Well, here it goes. This is my first post other thsn in "welcome" so if I say something wrong please tell me.. My depression started 4 years ago, and no matter how hard I try I cant figure out what caused it. Struggling through this and becoming desperate for my life to end, about a year ago I started doing heroin. Wasnt so bad at first, I thought I had things under control, until I stopped going to school, lost my job and my apartment and was forced to move back home to WI. I thought it wouldnt be so bad, Ill get help from my family. Wrong. Got home, found out my parents were divorced and my mom had moved 3 hours north and was forced to live just with my dad, who happens to be the only one in my family i have a terrible relationship with. I couldnt go to any of them because they all had their own problems. So now Im homeless, staying at friends houses, and still very much struggling with my addiction. Ive quit several times, but how many times do you relapse before youre just a junkie again? For me that ship sailed on my last one, and I gave up. But I dont want to do it anymore. I dont want to be a useless junkie. Its not like im not doing anything but dope; i go to school and work full time. But i cant go any time at all alone with myself without those life questioning/self hating thoughts running through, and I need it to cope. And there lies the main problem. I have no clue how to cope without it. Im good at writing, but that just enhances those shitty emotions. Then comes the dope. I hate it. I hate relying on it. I hate that its progressed to the point of shooting it, something I always said Id never do. I hate myself so much for that. How do I cope? Is there anyway to lessen the pain of reality without numbing myself to it completely? I cant afford therapy or rehab, though Ive considered forever living in debt for the two. But I know that will drive me off the edge to live like that. Wow. Thank you. Even if you guys cant help me find new ways to cope, this is the first time Im telling anyone about this. And im starting to tear up, because Im grateful a place exists for people like me to get it out and know someone somewhere is listening. Thank you.