Yeah, sipping on coke atm. It helps settle the tummy a bit. Food. Sigh. No desire for food at all but, I am so weak. Still shake when attempting to stand. Love you too, fellow.
pain is pain
it fucking hurts
emotional pain/physical pain
doesn't' really matter what kind of pain it is.
It can stifle you
knock you down
slam you against the floor
leave you unable to move
who was it? Perhaps Frankl who likened pain to a cylinder of gas, opened in a room. No matter the pain, it fills completely the room. No matter the source, pain is pain. I think at times, for me, the physical and emotional pain can become blurred, when the physical drains me of all resources, strips me of all my tools and ability.
so a lot of hope and inspiration found buried in all the pain here at the site, as you sieve through the disasters through the wreckage of pain and g-d bless, even sifting through a bit of carnage; those we've lost who battled long and hard. (gosh, and what do we take away from that?). Kind of lift my head from the pavement, looking to see who else managed to survive.
you can identify those of us who have lost someone as they are the ones with sections of their soul ripped from them, pieces hanging through our blood tinged blouses/shirts, where chunks of our souls have been so rudely and crudely ripped from us, the scissor sharp hands of this massive universe just sucker punched the hell out of us ripping our souls to shreds as it tore chunks of our hearts and souls away, we still bleed, we still can be found, stooping as we walk along, attempting to gather the torn pieces to fill those wounds and look for balm to fill the holes as we attempt to heal, wondering if healing ever comes, kind of knowing and disregarding the facts; one never heals from this. What kind of BS is that? one never gets better. The best we can hope for is find a way to cope. That is the bottom line for us. Finding a way to cope with the pain. Whoever applied the word healing to this, had it totally wrong.
For me, glints of hope found here and there; IV is still holding up, Jackie has not quit and given up, Andi is still breathing, John is holding tight though weary, Mo, Pete, FM, FDM, WE, Carla, Esther, JF, IQ, FF,W, lynn, Violet, T, R, P, all the kiddos, all the D's, and dozens of others i actually keep an eye on from afar, are still here holding on, lol likely they don't even know big sister is watching...yeah, i actually care but likely don't say it often enough
I'm not an idiot. I know hope. Personally acquainted. I have been in the business of hope for over 25 years so I know hope only lasts so long before something must give, a breaking point is reached...and something happens; may be positive, negative, neutral...but something must give at some point. Hope is this little way-stop. Temporary shelter. It gives folks time to figure things out, come up with a plan. It's a momentary resting place. One cannot stay there indefinitely. There comes a point of doing/engaging/taking it on...whatever doing that may be; changing the world or changing Your world.
This past bout, hope/focus got me by, but i am staring it in the face again...I'm about to be slam dunked into the pavement again. I've been given a two, perhaps three day reprieve. Trouble with that, is the longer i am down, the longer it takes to get back on my feet, to get my strength up, to be capable of carrying this load of mine (which i would gladly carry). There is likely a breaking point for that as well. While i can walk is the only time i am capable of putting an end to further pain. Used to be I looked forward to doing something, to the living part, but now my mind wanders; is it time for me to call it quits? Is it time to quit before i get slammed again? Wouldn't you run from that? Isn't that normal human reaction? I mean, sure we can all stand up to some pain, but not time and time and time and time again. There is a breaking point.