dont want to be here anymore "my life that is"

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by drkangl, Feb 26, 2010.

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  1. drkangl

    drkangl Active Member

    first time here. i really cant do this any longer. i have always been an antisocial depressed person ive just been able to hide it from my kids or so i think. i have 3 girls ages 6, 8 and 12. a yr ago my hubby of 10 yrs decided he no longer wanted a family, i lost our apt cause i cant get or hold a job due to being so addicted to ultram due to chronic pain for 7 yrs now that i have to take up to 25 a day now not to get sick. followed by on average 14 tylenol pm to sleep at night. i know it will kill me. I have wanted help for the last three yrs but have no insurence. ive been living at my moms for 3 months now. nothing i do is good enough, she tells me what i can and cant do and have to do w my own kids. last night my stepdad took me aside and told me he wanted me out but the girls had to stay cause i am such a loser and a drain on everyone and a drug addicted "pills nothing else" mooch. and that cant i see that the girls would be better off without me as a mom. i have cut for as long as i know ive had 2 surgeries due to severed tendons my kids think all due to car accident. i slit my wrists 13 yrs ago i have od 1. i know im a wonderful mom and i love them more than life and think they would be better wout me. it would traumatize but be better in the end. i finished the journals i kept 4 them so they will know all. im readt 2 b done last night i cut 4 the 1st time in a yr. had to go get stitches. im going to end it i know this but ill sleep on it tonite this is my last attempt at help.
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i will be praying for you
  3. xXxBrOKenWiNgSxXx

    xXxBrOKenWiNgSxXx Well-Known Member

    *hugs* hun i'll be praying for you hunnie!!
    we all wanna help!!!
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    What I can tell you is that children need their mum. Losing a parent to suicide, even a parent you were estranged from, or who was severely abusive, can be incredibly damaging to a person, let alone losing a mum who loves her kids as much as you do. I know of a couple of poeple whop have lost parents like that (one who was severely abused by him) and it has hurt them so much and tarnished their life so much. They believe they were not worth fighting for.

    It sounds right now like things are very overwhelming for you, and you are severely lacking in support to help you through this. Do you have any support outside your family? I'm guessing not from your post. If Insurance is an issue, have you looked into support groups? There will be some around, and there will also be different organisations that may be able to help you.

    I really hear your pain and desperation, and I hear the fact that you feel trapped and like there is no way out. Right now you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, so let me hand you a torch to help you see your way through this horrific darkness.

    You're not alone, I hope SF can help you through this.

    Please keep talking to us.

  5. drkangl

    drkangl Active Member

    thank you so much everyone that is listening. i think it is really amazing to find this forum at the time in my life i did. today sucks to allready and its only 9:00 am. i was going to an appt earlier and backed out and had no brakes at all. i ran my van into the front of my mothers house. wasnt hurt. but it could have happened on the road while driving. it made me think a little. know what I mean?
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Eep, that sounds scary. What happened to the brakes?

    I'm sorry that today has started badly. Could you do anything nice for yourself to maybe try and add a positive into your day?
  7. drkangl

    drkangl Active Member

    brakes were getting bad to begin with but for some reason i have none at all now. im just so extremely thankful that i had let my mom take my girls to school today, it could have been sooo much worse. as soon as they get home i think im gonna grab em and tell them how very much i love them. and i did do something for myself today. when i realized i could go nowhere today i went in and took a long bubble bath.
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Good for you doing something for yourself! It's very clear how much you love your children, I'm sure they know it too :)

    do you think maybe each day you could try and add in something positive for yourself? It can sometimes help ease the wretchedness we feel.
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    A sign maybe?.....I'm glad you weren't hurt and your girls were safe....
    the bubblebath was a great idea....each day try to do something really nice for makes life much more do-able.....
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