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don't want to be alone but lack a voice :(

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41021

Banned Member
I want to participate and interact with life...it's part of being human, at least for me. I can even handle a fair amount of pain...but not this. Often i cannot even think. I've never been a fan of tv and i suspect watching the world go by would be much like television.

I'm really messed up.

I'm not even sure i belong here. I've spent the past several hours exploring xxxx(is that another error in judgement...i really didn't mean it if it is). Not uncommon.

I know you care hun. I care. I care about you and everyone else here.

I just cannot tolerate the intense pain. Can't do it.

wish i could get my thoughts out, my heart expressed

my head is so jumbled
 
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Ritsu

Well-Known Member
awww hon *hug I hope you will feel good enough maybe if you can just get outside and lay down or sit down out there for a bit with a drink you will feel a bit better you take care hon and don't forget that promise I want to hear you roar I want to feel the power you have even if it is your last one ok hon be strong even in the end.
 

41021

Banned Member
struggling with thoughts
questions
decisions

why does it come down to this
were we meant to have a choice, why isn't there some button

i know other people are going through something similar. I know how they struggle. Sometimes i wonder how a dialogue would go between us.

my head, my head is not in a good space. My thinking not so hot. My heart...just forget it.

gawd the freaking words...why won't they come out
the feelings locked up inside

i will give it an attempt
all my justifications are valid

i am paralyzed with fear of the pain returning full force
doesn't help to have lost so many, then my heart gets too actively involved

ugh
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
you have lost far too many hon and i know how they won't let you go and that breaks my heart

i wish i knew why we allow the dead to hold so much power over us when the living still surround us - i only have one that strong but can't shake it either

xxxxxxxxxx
 

41021

Banned Member
it''s not just that
it's the pain
it's no life
it's
i cannot explain it

I'm, I, just don't care any more
i don't need to be understood

perhaps it's not even comprehensible to some
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
it's all part kali

it all blurs together

sorry i haven't been able to find something you haven't tried to help you with the physical part

words are failing me again - makes me want to hit something
 

41021

Banned Member
think this is burning me out and exhausting me

i've about concluded i hate myself...never thought i'd feel that way

even with some relief from the pain today, i don't care anymore

it's temporary and i'm exhausted and weak

i don't care anymore

just don't care

too tired to fight it

head is spinning
 

Ritsu

Well-Known Member
Awww hon its ok its ok lay your weary head down we all love you here *hug I have kept my promise I have made your character in my story for you a proud lioness who see's the crew as her pride she is a mother figure who will do anything for her pride she is so strong just like you keep your promise please give us that last roar that sign you have left your mark here please.

AWOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

41021

Banned Member
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

i'm soooo tired

i did hear his voice although it was a message, and he heard mine :sad:
 
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Hey Kali, just read all 11 pages of your thread. I am so sorry about what is happening to you, it must be very difficult, seems like you have a lot on your plate, please don't hurt yourself. I can understand why you are so tired, it must be difficult to have to deal with all this. Could you contact your couseller/Therapist?
 

Ritsu

Well-Known Member
Kali babe it is your choice but you have to give us that roar first I promised I would never take your choice away from you just understand it you can rest when you like just give us all that roar first ok.
 

41021

Banned Member
fucking april huh

the 6th, yes just last week, i lost someone very special, their birthday this month too...no. no discussing it fucking EVER! Brutal

90-my grandfather... i find myself sitting as he did...contemplating with my "friend" wondering how long he sat there alone.
96- my father...his birthday this month as well

95-almost me at an arrogant idiot's hand


spring
trees are leafing
flowers everywhere
Robbie's sunflowers are beginning to sprout, they'll bloom around his anniversary date.

sorry just crap going through my head/eyes/heart
just...
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
not enough room for a real garden so sis-in-law uses containers on some trestles i set up in the back - haven't had anything to do with it since last fall

she found strawberries and scallions already growing even though she hadn't replanted

life finds a way
 
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