Dont want to be a worthless junkie anymore..

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by autumn93, Aug 21, 2013.

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  1. autumn93

    autumn93 Member

    Well, here it goes. This is my first post other thsn in "welcome" so if I say something wrong please tell me..
    My depression started 4 years ago, and no matter how hard I try I cant figure out what caused it. Struggling through this and becoming desperate for my life to end, about a year ago I started doing heroin. Wasnt so bad at first, I thought I had things under control, until I stopped going to school, lost my job and my apartment and was forced to move back home to WI. I thought it wouldnt be so bad, Ill get help from my family. Wrong. Got home, found out my parents were divorced and my mom had moved 3 hours north and was forced to live just with my dad, who happens to be the only one in my family i have a terrible relationship with. I couldnt go to any of them because they all had their own problems. So now Im homeless, staying at friends houses, and still very much struggling with my addiction. Ive quit several times, but how many times do you relapse before youre just a junkie again? For me that ship sailed on my last one, and I gave up.

    But I dont want to do it anymore. I dont want to be a useless junkie. Its not like im not doing anything but dope; i go to school and work full time. But i cant go any time at all alone with myself without those life questioning/self hating thoughts running through, and I need it to cope.

    And there lies the main problem. I have no clue how to cope without it. Im good at writing, but that just enhances those shitty emotions. Then comes the dope. I hate it. I hate relying on it. I hate that its progressed to the point of shooting it, something I always said Id never do. I hate myself so much for that. How do I cope? Is there anyway to lessen the pain of reality without numbing myself to it completely?

    I cant afford therapy or rehab, though Ive considered forever living in debt for the two. But I know that will drive me off the edge to live like that.

    Wow. Thank you. Even if you guys cant help me find new ways to cope, this is the first time Im telling anyone about this. And im starting to tear up, because Im grateful a place exists for people like me to get it out and know someone somewhere is listening. Thank you.
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I have an idea that you might like.

    Consider the options that therapy/rehab can offer you - and how much you'd spend on the substances. Worthwhile to know how much of your money goes on the substance of choice - and where it can possibly help you to not spend.

    On top of that - by using the substance - you've not really dealt with the issues you had prior to the addiction. They are still there, and now you have the addiction as well.

    I wouldn't say that you are useless - you've just been a bit unlucky. You want to get out of that junkie/relapsing phase - you have to consider alternative options. Maybe that could help you repair some of the relationships with your family. But even allowing them in can give you a bit more support - everyone has problems - and it's better to work together making a plan to work through them than them not knowing and struggling alone.

    This is a big step and I'm glad you've found somewhere that peers can offer support. :)
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, you've taken a big step just by joining us here. :arms:

    I feel for you. I can only imagine how hard it is to be in your shoes.

    Are there any community sponsored rehab centers near you? Somewhere that you don't have to pay a fortune to get into? Even if you had to pay and go into debt, maybe debt is less stressful than always needing to figure out how to get the next fix. If you were in debt, you would be handling it from a sober perspective, which is better than from a "need a fix" perspective. When people are not using, they can plan and organize life, make better decisions.

    It sounds like you'd really like to stop. Stopping the heroin could allow you better access to your real feelings so you can lay them to rest. Then you wouldn't "need" to use to shut down/cope.

    Many people succeed at kicking their habit. Even if you have to start over again, at least you now have lots of support from people here. I'm really glad you joined the site! :)
  4. bleedingrage

    bleedingrage Active Member

    I recommend you go on methadone. It'll give you your life back if that's what you need. I mainline too so I'm right there with you. just quit hitting the spoon. As hard as it may be. Save yourself before its too late.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, you need to get yourself on a methadone program. You could like the above poster said use the money you use on drugs to get help. That's a HARD drug. You will need help coming off it there is no doubt about that and support. I am glad you posted here and that it's the first time you have opened up. You seem like a lovely person. Welcome and keep opening up to u, let it all out, we will listen.

    Just want to add: You are not a useless junkie, you are someone who is hurting immensely inside and needs to get it out!! Hug to you :)
  6. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Firstly, I'm currently on Suboxone and so is my husband. He's also been on methadone before. Personally, I don't recommend that you go on either one. It's absolute hell trying to get off of them, and if you're not truly ready to stop using heroin then you'll probably just end up getting high anyway or selling them to get H. For some people, it does give them back their lives and they're able to stop using, but for others it just makes things a lot worse. Even though I'm on Subs, I still constantly crave and relapse every now and then, and I've tried countless times to get off of them and can't do it. Reason being, the withdrawal isn't as a bad as dope withdrawal, but it last a lot longer. If you go cold turkey off dope, you'll feel like you're in hell for about a week, but then it will go away. With Subs and methadone, you'd be lucky if you got through the withdrawal in a month. You say you have other obligations right now...that you're working, so I take it your addiction hasn't gotten absolutely out of control as of yet. Please either go to rehab or if you really can't afford to take the time off to do so, at least go to NA meetings. They can help you learn how to cope without wanting to use and hopefully you'll be able to do it without any kind of opiod substitutes. If you continue to go on a downward spiral though, you really should consider going to rehab. Even if you lose your job, it's a lot better than losing your life, not to mention the worse your addiction gets, the more likely it is that it will cause you to lose your job well as everything and everyone else in your life.
  7. Punkmom111

    Punkmom111 Member

    I've been called junkie so much for banging H. But we somehow have to take that shame people place upon us and how how we perceive ourselves an turn it around.

    I quit heroin - just sadly relapsed two nights ago. Just to not hurt. I never used for fun .... It was use to numb, cut or suicide. Guess I figured lesser of the evils.
    It was three years without it tho..,,,, and no subs and no methadone. Detox once - get er done.
    It's not easy.

    It was a good run of sobriety. Its not instant. Obviously. But it's not forever.
  8. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    Welldone for being so honest and putting your cards on the table! It takes great courage and strength to do so! And you should give yourself a pat on the back! For the hardest part of a marathon is starting it! And you have certainly made a start in aknowledging the blatant painful truth of your active addiction....One of the ways of counteracting the concequences of hard drug addiction, is to honest about it and share your truth and hear the truth of others...There are a number of immediate solutions available to you! There is one quite famous recovery site that does voice and video recovery meetings which i have attended myself and are very impressive ,given how active and helpful they are. the sites called intherooms... Also there are online resources that provide an extensive catalogue of Recovering addicts stories you tube is a place they can be found but sites like xa speakers specialize in enabling you to access mp3s of people like you who have found a solution and now live free of the utter horror you so eloquently desicribed...I could give you other online resources such as watching the russle brand addiction documentary...but ultimately you need to attend a 12 step meeting such as Narcotics anonymous in your area or not ASAP...Ps Happy new year and remember! You cant save your arse and your face at the same time...
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