over and over again.

 

[mark1976]

I know there is no easy escape from it, well there is, it's just a bloody slow ride, (will seem stationary, but it's not), you will, and are moving clear of this - that is certain. The worst person that can play mind games with you is yourself, don't allow it, don't stand for it, fight those feelings; you'll win and be wiser for it.

 

[jab1023]

I know there is no easy escape from it, well there is, it's just a bloody slow ride, (will seem stationary, but it's not), you will, and are moving clear of this - that is certain. The worst person that can play mind games with you is yourself, don't allow it, don't stand for it, fight those feelings; you'll win and be wiser for it.

Thanks Mark.

I had a bad Sunday as I mentioned. I had a pretty decent week, but I'm starting to get down again today. The thoughts are creeping back in.

I saw the doctor for my Wellbutrin checkup after being on it six weeks. I told him I thought it was ok, but mentioned two side effects:

Hands shaking
Heart beating quickly for a bit every now and then.

Decided to stay on it and see if they subside. I don't want to get on Zoloft again due to the lack of libido.

Seeing the therapist again tomorrow.

 

[jab1023]

Had a panic attack yesterday. Rare for me. Left work and actually got checked it at the hospital. All blood tests and my chest X-ray came back normal.

Saw my counselor today and we discussed things to work more on but didn’t do any therapy really. Overall a good meeting and helped talking about everything.